Through the Darkness

Late Nights

2012-02-16T23:28:00.001-08:00

This. Is my night. Who knows when I'll get to go to sleep, but I have my cup of coffee to accompany me with my long list of assignments I have fallen behind on, my computer, and my textbook. Oooookay, I'm ready!

Two weeks ago I went to my fourth week of class for Adobe Flash. I was assigned several projects for homework, but unfortunately, when we went that very same day to see my grandparents (my grandpa had been battling cancer and we knew he only had a little bit of time left) we found he had taken a turn for the worst and it was only a matter of days until he went home to be with the Lord. Those were some of the hardest days of my life . . . watching my grandfather dying. He was incoherent most of the time, aside from a short time we had with him that first night. The days and nights were filled with the sound of moans and groans coming from my grandpa. The whole family struggled to fight away the tears as we sat by his bedside completely helpless. Two days later, February 5th, he died. My mind could not stay focused no matter how hard I tried, and my school stuff suffered from this greatly. I did not do the homework for that week . . . I was too overcome with grief. Then I missed a class to be able to be with my family the day before his funeral service to prepare. That only added on to the one week of homework I already had . . . now I also had class work to do on my own in order to keep up with the class and the homework assigned for that week. I am now doing my best to catch up. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I know it is not impossible. My class is in the morning, lets see how much I can get done before then.

Entering the Gates of Heaven

2012-02-11T16:49:00.001-08:00

Gary Zimmerman
January 12, 1948 - February 5, 2012

Today was the funeral service for my grandpa who went home to be with the Lord this past Sunday afternoon. It was a great and memorable service. I had the opportunity to sing a song and read a poem I wrote the day after my grandpa passed away. Here is the poem . . .

Entering the Gates of Heaven

The day had rapidly approached
When the Lord was to call him home.
His life on earth was finished
And it was time to let him go.
Sharing hugs and kisses --
We said our tearful goodbyes.
“I love you. I love you forever.” Is what he spoke into my ear.
Words that mean the world to me,
And I will hold in my heart forever.
Tears flowed down each face
As we sat there by his side . . .
Waiting for the moment --
The instant he would breathe his final breath.
The time was coming fast,
And I often wonder if he could start to hear the angels sing.
God was preparing a place for him --
A place inside of heaven’s gates.
I’m sure he’d share in tears of joy
As he’d meet his loved ones who had gone on before.
His journey on earth was over,
But the best had yet to come.
His turn to meet Jesus was here,
And God welcomed him with arms open wide.
Then he led him through the pearly gates,
And walked with him through the streets of gold.
I can only imagine the smile on his face
When he ran into the arms of God.
“Welcome home, my child. Well done.”
This I’m sure God said to him.
He left behind a great example
For us all to see and follow.
On earth his faith had been so strong,
And he loved the Lord with all his heart.
He once had told me to live my life
So that others can see God’s love.
He did his best to live for Christ,
And encouraged others to trust in God.
Although we are saddened by our loss,
We may rejoice because we know
One glorious day we will see him again,
And be with him in heaven.
Now he watches from up above,
And in our hearts we can feel his love.
I will never forget what a great man he was.
I will love you forever . . .
My grandpa.

Now at Peace, Walking the Streets of Gold

2012-02-05T16:25:00.000-08:00

This afternoon we received the call that I was so afraid of.

The call that would bring a rush of mixed emotions.

First, extreme sadness . . .

Then maybe a little bit of relief and joy on another's behalf.

God had called my grandpa home. His life on this earth was finished and God was ready to welcome him into the gates of heaven with his arms open wide.

I could just imagine that bright smile on my grandpa's face and that sparkle in his eye as he ran into the arms of God. What a glorious day it must be for him. A day that had so far only been dreamed of -- the day to finally see Jesus face to face.

He often spoke of such a day when there would be no more pain and no more suffering. His faith in God was strong and contagious. He left a great example behind for all of us -- something we all should pay attention to and strive to achieve. Though he was not perfect he did his best to do what he knew to be right in the sight of God.

It was so hard when I walked into his room and saw his lifeless body laying there on the bed. Completely emotionless and still.

I cried hysterically as I stood there.

Everyone told me to make sure I had enough time there with him before they came and took him away. I stood by his bedside with my hand on his arm, but it wasn't enough . . . I knew he was no longer in this body. With my hand on his arm, everything within me wished I could hug him and tell him I love him one last time and to have him hug me back. I am so thankful I had an opportunity Friday night while he was coherent for a few minutes to tell him I love him. I bent over him while he was in his bed and gave him a hug. I didn't want to let go. I heard him say to me "I love you. I love you forever." His last spoken words to me. Tears flowed down my face and I struggled to get out my reply. I will hold onto that moment forever.

Although I am overcome with grief, I rejoice. I rejoice in the fact that he is now and forever at peace and that he gets to walk the streets of gold at Jesus' side.

My Grandpa

2012-01-31T13:49:00.000-08:00

My Grandpa has set such a great example of what it is to trust God fully and praise Him even when your life is coming close to an end (literally). He knows where he will be going when the Lord has deemed his life on earth finished. We will all miss him so terribly, but we know that when the Lord calls him home he will no longer be in pain and will walk with the Lord for all eternity. What a glorious thought to know you will soon see Jesus . . . to finally reach your destination and forever rejoice.
My family and I have been visiting my grandpa a lot lately . . . doing our best to get as much time with him before the Lord takes him from us. We are so blessed to have him in our lives and I thank God for every day that he continues to be with us.
His faith and strength is such an inspiration to me. Seeing his smiling face brings such joy to my heart. Whenever I see him I watch him closely -- carefully etching his face in my mind so that I will never forget his smile or that gentleness in his eyes.
Yesterday I got to see him again. He has been in a lot of pain lately and rarely ever gets hungry, but it was so great to see his spirits up yesterday and so nice to see that his pain was bearable for a while. He even ate with us . . . very little, but at least it was something. I couldn't help but smile when I'd see his sense of humor shine through and he'd get that playful smile across his face.
Today I was listening to this one song on the internet entitled "I will Rise" by Chris Tomlin. Whenever I hear that song these days it makes me think of my grandpa. These are the Lyrics . . .

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that drawing near when the Lord will call him home and he will rise and bow before the Lord. When it speaks of the peace that he's come to know though his heart and flesh may fail reminds me of my grandpas peace and strength . . . he says all is well and praises God.

"And I will rise when He calls my name. No more sorrow, no more pain. I will rise on eagles' wings. Before my God fall on my knees And rise, I will rise ."

I just love this song!

Continuing On

2012-01-21T19:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning I had my job interview, which went well enough; however, I did not get the job. Apparently, even though my application was for two days a week (Wednesday and Saturday), I need to be available all the days that this position gets worked by even the other employees just in case one of them is on vacation. My Friday class conflicts with the job.

I got quite discouraged, but recovered quickly.

Yesterday was my second class meeting working with Flash. I learned a few new things, but I was a little frustrated during class because I was behind the entire time. I had to look through my textbook and work on my own most the time.

However, I came up with an idea in my head while I was learning all those new tricks and wondered if I could make it work somehow. I tried it out when I got home. After working on it for literally the rest of the day, I created almost exactly what I had imagined. It was so AWESOME!

I was so excited that I was actually able to create something out of my head . . . and did it completely on my own!!!

Here is what I reached by the end of the night (3am to be exact).

Salvation

2011-11-13T22:04:00.000-08:00

At the young age of nine I had heard for the first time what Christ had done for all mankind and what salvation was, and in that moment I had decided I wanted to pray to receive Christ as my Saviour. I had changes in my heart and in my life, but somehow, more recently, I still struggled with doubts that I had truly understood at such a young age. I doubted because I didn't have a brokenness over the fact that I was a sinner and was in need of a Saviour. I heard what my brother wanted to do, asked what it was and said I wanted to do it too. Was I just "following the crowd"? Or did I truly understand what it meant to love God and to follow him . . . allowing him to take complete control over my heart and life.

A few years ago I had heard a preacher speaking about hell and eternal suffering and anguish . . . an eternity void of God. That night I tossed and turned all throughout the night. I was scared. More scared than I ever thought I could be, especially considering I was supposed to be a child of God. What reason had I to fear such things? I so badly wanted to talk to someone about it, but I just put it off.

On October 30, 2011 I was sitting in the Sunday evening service listening to pastor preach about being sons of God. I sat there thinking about all the doubts I had . . . how I doubted whether or not I was a child of God. Tears were beginning to fill my eyes as I sat there in torment. During invitation we sang "What Will You Do With Jesus".

"Jesus is standing in Pilate's hall,
Friendless, forsaken, betrayed by all:
Hearken! what meaneth the sudden call!
'What will you do with Jesus?'

What will you do with Jesus?
Neutral you cannot be;
Someday your heart will be asking,
'What will He do with me?'

Jesus is standing on trial still,
You can be false to Him if you will,
You can faithful thro' good or ill:
What will you do with Jesus?

What will you do with Jesus?

Neutral you cannot be;
Someday your heart will be asking,
'What will He do with me?'

Will you evade him as Pilate tried?
Or will you choose him, what e'er betide?
Vainly you struggle from him to hide:
What will you do with Jesus?

What will you do with Jesus?

Neutral you cannot be;
Someday your heart will be asking,
'What will He do with me?'

Will you like Peter, your Lord deny?
Or will you scorn from His foes to fly,
Daring for Jesus to live or die?
What will you do with Jesus?

What will you do with Jesus?

Neutral you cannot be;
Someday your heart will be asking,
'What will He do with me?'"

I was singing this hymn that I have grown up singing, realizing that I had NEVER listened to the words. Tears started falling down my face as I sung "Neutral you cannot be, Someday your heart will be asking, what will He do with me". What would he do with me? Would he say depart from me, I never knew you when we meet face to face? Or would he welcome me with open arms.

I had an urgency to talk to pastor about what I was feeling. To tell him of my doubts and to ask the questions that had tormented my mind for the past few years. How do you know if you are truly saved? Anyone can "walk the walk" or "talk the talk", but how do you KNOW that it is real? How do you know you truly had gotten saved . . . especially with the fact that the decision to accept Christ as Saviour was so long ago and I was so young . . . I can hardly remember the experience.

That night I sat with pastor in his office and discussed this issue. Neither of us know for sure whether I was truly saved or not, but that night we knelt together and he lead me in prayer to receive Christ as my Saviour. I may never know for sure if I was saved at that young age of nine, but now I know FOR SURE and I can sing the last verse to the beautiful hymn without any doubt or hesitation!

"'Jesus, I give Thee my heart today!
Jesus, I'll follow Thee all the way,
Gladly obeying Thee!' Will you say:
'This will I do with Jesus!'"

Reality

2011-11-09T14:42:00.000-08:00

Reality hit me today. The truth was said and it struck me so hard that tears wanted to fall.

I held it in, but I took what was said and am trying to find a solution.

I went to talk to the college counselor today and somewhere in the midst of our conversation she said to me "you know what your problem has always been? You never want to put in the time."

It really opened my eyes to hear someone who hardly knows me tell me something like that. If she can see it, so can everyone else around me. I don't want to be seen like that.

For years I have been searching for the path I am supposed to follow. The direction that screams out to me telling me I'm where I'm supposed to be. I haven't found that yet. I get discouraged and overwhelmed and I give up.

I used to never give up.

I'd try and try and try until I would finally achieve my goal. I knew I struggled with learning, but I used to fight so that I could prove to myself and everyone around me that I am still worth something.

Somewhere down the road I lost that. I lost the ambition for anything and everything. I give up at the first sight of a struggle.

I am done.

I want to know I can start something and really finish it . . . not just say it, but really do it!

I was talking about this very thing with a very good friend of mine. He said something that I really liked. He told me "just remember success is not measured by the size of your goal but it is measured by whether you completed it".

I am in the process of setting up an education plan. Lately, I have only been doing one or two classes at a time using the excuse that I get too overwhelmed. It is overwhelming, but if other people can do it, why can't I?I did it my first semester. What happened?

Right now I am trying to decide whether I want to go for an associates degree or just for a certificate. I think I'm leaning toward going for an associates.

If I can go full-time from now on I should be able to finish in a couple years.

I'm going to study in CIS (Computer Information Systems). I'm really hoping this will be good enough to get me into a job. We'll see.

There have been so many times that I have said I want to do better, I just really hope and pray that this time I can truly turn around my way of thinking.

I want there to be a difference. I want to be reliable and want others to see me and know that I will finish whatever it is I start. I know it's somewhere inside of me just waiting to come back out.

This is definitely going to take a lot of hard work and a lot of prayer, but I'm ready for it.

One Year

2011-10-18T17:37:00.000-07:00

If you were told you had one year left to live . . . what would you do?

How would you live it?

What would you be thinking and feeling?

These questions have been going through my mind ever since I heard the news that my grandpa has a rare cancer that cannot be operated on . . . leaving him with only about one year left to live.

I definitely do not know how I would react to such a difficult situation. Would I fall apart? Or would I stay strong until the very end . . . doing all I can to make that one year really count?

Another question that consumes my mind is . . .

What do you do when someone you love with all your heart only has one year left to live?

Lately, I have been extremely distraught over the news of my grandpa's recently found cancer. I cried just at the thought of life without him when I heard what the doctor had told him.

I always imagined my grandpa being at my wedding whenever that special day would come for me.

I pictured him there when I have my first child, if God ever blesses me with any. Holding him/her in his lap and playing around just like he would do when I was a small child.

I have so many wonderful memories that I will hold onto and cherish forever.

In the time that I have left with my grandpa I want to take in every moment that I spend with him. I want to see his smiling face and etch it in my mind and heart so that I'll never forget it.

I cannot . . . MUST NOT let the sadness consume the time I spend with him.

I want to make this time count . . .

Sometimes . . .

2011-10-04T09:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things don't turn out the way you always thought or expected they would.

Sometimes our heart breaks and we don't understand what good can come of it.

Sometimes everything around us seems to be changing and we don't recognize what we are to do in our life anymore.

Sometimes we feel alone.

But the reality of it is . . . God is still there and HE knows where we are to go. He will never change. We just need to trust him and follow where he leads us . . . even when we are surrounded by the fog.

A very good friend of mine said to me . . .

"I know it looks like nothing will be the same but I can tell you it may not but what God has planned is much better."

I really needed to hear that.

So thankful to have a never changing, all knowing, caring and loving God. I am so blessed.

I am extremely grateful to have a wonderful family and godly friends who always remind me of God's hand in everything!

Who I am and What Others Think of Me

2011-09-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

I have spent most of my life measuring myself by what others thought of me . . .

If I wasn't liked by someone . . . "there must be something wrong with me".

If someone disagreed with something I did or said . . .I felt like a horrible person.

If I was loved and accepted by others . . . I felt as though I must be okay.

It was as if I let the thoughts and feelings others had toward me define and "make" me who I was. Obviously, I know that I wasn't what others thought of me, it was just something going on in my mind, but I did let this thought process take over my life. The sad part is that I let the negative feelings rule over anything possitive.

You know . . . I have lived my life like this all the way up until now. I have been miserable. I know what is right. I know that I am who God made me to be . . . I know that HE makes NO mistakes, but somehow I allow the thoughts of other people bring me down.

Lately, I have been having some difficulty with someone who didn't like something I said. Hearts were hurt. Friendships were broken and lost -- shattered into pieces. I couldn't understand it, so once again I let this situation bring me down. I allowed it to, again, "define" who I am. Someone disliked something, so I immediately let these thoughts and feelings that were against me make me feel as though I was a terrible human being.

The truth is . . . I am a child of God. I make mistakes just like everyone else, but these mistakes or misunderstandings DO NOT make me who I am. Who I am in Christ is what defines me.

I have decided that if I want to live life without being miserable half the time, I need to stop measuring myself up to what others think of me. I need to recognize the difference between who I am and what others feel about me.

I just need to focus on the one that matters most . . . God

Just Follow

2011-09-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday, pastor preached about following God not matter what. It doesn't matter if we can see where he is going or where he's taking us. Sometimes we have a hard time trusting Him. We want all the wrinkles ironed out and everything set out in front of us . . . then maybe we'll follow him.

I really loved hearing what he had to say on the matter. I feel as though I do not trust God nearly as much as I should. It makes me doubt sometimes. I sometimes doubt that I am truly saved, and wonder how he could be so good to me still. In all reality, I know that I am saved. I know that I have been redeemed. But why can I not trust him with my whole life??

I find myself always thinking about the future and what I'm supposed to do in my life. I want to know every detail. I want to know that I am heading in the right direction and know when and where to turn. I think of all the "wrong turns" I have made in life, and of how I have so often felt so lost because of all the different directions I went in constantly trying to find my way and correct my wrong turns.

How wrong I have been!

Only God can make things good. Only He can make correct the wrongs I have done. Only He can direct my paths and show me the way. I cannot do anything without Him.

That night I was talking with my parents. I was telling them how I feel so horrible that I have changed my mind so many times . . . how I've gone so many different directions thinking God wanted me to go in that certain direction only to find that He didn't really want that path for me -- it was only my short-lived desire. I asked how I'm supposed to know what path God wants for me. Then my mom looked at me and asked "Did you grow and mature from all those experiences?" To which I answered yes. "Then how could they have been wrong? How else are we supposed to grow and learn to trust God?" I never thought about it like that . . . that it was all a growing experience for me. God may or may not have wanted me to go every which way, but He takes everything and uses them to grow us and to teach us to trust Him through everything.

I don't want to feel lost anymore. I want to know and to trust that God knows exactly what he is doing. I just need to follow him whether or not I can see where we are going. Just follow.

Finding "Acceptance of Self" Through God

2011-08-16T17:36:00.000-07:00

All my life I have been insecure in who I am. In my mind I was never good enough for anything. I didn't think I deserved to have friends or to be loved by anyone.

As a teenager, I wanted to feel accepted. I couldn't accept myself, so I wanted to find acceptance from someone else . . . then maybe I'd be alright and could finally be happy with who I am. I didn't have many friends as I was growing up, which made me feel even less of a decent person.

As I transitioned from girl to woman, I soon discovered that my thought process was all wrong. I didn't need to be accepted. I needed to trust in God. I needed to realize that God makes no mistakes . . . not even when He made me. When I wouldn't accept who I was, I was not accepting the amazing love and power of God.

Someone once asked me if when I see a tree or a flower do I think it's perfect. I answered with an enthusiastic “yes!”. He then asked me why. I thought for a moment and answered “because God made it . . . and he made them so beautifully”. He looked at me with a smile on his face. At that moment I realized that God makes all things beautiful.

I still struggled often.

I have been getting convicted a lot lately. I have been reading in my Bible about how that we are supposed to give God all the glory in everything. When I felt like I wasn't good enough . . . the truth is . . . I wasn't good enough. If I had been prideful and thought I was great, I could easily try to take in all the glory, when it truly belongs to God. We are never good enough on our own. I needed to humble myself before God, and trust what he is doing in my life.

God has blessed me so much throughout my life. From the very beginning when He brought me into a wonderful, loving, caring family . . . who has loved and accepted me from the very first day. I never could see all the many blessings God has given me . . . or maybe I just took them for granted.

Now I am learning to completely lean on God . . . keeping in mind that I am nothing without Him. He has made me who I am, and He has saved my soul and made me complete.

Spending Time With God

2011-08-14T00:50:00.000-07:00

This evening my family and I went to Barnes and Noble to find a good devotional to use each morning. I have a strong desire to spend time with God each day, but I never know where to start.

We looked through so many different devotionals from various different authors. I was saddened by some that I came across. There was one that read "one minute devotions to begin each day". Has the world become so busy that we can only give God one minute of our time a day? I believe that no matter how busy a child of God is, that they should make time to sit down and really spend time in prayer and in His word. I, myself, am guilty of not giving much time to spend with God.

In Psalm 42 verses 1 and 2, it says: As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. My sould thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God.

How many believers thirst after God like that, or desire to have a close relationship with him? How many of God's children actually take time to spend with Him so they can truly know Him and have a relationship with Him?

As I was going through all those devotionals, I was thinking a lot about myself and my relationship with the Lord. In the past thirteen years, since I got saved, how much have I really done for God? How much time have I actually spent getting to know MY Saviour? In the business of the day it is so easy to put other things before the Lord. We get tied up in work or in school . . . housework, and other daily chores or errands. I realize, though, that it is so important to spend time in God's word. The more time we spend with God, the closer our relationship with Him gets, the more we become like Him, and the stronger we are in Him.

Psalm 1:1-3 ~ Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.

But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

Joshua 1:8 ~ This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.

My prayer is that I can do more for Christ and be more like him. I know I will never be perfect, but I can do my best and strive for it. I want the enthusiasm and extreme joy that a new-born believer has! It has been so long since I got saved, and I was pretty young, so I'm not sure about having had that kind of zeal for Christ . . . I may not have -- who knows . . . but one thing for sure is . . . I want that passion now!

Psalm 119:97-105 ~ O how love I thy law! it is my meditation all the day.

Thou through thy commandments hast made me wiser than mine enemies: for they are ever with me.

I have more understanding than all my teachers: for thy testimonies are my meditation.

I understand more than the ancients, because I keep thy precepts.

I have refrained my feet from every evil way, that I might keep thy word.

I have not departed from thy judgments: for thou hast taught me.

How sweet are thy words unto my taste! yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth!

Through thy precepts I get understanding: therefore I hate every false way.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

Lost Reality

2011-08-11T20:37:00.000-07:00

Oh what I'd give
To see a smile on my mother's face once more --
To hear her joyous laughter.
Oh how it hurts me so deep within.
One moment she is laughing,
Only to fade again into the darkness.
Her face so pale . . . her eyes so sad.
I can hardly bear it.
She's lost in another world --
A lost reality.
A place lost deep inside her mind.
It's all too familiar to me as well,
But it is a place I cannot reach her.
It holds nothing but darkness and fear.
I feel as though I've lost her.
I have never felt so alone.
Oh, Lord! Bring my mother back to me!
Make her whole again.
Bring her back to me . . .

Five years ago my mommy started slipping into a deep depression. In only a year she was totally lost to a nervous breakdown. The above was written when she was at her worst. I wrote it to express what I was feeling at the time. I felt helpless as I watched my mother slip deeper and deeper into depression. I, too, struggle with depression. I never got as severe as my momma did, but I could relate easily to the world my mom lived in, locked up deep in the mind. I wished that I could somehow help her out of the darkness, but I knew only God could do that. She stayed in bed most her days . . . either sleeping or crying under her covers. Whenever daddy could get her out of bed, she would sit on the couch staring off at nothing at all. I have been lead to believe that seeing my mother like this -- all the fear and loneliness that I felt without having her truly there and responsive took me further into depression. I was so afraid that my family was going to fall apart before my eyes. I was afraid that I would never have my momma back. She is my best friend. I didn't know what I'd do without her. She gradually became more responsive, but still was not herself.

Five years of so much distress and constant worrying. Five years of missing my mother. Now . . . I am very happy to say that I finally have my mother back! The Lord has opened all the right doors and has allowed the doctor to find a solution that has now made her whole again. The Lord has answered my daily prayer! It was not at all the timing I was hoping for, but I can say that even though I never understood why my family had to endure so much, the Lord's timing is ALWAYS perfect! While going through this storm I feared for my family, but I am amazed and truly thankful that we came out even stronger than we ever were as a family. God used this situation to tighten the bond between all of us . . . and even to strengthen the relationship we have with Him.

Isaiah 55:8-11 ~ For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Isaiah 40:28-31 ~ Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.

He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Romans 8:28 ~ And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

True Heroes

2011-08-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

August 1, 2011 another soldier went home to be with the Lord. He (Leon Lucas) and his family had attended the same church as me for a while, and he recently was deployed to Afghanistan where he gave everything for his country. I cried when I heard of his passing.

So often I forget whats going on in the world. I felt ashamed that I don't pay more attention to what's really going on. I see in the news occasionally that another soldier or two were killed in action. It never really seems real to me until it's someone I know. It's been so long that our troops have been overseas that it seems not that many people notice what is still happening over there.

The Lucas family has been in my thoughts and prayers ever since I heard of Leon's sacrifice. The night of his death I could not sleep. I kept thinking about his family -- his wife, his two sons, and the other one soon on the way. I kept thinking about what they must be feeling, but I couldn't even imagine, I could only try. I didn't know them very well, but I always saw them as a sweet, godly family.

Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to write. As a bunch of jumbled thoughts raced through my mind, I did my best to write it out. I wrote with two men in particular in mind. Leon Lucas . . . and Timothy Watkins. I still remember the night (October 15, 2005) when my family got a call late at night from our pastor. The night he told us his son, Timothy Watkins, was killed in action. We all shed tears that night, and no one slept much at all. I have never forgotten the sacrifice he made.

I wanted to share what I wrote that night . . .

The Soldier

A family sits at home praying for a safe return. They look forward to each call they can receive from him, and fear the one that will break their heart. A mother sits anxiously, praying her son will be okay. A wife lies alone at night wishing he was right there beside her. A child calls “Daddy!” in the dark of the night, having woken from a bad dream. A mother fears her baby may never meet their daddy.

He sits in the heat of the sun, while thoughts of his family fill his mind. He wants nothing more than to be with his loved ones, and dreams of the day he will see them again. He hasn't seen them in months, but knows his duty is to protect his country. Day after day he fights to give us freedom. Always alert of his surroundings, never knowing when his last breath will be . . . or if he will even see tomorrow.

So many of these men have given everything . . . These soldiers – these heroes. Everyday another fallen soldier is mourned over. Everyday a family dreams of the day they will see him again in Heaven. May we remember these men always – these soldiers . . . these true heroes.

America's Hero

They are dreaming of the day they will see him again.
No one could have known today would be the end.
He gave everything to protect his country –
To keep America free.
I wish for all the world to see . . .
These men who gave their lives are heroes,
So is the family who suffers such great woes.
You never get something for nothing . . .
Freedom is never free.
It is said of America to be
“The home of the free and the land of the brave.”
What do you tell the family who stands before a grave?
There are no words to ease their pain –
Nothing to fill the void in their lives where their loved one once was.
America truly is the land of the brave . . .
With all the love, support, and sacrifice of each soldier's family,
And all that these men gave –
The bravery is displayed for all to see.

So many people have their own heroes. They have their favorite artist . . . their favorite actor/actress, or favorite athlete who they idolize or say are their heroes. But what have they really done to make them a hero? Sure, they may sing pretty or cool . . . they may be the best actor/actress of the year, or be able to score a touchdown, but what have they really done to deserve the title "hero"?

To me a hero is someone who willingly gives of him/herself for others. I don't only think that the fallen soldiers are true heroes, but also the men and women who join the military knowing the risks and still continue on.

In the dictionary a hero is . . .

"Any man noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose; especially, one who has risked or sacrificed his life."

Thinking on all these things brings Christ to mind. He is a true hero. The ultimate hero. He sacrificed his life willingly to save all mankind. He lived his life knowing that he would die for the world . . . for the people who put him on the cross to suffer and die. He took on all the sins of the world, so that we can have eternal life in Him. If you don't know Christ personally, I would encourage you to do so. You never know when your last breath will be.

May we always remember these true heroes and their families.

A Goal Worth Reaching

2011-07-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

I have a new goal I'm trying to head for.

The past several years it has been a constant battle.

I have fought against a wall that seemed impossible to break through . . . a wall I thought I had to surrender to.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression and was immediately put on medications. Quite rapidly I began to gain weight from the medications. Nothing changed with my eating habits. I was just doomed to face this battle against my weight. There was no escaping it.

I tried different diets and exercised as much as I thought I could get by with. But I never had much success.

Eventually, I just gave up. I didn't want to fight anymore.

Over the course of about 2 years I gained 65 pounds, which only drove me into depression more. I would constantly cry over how ugly I thought I looked. How I thought I was worthless and no one would ever love me like this. (I would remember how that when I was thinner guys paid more attention to me . . . I felt that no man would ever take the chance to get to know me now. Maybe it was a good thing . . . I shouldn't want that kind of attention. I don't want anyone to like me for what I look like. But that's a whole other story.)

I have decided that I am done with that. I'm done with the pity party. I'm tired of seeing myself as ugly just because I gained weight. A bigger me doesn't mean an uglier me. However, I do want to do all I can to get back down to a healthy weight.

Every day I run a couple miles and I am doing my best to eat better. No more carbs or sweets. Mostly just protein . . . and drinking lots of water! I feel like I may be fighting still . . . the reason I gained weight is still there, but I'm hoping and praying that with continuing the fight I can be successful in being healthy.

¡Dios te Bendiga!

2011-06-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

A common greeting we use in the Spanish ministry at church.

A couple years back, more like five or six years back, my dad surrendered himself to serve God in the ministry. He had a burden to reach the Spanish speaking people of this small little town, and bring them to Christ. He began a Spanish Sunday school class at church, which began with only two people to show up each week. Occasionally new people would come, but it seemed people were just always coming and going.

Over the years we have gained a few people who came consistently.

Eventually, my dad saw the need to start a service as well as having the Sunday school class. There still weren't many people, but my dad never gave up. We held a service just like any other -- singing songs, having special music, and of course praying and preaching. My sister plays the piano, another young lady from the Spanish ministry plays the guitar, and I play my clarinet.

It amazes me to think back on how it all started.

This past Sunday we had twenty-six people in service! I do believe that was the most we have ever had in there at a time. The room was full almost to its limit! I love sitting there in my chair in the front of the room playing my clarinet while the other musicians play and the whole congregation sings. It is such a blessing to me to hear the sound of so many voices singing together . . . especially when I saw it when it all began. I saw when our family made up most of the class. I saw when we had to sing without music, and when we began to sing only with guitar to accompany us.

I love these people almost like they were part of my family. I don't speak Spanish, but they all try so hard to communicate anyway. I really wish I could speak Spanish, but I haven't reached that point yet.

I can't wait to watch as it grows even more.

¡Dios te bendiga!

The Merciless Dark

2011-04-19T18:17:00.000-07:00

I thought these days were behind me. I thought this cloudy darkness -- this overwhelming depression -- had left me.

I was wrong.

Some days I feel as though the darkness is swallowing me up and there is no way for me to escape. Inside I'm screaming -- scraping the ground for some kind of hold, but on the outside no person can hear or see.

I am lost inside myself.

This is something only God can comfort and ease.

Can I find the words to pray?

God, save me from this merciless darkness!

These are the only words I can attempt to scream. Can God hear my inward plea?

Moments of Strength

2011-04-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

Strength that comes from God, and God alone.

This past week has been really hard emotionally. Just recently, my Tata (grandpa) took a turn for the worst. We have been to see him many times lately so we can see him as much as possible before he has to leave us. I always thought he was invincible -- I thought he'd live forever. Through the years he has had a lot of health problems -- mostly his heart, but he always makes it through . . . he is so strong. But this time -- it seems there is no getting better . . . just little moments of strength.

These days he just lays in bed sleeping, hardly stirring when approached with food or medicine. The air in the room is heavy, and it seems tears are so close to falling nearly all the time, while we sit there waiting for those moments that he opens his eyes and gives a slight gentle smile -- a smile that tells us he is happy to see us there . . . a smile that says "I love you" . . . then his eyes close again. As I sit there, I can't help but constantly watch his chest just to make sure he is still breathing. For the first time in my life I actually like hearing the snores of a sleeping person because to me it means life. My dad sits on one side of Tata while he reads the Bible to him in Spanish. Every time my daddy reads to him the Bible you can tell he is listening. Somehow it seems just after he has heard the Bible read for a little while he gets a miraculous moment of strength. He gets out of bed to eat with us and can actually feed himself.

Some days I wish I had an internal camera for the days I am without a camera right at hand -- it is so easy to miss "the moment" that you wish could stay etched into your mind for ever and never fade.

Yesterday I watched him carefully, each and every move . . . hoping to never forget these moments spent with him. I watched as he ate his soup then he smiled as he ate a french fry someone had given him. Unfortunately, these little moments of strength only last a little while . . . then he's tired and has to lay down again.

Right now I wish I had known how to speak Spanish as I was growing up. I have always known Tata loves me, but I wish I was actually able to have at least one conversation with him. I've always loved to get a smile from him because that's how I know -- he loves me.

Now when I go to hug him he doesn't hug back . . . he is too weak. But last night -- a moment I want to hold onto forever -- when I bent over him to give him a hug, he gently kissed me on the cheek.

I look forward to those moments of strength, and will cherish them forever.

Just Some Thoughts

2011-04-07T00:31:00.001-07:00

I recently read a story by Tillie Olsen entitled "I Stand Here Ironing" for my American Literature class. It is about a mother discussing her daughter to someone who maybe works at the school the daughter is attending . . . it never really does specify. Through the whole conversation the mother is ironing. The person who came to speak to the mother was concerned about the young girl, so she wanted to find out more information about her. The mother tells the young girls life story. Throughout parts of the story I feel as though I can relate to the young girl . . . maybe not in such a dramatic way, but similar feelings just the same. I believe that the things this young girl felt is pretty much the way every young girl feels at some point . . . jealous, insecure, maybe a bit depressed -- and for some . . . like myself -- shy.

"I stand here ironing, and what you asked me moves tormented back and forth with the iron."

"I wish you would manage the time to come in and talk with me about your daughter. I'm sure you can help me understand her. She's a youngster who needs help and whom I'm deeply interested in helping."

In some ways it seemed that Emily, the daughter in the story, struggled with depression and just life in general at times. She sometimes didn't respond to love or the gentle comfort her mother tried to offer her. Depression can be noticed though different acts or lack of. Emily seemed to show it through the way she reacted toward her mother and others. It seemed she had a hard time letting people in.

"I used to try to hold and love her after she came back, but her body would stay stiff, and after a while she'd push away. She ate little. Food sickened her, and I think much of life too. Oh she had physical lightness and brightness, twinkling by on skates, bouncing like a ball up and down over the jump rope, skimming over the hill; but these were momentary."

Through a section of the story I could see the jealousy Emily had towards her younger sister Susan. It reminded me of the jealousy I have often felt towards my little sister. I love my sister to death. It's just that at times I feel like she is better than me . . . I feel like she got all the good looks, talent, and personality. She has the type of personality that everyone loves . . . bubbly and outgoing. While I'm quiet and shy. It can be hard sometimes not to compare yourself to others . . . I find it especially true when it comes to sisters. I don't even know why.

"Oh there are conflicts between the others too, each one human, needing, demanding, hurting taking -- but only between Emily and Susan, no, Emily toward Susan that corroding resentment. It seems so obvious on the surface, yet it is not obvious. Susan, the second child, Susan, golden- and curly-haired and chubby, quick and articulate and assured, everything in appearance and manner Emily was not . . . "

Just like every girl out there, Emily was insecure -- unsure of herself. There is always the feeling of "what if I do something stupid or make a fool out of myself" or the feeling of thinking that the person next to you is better than you in some way -- more pretty or talented. My whole life I have been insecure, but unlike many other girls . . . I lived by that -- everyone knew of my insecurities, I couldn't hide them.

"She was too vulnerable for that terrible world of youthful competition, of preening and parading, of constant measuring of yourself against every other, of envy, 'if I had that copper hair,' 'if I had that skin. . . .' she tormented herself enough about not looking like the others, there was enough of that unsureness, the having to be conscious of words before you speak, the constant caring -- what are they thinking of me?"

"She kept too much in herself, her life was such she had to keep too much in herself. My wisdom came too late. She has much to her and probably nothing will come of it. She is a child of her age, of depression, of war, of fear."

It was such an encouragement to me when I reached the end because many of us may have these feelings of depression, jealousy, and unsureness at some point -- but it doesn't have to be that way forever. There may be that one thing in your life that makes you "somebody". That one thing that brings the character within to life.

"Mother, I did it. I won; they gave me first prize; they clapped and clapped and wouldn't let me go."

"Now suddenly she was Somebody, and as imprisoned in her difference as she has been in anonymity."

After I finished reading this story and shared my notes with my professor, he went through the story just to make sure I fully understood it. He read aloud a few parts, and when he reached these lines towards the very end of the story I was very near tears. I will be okay . . . I will find my way.

"She is so lovely. Why did you want me to come at all? Why were you concerned? She will find her way."

"Let her be. So all that is in her will bloom -- but how many does it? . . . Only help her to know -- help to make it so there is cause for her to know -- that she is more than this dress on the ironing board, helpless before the iron."

I don't only feel depression, fear, jealousy, insecure or shy . . . that is who I am. I hate to admit it, but I let these feelings rule over me -- they imprison me and keep me from living my life to its fullest. But I'm not as helpless as I have believed myself to be -- I don't have to live by these feelings. I can overcome and triumph just as Emily did. She may be a fictional character, but this is a good example of what it is to overcome.

Frustration

2011-03-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

There is a constant dream that consumes my nights. A dream of extreme frustration . . . a frustration that seems impossible to overcome. I stand before a high brick wall, which casts heavy shadows, covering the ground. I look up and think of how far I have come in my journey and feel overwhelmed at the obstacle that stands before me. I begin to pound on the wall hoping it will just disappear. I take a step back and push into it, but it does not move an inch. I step back further so as to get a running start, but still have no success. I grab onto a brick that sticks out further than the others and try to find a footing below. I struggle to climb over the tall brick wall, but fall at every attempt. I sit on the floor in tears of frustration and hopelessness. I feel I'll never make it anywhere . . . When I finally wake, I think about how this is exactly how I feel, not just in my dreams, but every day.

All my life I have struggled with learning. I read something and often times can't remember what it was about right when I have finished. With some things it seems that I don't pick anything up at all. Ever since I was a little girl, whenever I learn something new I forget the concept the very next day. I feel like with whatever I do I can only make it so far, until I reach the wall that is impossible to climb no matter how hard I try.

I love music . . . I love to sing and play the clarinet, but after I reached a certain point, I felt that I could not excel any further. I have not gotten any better in years.

With my photography, I feel like I have reached that point. I take better photos, but in my class we are working on our midterm, and I am finding that even though in my mind I kinda know what I am doing, I really actually don't because I can't even put it into words.

I am struggling in my other class as well. It is too much reading to be able to take much, if any, in. No matter how hard I try, I fail. It makes me feel stupid. I feel like I'm beating against that brick wall, and won't ever get anywhere.

From Boy to Man

2011-03-20T00:46:00.000-07:00

Today my brother got married. I'm still having a bit of a hard time taking it in. We grew up together, being best friends for many years . . .

Today, as I stood up there beside him and his bride, while they exchanged vows, I didn't see that little boy I grew up with any more . . . the little boy who for so long was my only friend in the world . . . the little boy who played with action figures and cars, and wanted to fly like batman -- jumping off couches just to see if he could. I didn't see the little boy who I had many fun adventures with, playing cops and robbers, or spies, or even the many "clubs" we started just because we thought it was cool.

Today, I saw a man . . . I saw a man who is truly in love. I saw a man who has grown to be such a wonderful godly person. I love this man. We may not be little kids anymore, but he will always hold that special place in my heart. I love you Rob! Congrats Rob and Beth!!

A Never Ending Journey to Health

2011-03-14T22:59:00.001-07:00

I just want this to be over. For years I have been having a lot of problems with my stomach . . . frequent stomach aches that can last weeks as well horrible pain in my right side. For years, no doctor could find anything wrong with me, then last October they found gallstones, so they removed my gallbladder. I was relieved . . . I thought maybe that would be the end of it. I was wrong. Since March 4th I have been in so much pain. Friday, the 4th, it started with being sore in the area where they operated . . . it kinda felt like the pain I had after my surgery before it was healed up. I thought maybe it was normal to still feel a little pain from time to time since it hasn't been that long since my surgery. So, I went the whole weekend feeling sore. Then I woke up Monday morning feeling very nauseous, and felt that way all day. Every day since then I have had a very bad stomach ache, no nausea, but a loss of appetite. I have hardly eaten anything since. This stomach ache is accompanied by the worse pain I have ever felt in my side . . . but this time it's lower than were my gallbladder used to be. I am also having some pain in my chest and sometimes feel it in my shoulder blades. I went to the doctor today and they had me get blood work done . . . they are checking out my liver, and they said it is very possible that I might have stones in the duct where my gallbladder used to be. I hope they find out what's going on soon, because this is just miserable.

Japan

2011-03-12T11:14:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to write a post to say that my prayers are with Japan. It is so sad what is happening over there . . . it breaks my heart to see the damage in the pictures and videos. I can't even imagine the fright that all the people in Japan are experiencing. So many deaths and it seems the numbers just keep rising. I wish there was something I could do to at least comfort them, so I will do the only thing that I can do -- pray.

John 14:16 ~ And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever.

Psalm 9:9 ~ The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.

The Faithfulness of God

2011-03-11T21:27:00.000-08:00

A month or so ago pastor preached a sermon about the faithfulness of God. It was so encouraging to me, so I wanted to post my notes here.

1 Corinthians 10:13

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

Our faith is rooted in a faithful God. He always keeps his word.

"I can resist anything but temptation." -- Oscar Wilde

Temptation pays a visit to us every day and there is always that struggle to resist it.

"No man knows how bad he really is until he tries to be good." -- C.S Lewis

In and of ourselves we cannot resist temptation, so we learn how bad we are . . . and we see how greatly we are in need of God's grace. Temptation always makes a promise to give something that will never really ever be fulfilled satisfactorily. Satan tempts us the same way he tempted Jesus -- the record is in Matthew 4. While Jesus was in the wilderness he was tempted of the devil. From the beginning it seems there has been a battle raging for the souls of men. And if your soul belongs to Jesus then you will face temptation.

It is not a sin to be tempted. Some people feel guilt often because they are tempted all the time. In Hebrews 2:18 we are told that Jesus was tempted like as we are, yet without sin. His temptation was just as real as what we face daily. No temptation hath taken you but such as is common to man -- you are not alone. Whatever temptations we face men have faced before us. Even though some of the people we face walk in with a smile and are happy they are often facing the same things too. But Jesus gives joy, and he gives victory. We are not to be characterized by our defeats, we are to be characterized by Jesus' victories -- we are to be characterized by what he is in our lives. Temptation is a common experience in every Christians life . . . you will never stop being tempted no matter how "mature" you are as a Christian.

God will never put you in a situation where you have to sin. He knows how much we can handle and will not tempt us above what we are able to withstand. Sometimes we feel that the only way out is to sin, but that is not the case. The pressure may be enormous but God always provides a way to escape. Some people slide slowly into something and they feel so stuck in it that they think there is no way out. God's way out may not necessarily remove you from the temptation permanently, but he will put you in a position to endure it with grace. Sometimes we will be tempted over and over again, and each time God promises to give us what we need to resist successfully.

As we walk with the Lord we will discover that there is someone who absolutely desires to ruin our walk, ruin our testimony -- ruin our lives. We will find ourselves sorely pressed by the devil, but God is faithful. There is always a way out. Temptation properly resisted prepares us to do greater things for God. Temptation often comes when we least expect it to. Trust the Lord . . . He is faithful.

Clarinet

2011-02-21T16:28:00.000-08:00

The other day I was watching some videos on YouTube of the clarinet being played. There were some AWESOME clarinetists that I found. There was one in particular, Jorg Widmann, who played a song called "Fantasie" . . . it was amazing! The guy had great control over his clarinet, which left me in awe. Hearing all those clarinetists playing made me miss playing MY clarinet. I started playing the clarinet around the age of thirteen or fourteen. I taught myself for the most part, but began taking lessons a couple years later when I joined the Jr. Philharmonic. I only had lessons for a couple years off and on. I used to LOVE playing my clarinet . . . I would practice my clarinet for up to four or five hours every day! It was rare only to play an hour . . . that was only when I was just too busy. But I never played less than an hour a day. I was first clarinetist in the local Jr. Philharmonic . . . first out of two or three clarinetists. I was involved in several music competitions . . . never really placed . . . except for one time that there were only two contestant, that time I won second and third place for singing and clarinet. When I was eighteen I began having a lot of problems with my jaw and had to start wearing a splint on my lower jaw, which caused a lot of pain because it was forcing my jaw into the right position. So . . . sadly, I had to quit the orchestra and couldn't hardly play for several months because the pain was too great. After being out of playing for so long I had a hard time getting back into it, so I didn't even pick my clarinet back up for almost a year. I have tried getting back into it several times, but have failed every time. I play for church every Sunday, but that's it. I rarely pick it up otherwise. Right now I am having a hard time focusing on everything I love to do (playing the clarinet, singing, photography, and writing). It just seems like too many things to be able to do them all. I need to figure out a way to keep all these things in my life because they all mean so much to me. Today I played my clarinet for a little while . . . it was like I had never stopped. Music soothes me . . . I couldn't survive without it. I have uploaded a slide of pictures I have taken accompanied by a track of a song I played. There are a few mistakes, but it's decent.

The Story of Life

2011-02-11T18:15:00.000-08:00

Life is like a good book . . . it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. A good book is full of adventure, love, happiness, sadness, hate, pain, frustration, and failure . . . much like life. Each person has a unique story . . . and no one can see the whole story at once (aside from God) . . . you must survive one page at a time. Write your story so that it would be worth reading when life is over and you and God take a look at what you've done with your life. Make someone smile or laugh . . . share God's love, it is then that you'll see everything else between is worth it. Live one day at a time, taking each experience and growing from it. Write your life story so that when you enter into God's presence He will hold His arms out to you and say "Welcome home my child, well done."

So often I view life wrong. I want the good and easy things in life, but want to get by without any pain or frustration . . . or most of all -- failure. I, myself, am a writer . . . or at least try to be . . . I know that a book could not be any good if all it has is happiness and bliss. What would life be without pain, frustration or failure? We would never grow or mature -- we would never truly know what it means to live. Life is often hard, but when we trust God, we triumph and overcome the many obstacles that cloud our way. God never promised that life would be easy . . . we live in a world that is corrupt, how could it be easy? But God does promise that he would not leave us. Each experience we go through builds us up to be the person we are meant to be. I want my story to be one that would show God's love and power -- a story that my Saviour would be pleased with.

Allowing God to do His Job

2011-02-09T23:22:00.001-08:00

I have come to realize today that I feel very deeply when others suffer. It effects me almost as if I was the one struggling. I joy in trying to help others and often feel as though I have failed when the struggle continues within the other person. As I was sitting here tonight reading my Bible I realized that maybe I was taking these situations out of God's hands when I would feel as though I failed. I am to allow God to work through me . . . but I am nothing but a tool in His hand. I can speak truths and share what God's word says, but then the rest isn't up to me . . . it's up to HIM. After I have said all that I can, my part is then to pray diligently and let God do the rest. All along my intenstions may have been good, but I was not trusting GOD to do his part.

What Faith Can Do

2011-01-31T18:10:00.000-08:00

I am now going through my third week of this semester and am still optimistic! I know it has still only just begun, but by this time in past semesters I was already starting to get discouraged. This semester is already turning out to be one of the craziest yet. I have been staying up until two or three in the morning every day doing homework. It can be very difficult to keep myself awake so late. So throughout the night I am constantly standing up, walking around and sitting back down just to keep myself awake and focused. I can't help but think that in the past I would not have endured staying up so late . . . I would not have been able to handle it. I probably would have quit at first sight of so much work. I thank God for the strength He is giving me!

My literature class has proved to be a challenge in keeping up, but I am still enjoying it . . . reading pieces of literature I have not yet read. My photography class is a joy. It is a lot of reading as well, but nothing I can't handle. My teacher has told me several times that I have a good eye for composition and take very nice photos. That is such an encouragement to me.

I had gotten into the math class that I was on the waiting list for. Today was my first day and when I arrived I discovered I had already missed a quiz and it was test day today. Sadly, I had to drop the class because I have not done math in a year so there was no way I could take that test. I sat there for a little while trying to do the test, but I got nowhere. It was for the best any way because I want to have a full opportunity to get the highest grade possible . . . if I stayed I would have missed points from the things I already missed.

Today on my way to class I was listening to one of my favorite songs by Kutless . . . it's called "What Faith Can Do". That song has been such an encouragement to me because so often I fall, but I have to learn to get back up and keep trying. One of the lines says "Impossible is not a word, it's just a reason for someone not to try." Whenever I feel like giving up I think of that line. Here are the full lyrics to the song . . .

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise from the ashes
And make a new beginning.
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger -- stronger than you know.
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining.
You gotta face the clouds to find the silver lining.

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling.
I've seen miracles just happen,
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new.
That's what faith can do.

It doesn't matter what you've heard
impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try.
Everybody is scared to death
When they decide to take that first step out on the water
It'll be alright.
Life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing.

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling.
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do.

Overcome the odds -- you don't have a chance
When the world tells you that you can't
It'll tell you that you can!

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling.
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise.

New Beginning

2011-01-20T22:43:00.000-08:00

I have just completed my first week of school, which went GREAT by the way. I am only taking two classes due to enrolling too late and all the classes being full, but it will still be wonderful. I have two instructors that I actually like . . . at least so far. My American Literature class is going to be insane because of all the reading I am going to have to do, but I welcome it! My instructor said he is trying to keep our reading under 100 pages a week, so we'll see how that goes. My photography class is going so much better than my first attempt at taking the class. I am understanding all the technical stuff so much better now that I am more acquainted with my camera and how it works. I have already done my first photo assignment, which was to shoot the Half Henge. I go tomorrow to take my re-shoot.

Today I was thinking about how that one of my biggest problems that causes me to get discouraged about school is the fact that I have been there for two years already and have not gotten anywhere! However . . . I was not as serious about school as I should have been. I started out in the lowest classes possible, so I had that against me, but most of it is my fault. I would often start a semester full-time then would drop classes . . . or I would "take it easy" some semesters with only taking 1-2 classes. Today, I did some research to find out how many credits I would need to get my associate degree. I found out it could be anywhere from 60-67 credits. I believe I have around 6-10 credits completed that will go towards my degree, and I'll have a few more from this semester. I am planning on taking classes in the summer every year now too. So, I did some math and found out that I should be able to finish in TWO years. That's how long I have already been at this, and how long it should take to earn an associate degree . . . but instead of getting discouraged, I will see this as a new beginning! A new beginning in which I can stay positive and enthusiastic. I won't look back, just look forward!

New Thoughts

2010-12-29T17:37:00.000-08:00

I am so excited! I can't wait until the new semester begins. I am so determined to make it through this semester and still be encouraged and excited to continue on through the following semesters. At this point, I am hoping to take classes in the summer as well as the spring and fall so I can try to speed up the process a little. I know it will still take a lot of time, but I have waisted a lot of time already, and I just really want to try to catch up at least a little bit.

I just bought myself a little netbook so that I have my own little computer to use during school and for homework. I will be taking a photography class this semester, so it will be very convenient to have my own computer to upload my photos.

I really want to prove to myself that I can stay dedicated to one thing until I finish it. This is truly where I believe God wants me to be, so I just have to stay faithful knowing that even though it gets tough, God is with me the whole way guiding my footsteps. I can't hide behind my excuses anymore. I may have a learning disability, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid . . . I can still do it . . . I just have to work a little harder than most. I may have had to start out lower in my classes than many have, but that just means I have to work hard and catch myself up as much as I can . . . not just give up when it seems hopeless.

I can't wait!!

A Year of Struggle

2010-12-19T15:55:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote a new post. Life has been pretty crazy. This past year has been one of the hardest ever for me. I came to realize that what I wanted to do in life just couldn't happen right now. I have always wanted to get married and be a house wife, but life has not been turning out the way that I had always expected. I am almost twenty-two years old and have had no idea whatsoever what I wanted to do with my life. I have always prepared for the day that I would get married, but I never prepared myself for a life of being alone . . . or the possibility of having to work even if I do get married. So this past year has been a constant struggle as I try to find which direction I should go with my life. Two years ago I started college . . . it wasn't what I wanted at the time, but I really had no choice, so I went for it. I enrolled with an English major because I love to write. I had to start off at the lowest classes they offer due to a learning disability I have struggled with my whole life. After each semester, I became frustrated with the fact that it was going to take many years just to get my associates degree, so I felt like I was just wasting my time. This past summer I decided that I would quit college and do a professional photography course through New York Institute of Photography. I had heard that I could complete it in as little as eight months and photography has always been a big hobby of mine. It was the easy way out for me. I could make something of myself in a short amount of time . . . sounded like a good plan to me. I was so excited! Until . . . I got my supplies and got started. I just didn't have peace about it anymore . . . I felt like I was doing the wrong thing. But how could it be wrong? It just seemed so perfect. It just wasn't God's will for my life, I suppose. I decided to quit the photography course and went back to college. So, this past fall I enrolled in a couple classes. I was pretty pleased with how school was going. I was in a creative writing class, and I was learning a lot about what I love to do. However, along the way I got discouraged, again, at the thought of being there for two years already and knowing it will still take me several years to finish . . . and all for an associates. I decided that I would try another thing that I could complete in the matter of months. I get along really well with the elderly and I really care about people, so I tried getting into a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) program at a nursing home. I took a CPR class and started preparing for the program. Again, I was so excited! The closer I got to it, the less I felt it was the right thing to do. I just didn't feel right about it and I didn't know if I could actually do it. I may care about people, but it would be very difficult to get myself to clean, bathe, and dress them. Deep down inside I had a desire to still complete college, but I struggled still with the thought that I'd be there a long time. I was in torment . . . literally feeling crazy because I kept changing my mind every few months. I just didn't know what to do. I finally came to realize that I have lived most of my life in fear . . . I was afraid of the unknown . . . just life in general. This past Friday, I went to the college to enroll and had the biggest blessing ever! I was about in tears at the power of God . . . He reveals His will to us in ways we could never imagine. I will never doubt again that I am right where God wants me to be. When I enrolled I was told that I only owed the college a dollar. I didn't know how that was possible. The lady told me that my fafsa went through. I had given up on that months ago because they kept saying I had several errors . . . it was just getting too frustrating. Anyways . . . to make a long story short . . . I don't have to pay for this semester and I get a complete refund for this past Fall. If that isn't a sign from God I don't know what is! God is just so good to me! Right now, I no longer feel lost . . . I believe that I am right where God wants me.

By the way . . . I am thinking I might want to be an English teacher once I finish College. :)

Short Story

2010-10-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

I just finished writing this short story today. I began writing this a few weeks ago, but didn't edit it more until this afternoon. I began writing this story with the intention of it being a full book, but I felt like this bit of it could stand on its own as a short story. For now, it has the title of "The Girl Killer" but I'm pretty sure it will not stay this. I just couldn't come up with anything clever. Tomorrow I have to share this in my creative writing class with a group of students...I am really quite nervous about it. I have never written anything like this before, so it was a big step for me. I was very surprised, actually, when this story came to my head.

Sarah and Katie were in the front yard of their lovely Victorian style house playing with a few of their friends. It was a beautiful, early autumn day. Leaves on the trees were changing colors into elegant shades of yellow and red – the leaves were just beginning to fall to the ground. Clouds were slowly gathering overhead, and thunder echoed faintly through the mountains. All the children were running around screaming and laughing when all of the sudden Katie, who was around the age of five (ten years younger than her sister Sarah) stopped where she was and just stared at the little white house across the street.

The house sat alone . . . one of only two houses on that side of the street, which were separated by big open fields on either side. No doubt the yards of those houses turned into deep, dark woods, leading into the mountains behind the houses.

Across the street, in that old creepy house, an older man lived alone. He often stood in the window and watched the kids playing in his neighborhood. This day in particular, he was watching the kids directly across the road. He watched with loathing disgust as they screamed and laughed. He stood tall and stiff, his face completely emotionless. In his hand was a knife . . . he was holding it up facing downward away from his body as if he was ready – waiting.

Sarah ran up to her little sister and pushed at her arm, “You’re it!” Katie didn’t say anything; she just stood there motionless with her face full of terror. Sarah turned her gaze towards the old creaky house to see what Katie was looking at. “There’s nothing there, Katie. Come on, let’s play.” She pulled at Katie’s arm, but she just let it limply fall back to her side.

“Sissy,” Whined Katie, “der was a mean, ugly man. He was staring at me. He – he had something,” stuttered Katie.

“Katie you’re just imagining it. The old guy who lives in that house is completely harmless. He’s a retired soldier; he’s just messed up mentally now . . . people believe he went crazy. He’s not going to do anything – he never even leaves his house.” Sarah tapped her sister’s shoulder gently. “Come on, you’re the one who begged me to come out and play.”

Katie reluctantly turned away from the old house and ran off to resume playing with her friends before it got too dark to play outside anymore. They had begun to play a game of catch, which Sarah tired of quickly. Just as she was heading back inside, Katie yelled “Oh no! Da ball went into da cweepy man’s yard!”

Sarah turned around and grabbed her by the shoulders and gave her a quick shake. “Katie, stop being such a baby! Just go and get it . . . nothing is going to happen!”

“No, no . . . I won’t! Da cweepy man might det me!” Katie whined with tears forming in her eyes. “See, der he is! He’s looking again!”

Sarah looked over at the window. “Ok, so he’s looking out the window. You’re such a wimp! He won’t do anything! I told you, he’s just got some mental issues from fighting in a bloody war. And it’s the creepy man might get me, not da cweepy man might det me!” Sarah said sarcastically as she stuck her tongue out at her sister.

Katie stuck her tongue out in return. “Come on, let’s go inside.” Katie said to her friends as she walked towards the front door.

“You’re all just a bunch of big wimps!” Sarah turned around just before she made it into the house and decided to go get the ball before it got dark and she wouldn’t be able to find it. “Ugh, things I have to do for my sister!”

As she crossed the street, the old man was still standing in the window. “He looks nice . . . ” she whispered to herself. As she stepped onto his brown, crunchy lawn, she yelled out to him that she was trying to find her ball. The man nodded slowly. “See, he’s harmless.” She couldn’t find the ball anywhere. “Maybe it made it to the back yard?” She looked up into the window to see if the man was still standing there. Sure enough, he was. As she looked up at him he lifted his hand slowly and pointed towards the side of his house. She waved as a kind gesture and said thanks as she ran towards the back.

Walking alongside the house looking every which way she made it to a door at the back of the house. Suddenly, the door opened, startling her so that it made her jump. She looked up slowly noticing the man was standing in the doorway wearing a worn out pair of blue jeans and an old plaid shirt. He was holding a ball in the palm of his hand. She just stood there looking at it for a second. “This isn’t our ball . . .” she thought to herself. “Eh, just take the ball and go back home. She won’t even notice the difference.”

“Thank you,” she said as she hesitantly reached up to grab it. The man handed it to her and nodded, saying absolutely nothing. They both stood there a few seconds just looking at each other, until Sarah smiled and nodded then silently began to turn away to walk back home. The mysterious man grabbed onto her arm just as she was about to take her first step. Now . . . she was scared, though, she tried desperately not to show it. Sarah looked down at his hand that was gripping her arm. He was holding onto her arm so tight that it was almost too painful that she wanted to cry out in pain.

“Come eat some ice cream.” The man said in a monotonous voice, breaking the silence. His face was emotionless and stern. His eyes looked deep into Sarah as if he could see down into her very soul. It frightened her. She felt that he could sense just how scared she was even though she tried to seem untouched by his persistency.

Still trying not to sound or look scared she said as calmly as she could, “no thank you, I really have to get back before supper.” When his grip didn’t loosen she tried to pull away, but had no success. She tried to scream for help, but the man cupped his other hand over her mouth and began to drag her into his house. She kept struggling to get away, digging her sandaled feet into the dirt trying to find a footing. She kicked and squirmed as the ball fell – rolling across the dirt.

The man seemed so strong – too strong, really, for being so old. He was only maybe in his mid-fifties, but he always seemed so fragile to everyone that saw him, which made him appear older. Once he finally succeeded in getting the girl through the door he slammed it shut behind him. The room was surprisingly neat . . . not a thing out of place.

The man began pulling the young girl towards his nightstand where a big sharp knife was laying. He hated children, especially the pretty ones. He grew up always being teased by the other children all the way through high school and then on through to college. The girls took pleasure in teasing and torturing him . . . going out with him only to stand him up or make some kind of fool out of him. The boys would beat him up whenever they could find him alone. He despised young people. He would take each one out; one at a time . . . they had no right to live.

Though Sarah felt helpless, she bit the man’s hand to try to get away from his strong grip . . . that was the only thing she could even attempt to do. The man yelped and grabbed his hand to look it over. He was bleeding pretty badly. Sarah took the opportunity to try to run away, but he caught her and threw her back. He heard a squeal and looked back finding that the girl had fallen against the corner of the dresser. Her head was bleeding and she was only half conscious, slumped down toward the ground. He smiled slightly, grabbed his knife off his nightstand, and slowly began walking towards the helpless girl – knife up and ready – blood flowing down his arm from the wound on his hand. She was able to gain enough strength to look up and let out one loud, eerie scream, but it was too late.

In God's Hands

2010-10-05T17:55:00.000-07:00

The stress is just too much!!

Every night, I dread going to bed. I lay there in bed completely still -- listening. I'm just waiting for the moment I hear the voices of men outside my window again. I hear a noise and I peek outside . . . I know that if I actually see someone I would probably scream like nothing else, but I just have to know. Last night I think was the hardest night for me since we found out there had been guys out there listening to us. It was so windy outside and every noise only made my fear grow. This whole thing has me really jumpy and tense. I now see that those things I've heard of out in the world really could become a reality to even me . . . it now has become "real" to me. I almost feel like every stranger is a potential threat. I am afraid to go anywhere by myself now. I had to go to class this morning and I was trying to find any way out of it . . . of course with no success. I always feel like I'm being watched now . . . in my own house. It seems crazy!

I feel like such a wimp.

I have now decided that I have had enough. I'm pretty sure that we are ok now. We closed all our front windows and are now putting up TONS of lights in our front yard . . . if that doesn't do it, I don't know what will. Even if these men decide to try to come back, I just have to place it in the Lords hands. I must trust Him to take care of me!

So . . . tonight, I will try to go to bed with confidence that I am in the Lords hands.

Proverbs 3: 24-26 ~ When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.

Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh.

For the Lord shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.

Psalm 118:6 ~ The Lord is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?

Psalm 56:11 ~ In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me.

Creepers

2010-10-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

Creepers is an understatement!

A couple nights ago, I had just recently climbed up into bed and I was alone in the room at the moment. Outside was pretty silent . . . I have a hard time hearing anything out there because of our swamp cooler. We have each bedroom window cracked so that the air can have a place to flow through. As I was laying there I started to hear voices and laughter . . . through the breeze flowing out the window I could only make out one word that these voices said, which was "window". Yeah, window. Anyways, I figured it was our neighbors or something outside talking . . . they are often out there makin noise. I tried to push the thought outside my head that it was hard to hear anything outside, so how could I hear these voices . . . but I just tried reason that they were being especially loud. Soon, Beth finally came into the room and we talked for a couple hours like usual, then we finally fell asleep. Sometime through the night I heard rustling in the bushes . . . could it have been the kittens? I still do not know . . . I sure hope it was.

Last night, around 1 am, Beth and I were in bed unable to sleep, so like most nights we talked for a little while . . . unaware of the time that was swiftly passing by. We got into some deep stuff as well as some things that made us laugh. Until I had to leave for just a few minutes. Next thing I know Beth was out in the living room. She started telling me what was going on . . . why my big brother was going in and out of the house and why my little brother was scared and why she was so shook up. Apparently, after I left, Beth was thinking about what we had previously been talking about when she heard voices outside the window talking about that same thing and laughing while they were at it. She didn't have much time to register what these voices were saying exactly before she dashed out of the room to wake my brother. My sister finally woke up and we filled her in on what was going on. We found out that a couple nights ago she, too, heard voices. She heard mens voices and laughter as she was changing late that night. What a lovely thought.

By this time, mom and dad were being woken up. Dad went outside while my brother went into each of our rooms so that they could talk to each other and see how well the voices could be heard. Dad said that my brothers voice carried very well out the window as it was being carried by the swiftly flowing air from the swamp cooler. My brother said that he could hear daddy pretty well too until he got too far away from the window, then he couldn't make anything out. They also tested to see if shadows or images could be seen through the blinds in the windows from outside. Thankfully we were good to go there.

Daddy rode out on his bike around the street to see if he could find anyone until he wanted to go further, so he got in the car to drive around a couple blocks. He found a group of teenage boys a couple streets over who he thought could possibly be them. That thought still didn't comfort me . . . I felt it couldn't have been them even if they were out and about in the middle of the night. The voices we heard were much more mature and deep. Daddy called the police and told them what was going on and told them of the group of teenagers that he had found. They didn't hesitate to come out and take a look. As the police officer stopped in front of our house daddy and my brother went out to talk to him. However, they did not get to talk long because straight ahead there were two guys walking up the street . . . only their shadows could be seen as the lights of the police car shone up the street. The officer said he would go check it out.

After talking to the guys, the officer came back to our house. He said that he didn't think that they were the ones, but all of us girl still feel like they were the ones who sat outside our windows invading our privacy. The officer, daddy, and my brother walked around the yard with a bright flashlight to inspect the area around our windows and everything else surrounding. They found many footprints, so they know we weren't imagining things. After the rains we recently had there is no way that there would be that many footprints. The officer gave daddy some suggestions, like putting up a light in that area and trimming back the bushes so it's not such a great hiding place. Nothing that anyone could say last night would be able to comfort us enough to fall asleep. So, we all stayed in the same room and watched TV shows all night. None of us got much sleep . . . maybe a few hours, but that was it.

Still to this moment my mind is going crazy and loaded with so many questions. How often (and since when) have they been sitting out our window listening to our deep dark secrets and desires? How long each night are they there listening, lurking in the shadows? What do they want? How many are there of them? Who are they? Do they live in our neighborhood? Do they know what we look like? Do they watch us as we walk outside to our car or to check the mail?

Well . . . I suppose we'll never know.

One thing that I do know is . . . I feel thoroughly violated!

Depression

2010-09-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

Depression has been my constant companion for as long as I can remember. . .

I get sad.

I cry.

And . . . I pray.

I improve.

I smile.

And . . . I laugh.

One thing I know . . .

It is sure to come back to get me.

It's a never ending cycle.

Today is one of the bad days, so . . .

I am sad.

I may cry.

But . . . one thing for sure --

I will pray.

I am so thankful to know

That God is with me the whole way.

Penelope and My Life

2010-07-25T21:14:00.000-07:00

The other night my dad put on this movie entitled Penelope. I used to love that movie, but I haven't seen it in forever! I always felt like I related to the girl in that film who was named Penelope because of an age-old curse that was put on her family, which was for the first daughter born of that family to be born with the face of a pig! No, I may not have a face of a pig, but I felt that I could relate in the fact that she could not find a suitor . . . they all ran at the sight of her -- and in my case they run when they get to know me and find out how conservative I am . . . all the "rules" I have . . . when they come to find that, in their eyes, I am pretty weird when it comes to relationships.

Penelope's curse could not be broken until one of her own kind would except her as their own, so her family is constantly bringing in groups of guys to meet her to see if one would except her. In one particular scene Penelope is quite discouraged after a whole group of guys flee from her house out of terror -- her mother tries encouraging her . . .

Mother: Penelope, just one man, one man.

Penelope: And he'll run too! They always run. Why can't you except that? For seven years I have been watching them run. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Do you?

Mother: I'm sorry, but we can't just quit.

Penelope: We can, because no matter how much I want to believe that there is one man who won't run away, one man who . . . who . . .

Just as they see a man still standing in the room where she had revealed herself. She hurries back to her spot on the other side of the mirror where he can't see her so that she can ask him if he saw her.

They start to become friends on opposite sides of the glass. Eventually, she reveals herself to him and he just stood there staring at her . . . he didn't run.

Well, I guess I can't relate entirely because she ended up running because she was scared, however, my point is that I would like to find one man who will not run away, one man who would love me enough to accept me the way that I am.

Although I must add that he ran after her, but when she asked him to marry her in order to break the curse he said that he couldn't because he knew something they didn't know . . . he wasn't one of her kind.

Match-maker: Wait, he's still a blue-blood! He can break the curse.

Penelope: Max, I know this face repulses you . . . and I wouldn't, I wouldn't dream of asking you to accept it.

Max: No . . . no . . . no . . .

Penelope: But this isn't me, the real me is inside here somewhere just waiting to come out and you can make it happen, and once the curse is broken I'll be just like anybody else.

Max: What if the curse doesn't get broken? What if the curse can never be broken?

Penelope: Then I'll kill myself. I promise, I promise I will. Marry me, Max. Marry me.

Max: I can't.

Penelope: Get out.

Max: I'm...

Match -maker: Get out! Get out!

By the end of the movie, they get married after it was revealed that he only said he couldn't marry her because he wasn't one of them . . . he didn't have the power to make her happy by breaking the curse.

The very thought that he cared enough about her to try to do what he thought she wanted touches me. He was willing to lose her if that meant she'd be happy.

I am just waiting for that one man who will not run away . . . the one man who would be willing to withstand anything to be with me in the end. Every time I see another man run (figuratively) the opposite direction because they don't like the way that I am saddens me deeply.

In the film Penelope says "I felt the rush of a thousand heartbreaks."

The other night I found that I still like that movie because, even though it's not a true story, it still gives me hope. I can't wait until God brings the right man into my life who will love me forever . . . who will accept me just the way I am.

My Roller Coaster

2010-07-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm really beginning to feel a little crazy. These past few weeks have been like a roller coaster. I change my mind almost every day about what I want to do in my life right now. I have once more changed my mind . . . I know you're all probably thinking I'm pretty insane, but I have not felt so at peace these past few weeks about what I am doing for my life until last night when I was talking to my mom and discovered my hidden desires and who I really am.

I have been trying to do this course through the New York Institute of photography. I could not wait to begin, but once I enrolled I felt I wasn't doing the right thing. I just kept trying to get somewhere with the course and tried ignoring my feelings of negativity and tried to appear happy and content.

I realized that most of my life I have always wanted to try to do something huge for my life so that I can feel like I'm important . . . when I was little I wanted to be a famous singer, then I moved on to wanting to be a big writer . . . soon after that, I wanted to be a big time photographer with my own business and studio. But I have come to find that I don't need to be well-known in order to be somebody. I am not comfortable with taking pictures of people, I much prefer taking pictures of objects and all of nature around me. To have a studio is just not me.

I have always wanted to be a house wife . . . of course I am not able to go down that road yet, but I would like to keep my hobbies as hobbies and stick to my true dream. I do still want to write a book just to see where I can go with that, but I will not be doing it to "make something of myself" . . . but rather, because I love writing. I still want to be a good photographer and take millions of pictures like usual . . . maybe someday I can become good enough to display them or to take pictures for people that I am comfortable with just because I enjoy it, not for fame or money . . . just simply for the love of it.

So . . . here's my new plan . . . wait for it . . . I have now canceled my photography course. I get to keep what I got so far and owe nothing else from now on. I know the course will always be there, so if I ever feel like that is the path I should take at another time then I can shoot for it. I just feel like it's a whole lot of money to pay for information I don't particularly need (they teach you everything from photographing weddings to sports, nature to glamor . . . just everything). I will finish reading my "Nikon D60 for Dummies" so that I can get more familiar with my camera and know how to use it, then buy a couple books that help you take pictures of nature and other things. I went to CMC today to get my schedule re-printed since I had thrown it away with the intentions of dropping out of them for this semester (I knew there was a reason I hadn't gone to do that yet). When I was on campus, it just felt so right . . . I knew right away that I was doing the right thing. So now there is no going back, NYIP is dropped and I am just about ready to pay for my fall classes. I am so excited!!

Always Changing

2010-07-13T19:23:00.000-07:00

Never in my life did I ever imagine that choosing what to do for your life could be so challenging. When I was younger, I would see young adults around me constantly changing their majors and their course of direction. I always wondered why. I thought that once I knew what I wanted to do I would stick with it . . . why would it be any other way? I have been having the hardest time knowing what to do, and I don't really want to say that I know for sure now, because I have learned that the road is not straight before you . . . you have to find your way with direction from God. However, I am now content in which direction I am going in . . . no doubts . . . for now.

I have decided that I am doing the right thing by taking this photography course. It is proving to be challenging, but everything in life that is worth anything will be challenging. But, I have also decided not to drop my writing dream. Before, I said that I didn't want to pursue it the same . . . like being a published writer, but I have come to terms that I still want to publish some day. Yesterday I counted and found that I have at least 41 poems . . . I'd say thats a pretty good start for a book. Of course they need lots of work, but I am prepared for that. I have also always wanted to write a fiction about the Holocaust . . . that piece of history has always captured my heart and mind . . . I could never put my mind around such cruelty. I have recently ordered a few books having to do with the Holocaust so that I can learn as much information about it as possible. In a few years, after much research, I hope to begin writing my book.

I do realize, though, that it can easily change again, but right now I am completely content and excited for I want to do in my life. Thanks to all those who have been such a great encouragement to me and never cease to pray for me!

Jumbled Thoughts

2010-07-07T15:29:00.000-07:00

Right now I couldn't be more lost and confused. I was so excited to start this photography course when I first found it, but once I enrolled I felt like I was making the wrong decision. I feel like certain things confirm that too, but who knows. If not photography then what? I had always wanted to be a house wife, but I don't see that happening in the near future. Maybe I am just a little discouraged and am really actually on the right path. As of right now, I just feel lost. I guess time will tell. Some say to live life and make your own mistakes . . . we all have those. But I have always wanted know which direction I was going . . . I don't like feeling like I'm just wandering around aimlessly.

Lately, I have been so down about my appearance . . . I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. It is so strange that when you can't see yourself you don't really realize how much weight you have gained. The other night I was watching old videos from when I was in high school and then when I graduated . . . as well as looking at a load of pictures from when I was younger. I was never really skinny, but I was thin. I found it strange that when I looked back at old memories it was such a happy and sad experience. So much can change in such a small amount of time. It nearly brought me to tears as I sat at the computer reminiscing. I remember being so down about myself when I was younger . . . thinking I was so ugly and fat. Now I would give anything to look the way I used to. I often wonder if God allowed me to gain 60 pounds just to show me how thin I actually was . . . just to show me what it really meant to be fat. I always put it off on the medication I was put on, which is when I started the weight gain . . . but I just don't know anymore . . . it most likely was that, but maybe that wasn't all. I don't think I can ever get back down again, and it saddens me that I don't really have something to show for having gained so much. Many women can say that they have several beautiful children to show for their weight gain and that they wouldn't change a thing . . . but me, all I can say is "I used to be suicidal so I was put on medication . . . the end." I keep on telling myself that if I could be as thin as I used to be I would appreciate it so much more, but no matter how much I keep on wishing and dreaming, I'll never reach that place again. In some ways it has grown me as a person, but in some ways it has made me become bitter. I am having to learn to except myself the way that I am and realize that I am some body no matter what I look like. But sometimes I get so down about it. The other day I went to try on some sun dresses because I needed something casual to wear at VBS. I was so frustrated when nothing would fit right. I told my mom that I wished I was depressed instead of fat . . . deep down inside I know I could not really wish that, but it's hard not to think it.

Kids that touched my heart in VBS

2010-06-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

Vacation Bible School is officially over for this year. I just got home from the closing night where a bunch of the kids parents showed up to see what had been going on through the week. It was a great turn out, I'd say.

This year for VBS the money that the children brought throughout the week is going to two missionaries. On Thursday the kids got a chance to see one of the missionaries and had the opportunity to speak to him -- Kyle Sheridan, on his way to Chile. What a blessing.

Here are a few of the sweet faces in VBS that have touched my heart and life.

Opened Eyes

2010-06-22T19:19:00.000-07:00

This week is Vacation Bible School (VBS) at the church I attend. For several years I have had the group of 3 and 4 year old girls. The boys also follow close with a different leader, however, we seem to share the load together. This year I wanted to have the same group, but was a little hesitant to take them. Recently, I have struggled really bad with anxiety, so I didn't know how I'd be able to handle them...after all, 3 and 4 year old children tend to be out of hand at times. I decided I would still help out this year and take on the group of kids that I have had for around 4-5 years.

Yesterday was the beginning, I thought I wouldn't make it through the day. All together, with the boys and girls, we had roughly 25 kids. There was two little kids that just loved to cling to me. One wanted to constantly sit on my lap, while the other leaned into my side wanting to tell me tons of stories and show me her funny faces. At one moment, this young girl stopped dead in her tracks on the stairs and turned to me saying "look at my funny face" while she pulled out the sides of her mouth with her fingers, stuck out her tongue and crossed her eyes...she made me chuckle as we continued down the steps.

I found I didn't have a very good attitude that day, I went home so stressed. During crafts, each worker had to help out at least 3 kids each. I usually do just fine with this type of stuff, but I seriously thought I was going to fall to the ground with a major anxiety attack while I was there. We were helping kids make beaded bracelets that had to have the color beads in just the right order. No matter how many times I would tell a child which bead to put on next I would always find their beads out of order when I came back to check on them. I feared that with how many times I had to take off their beads and tell them to try again, one was bound to start crying out of frustration. I was beginning to burn up and felt as though the room was going in circles around me. I couldn't believe I was going to allow myself to get so worked up over it.

I went to bed last night with the thoughts to do better today. When I woke up I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth, as I was standing there I felt it...the weak legs, the weak stomach, and the rushing, spinning head. I don't know why I got it, I didn't feel too anxious at the moment, but I guess just the thought of going to VBS began driving me into anxiety. These feelings I get always make me panic, which does not help. I just went back to bed for a few minutes and just stayed still, breathing slowly. I wanted to be successful today and do better in VBS, but I found I was off to a bad start. Soon I felt better and finished getting ready.

I found, though, that even though I said in my mind that I wanted to do better I still had the wrong mindset. I wanted to do well, not for the kids that attend, but rather just to prove that I could do it.

This morning it hit me.

There are so many different kinds of children that attend...children that come from Christian families, many that actually attend Calvary Baptist Church. There are several children who come from broken homes, and some who come from abusive families, or experience neglect.

It broke my heart today as I watched each and every child in this young age group. So many shy, quiet, and to themselves...while others act out and try to get attention with every step they take. During story time today, there was this one boy who started crying and screaming, no one really knew what happened. As one of the leaders started taking him outside, he pulled his way towards me and lay his head in my lap as the tears just kept flowing. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces for this little boy who sought me out for comfort. I gently picked him up and headed outside so he wouldn't disrupt the class. One of the other leaders followed, she told me that this little boy is experiencing hard things at home and suggested that he began crying because Rachel, the teacher, was talking about a little lost sheep. No one knows exactly what caused the tears, but the thought that it was possibly something so heart-breaking, makes me really sad.

I began to see these children through completely different eyes. They are not all terrors just because they act out and misbehave. They are simply children who are looking for attention and love. If you handle them right they grow to respect you and listen to what you have to say.You can't expect to change them, but you can try to make a difference. Today, I watched them closely as I saw their moments of tears and moments of contagious laughter. Sure, they need guidance, but I needed to realize...they are human just like me and they have struggles, fears, and insecurities...just like me.

Tomorrow, I will post pictures of a few of their sweet little faces. =)

The Journey That Lies Ahead

2010-06-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago I saw a deal that the New York Institute of Photography was going to have this Thursday...a one day deal. When I first saw it I was a bit disappointed that it wasn't going to be for when I originally wanted to sign up next year. After giving it some thought and talking with my dad, I decided it was just too great an offer to pass up. So I am now enrolled in the professional photography course through NYIP!! I am so extremely excited! I must admit that I am very scared and nervous. I have always been so afraid of failure...I don't know what I'd do if I just wasn't good enough. I know that this is going to be a challenge, but I am going into it with the mind to make it through doing the very best I can and become the professional photographer that I so desire to be. I am hoping by this time next year I can be finished with this course. I get to begin as soon as they send me my materials!

Thoughts of Today

2010-06-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

The future always seems so unsure, doesn't it? Plans and dream are constantly changing...things we once thought -- exist no longer. I have been chasing a dream that I no longer feel I'll reach, at least not to the extent I once expected. For the past few years I have wanted to become a published writer...it was my main focus as I was attending classes to better improve what I write. I have been doing a lot of thinking and have come to the idea that maybe I was going down the wrong path. No, I do not wish for my writing to cease...that is something I love to do and it is my way of expressing how I feel, however, I do not feel it is my purpose to be a published writer. If I end up there some day that would be great, but right now, I am changing my focus to something I find more of a need for.

I found the New York Institute of Photography (NYIP) online the other day and did some research. It is completely do-at-your-own-pace right in the comfort of your own home. They teach you everything you need to know to be a professional photographer. This course can be completed within eight months to a year by doing a couple hours a day, but they give you a maximum of three years to complete it in. As I have gotten several requests from people to take photos for them I am finding that I will most likely be more successful in the photography business than in the world of writing.

Now these next few months I will be trying to earn up enough money to be able to get into this course...I need to pay up front, otherwise it's an extra three hundred dollars. My goal is to begin this course through NYIP in January. Whether I return to CMC next spring is uncertain...I will be spending a lot of time in prayer trying to figure out what God wants me to do. I do still want to learn Spanish, so I may return to CMC for only that one class, but we will see.

Shadows

2010-05-16T22:31:00.001-07:00

These past few months -- lets say -- the past 6 months have been a struggle for me. November 28th -- two days after Thanksgiving -- me and my boyfriend broke up. I had never wanted that to happen, but apparently God did...He sent us our separate ways and revealed to me different things about our relationship; however, I still wanted things to work out between us. I have found that I had grown bitter and have slacked off on things of life that I should never had slacked off on...such as school and just everyday duties in the house. I mope around feeling sorry for myself...feeling alone. I have had to sit by and watch him move on and continue on with his life -- all the while I have been dreaming and wishing that everything could be better between us. I find he is the smart one.

Just today I remembered a poem I wrote a couple months ago, and just now does it actually mean something to me. All this time I have been thinking so wrong. I look at what I DON'T have instead of EVERYTHING that I DO have. I am so very blessed and fail to recognize it every day that I am living...if you can even call it living. Now I have truly caused myself to "suffer". I neglected my studies this semester and so now I must pay. I am barely passing a couple of my classes. Like I have mentioned before, I have been humbled and humiliated as I have had to ask for help from professors knowing that all the other students in the class can hear. One day I tried to whisper to my teacher that I was struggling but he just could not hear me...he had to ask me to speak up, so hesitantly I spoke up feeling as though all eyes turned on me. I have decided that this all ends now. Over and over again God shows His face to me and reveals to me just how beautiful life really is, but over and over again I choose to, in a way, ignore it.

First, He showed me His power and mercy by saving a young girls life who had tried to take it herself. It was truly a miracle. After having been [almost] declared dead four times she now lives and is out of the hospital after only two weeks. She was originally going to need a new liver, her organs were shutting down, she was experiencing heart failure, she needed a full dialysis and she couldn't even breathe on her own. This whole experience made me realize how valuable life really is and showed me that I should really appreciate it. I am in complete awe of God's awesome love and power.

Second, God shows His love for me through my family and close friends. No matter what I do they always love me and support me. With family and friends like I have how could I ever ask for more?

God is always showing me that I don't need a guy in my life to be happy. I am a complete person. I have so many dreams and desires and every day I get closer to achieving them. He opens doors for me that I simply have to walk through. I love to sing and play my clarinet and God gives me the opportunity to play and sing at church every week. Today I got to sing in Spanish for our Spanish ministry at church that my daddy preaches for. I felt like I could fly when I was up there singing...I feel so free the moment I start to sing, almost like the whole world around me disappears taking all my pain and heart ache with it. I also love to take photos and desire to become a professional photographer. I get so much practice at it and am now coming to the point where I get to put my work into use and take pictures for other people and/or sell them. What a dream come true! Another desire of mine is to become the best writer I can be. Well, I can write whenever I want...I am attending classes to improve it, but I take it for granted. All these things and I find myself still dissatisfied. Maybe I'm just crazy...

But like I said...I have decided that all this "craziness" ends now.

Surrounded by shadows,

The darkness consumes me --

Frightens me.

It closes in,

Leaving me nowhere to run.

A scream for help

That no one hears...

A scream without sound.

The shadows frighten me

And I squirm.

"Will no one save me?"

I stare longer at the shadows,

Finding them to be shadows of me and my past.

A tear marks my face

As memories flood my mind.

As I try to get away,

The shadows follow close behind.

"Lord! What is it you want me to learn?"

Give me your eyes to see, that I may be free!"

The shadows take form,

Images that reveal my life

And all that has occurred.

I see all those I loved...

All those who hurt me --

Those who broke my heart.

"Why would you remind me of my pain, Lord?

Why would you want me to hurt again?"

I lay in misery

Watering my pillow with my tears.

I see broken dreams and promises --

Things that only hold sadness and anger.

Suddenly, memories of triumph and of love appear.

I see family...my close friends.

All smiling...smiling at me.

I realize -- they were welcoming me --

Welcoming me into their arms of love.

How could have I doubted them?

I see a world a beauty...

A world of sunshine and flowers blooming in the spring.

I feel a warm embrace.

How could I not see?

Many times have I counted my losses,

But how many times have I counted...

My blessings?

A Night to Remember

2010-05-12T23:22:00.000-07:00

Last Friday evening I, along with some friends, got the opportunity to sing at a dinner the church school was holding for their High schoolers...it is sorta like their prom except they don't call it that (but rather, "A Night to Remember") and there is no dancing or anything like that. When we first got there we just socialized and found out when we would be performing our songs. Soon came the moment when all my blood rushed to my head out of nervousness. What if I messed up? What if I fall? All these thoughts flooded my mind. Then I was reminded that God would carry me through the whole thing. We got up there and sang our first song entitled "There is a Healer". After we finished we walked silently to our seats and waited for our first course to be served.

The waiters brought out huge, beautiful green salads and bowls of three different salad dressings. Soon came the main dish, which was so beautiful I had to take a picture of it; however, it did not come out well, there was a shadow, so I could not post that one. I had Chicken Parmigiana over noodles. It was amazing! Following the delicious main course was our dessert...I can't really say what it was because the truth is...I don't really know what it was. Whatever it was, it was great!

After everyone finished eating and we were just sitting around waiting for something to happen, the principle of the school came up to our table and asked if we were ready to sing our other two songs. So, we all walked over to the piano and positioned ourselves so that we could be heard well enough. We sang through "I Stand Redeemed" and then "By the Gentle Waters".

When we had finished our last song I felt like crawling into a little hole so that no one could see me any longer. I felt slightly humiliated as I was walking back to my seat...it was completely silent in the room...you would probably have been able to hear a pen drop. Usually at church when we sing we get an amen from at least one person, but not this night...we got silence. I just had to keep reminding myself that we were doing it for the Lord and not the glory of ourselves.

Catching up

2010-04-15T23:27:00.000-07:00

Wow, it sure has been a long time since I've written...thought it was about time to write something new.

Life is crazy as usual and so much has happened and been on my mind. Life still continues to be a challenge, but in the midst of all the struggles I find light and happiness. As this semester of college rolls close to the end, I'm finding I really need to step up and take control of my studies. I suppose I may have, possibly slacked off, and it is starting to show. I am constantly having to swallow my pride and ask for help from my instructors and often times resulting in feeling stupid for not knowing something that seems so simple. After two semesters (one whole year) of college life and with-holding a 4.0 GPA I am now humbled and feeling slightly humiliated as I am getting the lowest grades I have ever gotten in college. I got my first F the other day and I felt like it tore me up inside leaving me very distraught. In and of myself I am nothing and fail greatly; however, I find while seeking God I find strength to do things I never thought possible.

Time to register for the upcoming Fall semester is right around the corner, so I find myself thinking and contemplating, trying to figure out what classes would be good for me to take. A part of me only wants to take a couple classes and take it easy...while the other part of me wants to head full-on into the new semester--making new goals to accomplish and more complete dreams to chase. As of now, I am looking at taking Spanish 2, Creative Writing, and possibly Digital Photography. That will take me to eleven units and I need twelve to be full-time. Although, the photography class is only for pleasure...it does not apply to my major, so I may need to hold off on that and do something that will benefit me in my major.

I am finding that dreams are constantly changing...even if it is slightly. In the beginning of the semester I was so set on school, it was as if I couldn't get enough of it. Now, I just don't know what I want. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to go to school anymore so I can just stay at home and study up on one specific subject that I would like to write a book about and get started up on it, but other times I think it would be great to have a degree. Life is full of so many decisions. Not that I could actually drop out of school, that just isn't an option...so I guess I meant to say that life is full of so many ideas and desires. Anyways...I am waiting patiently for God to show me which way He has planned for my life, which classes I should take and so-forth.

I am going to start to play tennis with a friend, which I am SURE will help me out with my stress and help me to just have fun. I am looking forward to it!

Lately I have been taking tons of photos, which really seems to cheer me up when I am down. It's as if God uses nature to show me His presence and hold me in His embrace. Here are some photos I have taken.

Remembering the past

2010-01-21T12:56:00.000-08:00

Last night I started reading my journals from years 2003-2007. There are many things about my past that I had somehow forgotten . . . after reading those entries I had in my journals I almost regretted reading them and thought it was best to leave the past hidden, for it is very painful to me to reminisce my past and who I was. In my eyes I was a monster. I have to come to terms that maybe it isn't so bad to remember. As a matter of fact, it is good for me to remember . . . this way I can see the growth and change in my heart and life, and be truly grateful for what the Lord has done in me. For as long as I can remember I have struggled very badly with depression, so much so that I was in danger to myself. I have always dealt with a low self-esteem and had no sense of what is really important in life. I so often missed what I was looking for when it was right there in front of my face all those years. I thank God for the saving grace that He has bestowed upon me.

I will post some entries from my journal just to show where I was and where I am.

". . . I often feel like the world is crumbling into pieces around me. I wish I were never born. Why am I here; why did God choose to make me? Everyone would be better off without me. I'm no body and no one really cares about me . . . anyone that says they do don't really mean it. People only tell me they love me because they feel they have to . . . "

"I have been so depressed these past couple days. I start crying so easily. I was crying the whole way to JPhil this afternoon, or evening should I say. I forced myself to stop crying so I could go in. When I walked in everyone just thought I looked really tired because my eyes were red. During break, Jarrod asked me if I was okay, so I just told him I was fine. When he asked if I was sure I just assured him I WOULD be okay eventually. I so badly wanted to tell him how I felt; at that moment I just wanted to tell someone how I felt to unload, I just felt like I was silenced. My depression has been getting the better of me. I have lost the love for anything I do, even music. I want to just give up on life . I want to die and be gone. I'm nothing, I can never do anything right. I so badly want a friend I can really talk to. I want a friend I can trust . . . someone who will love me for who I am. somehow I don't feel like I could ever have such a friend. I still don't know where I fit in at. I know that my family cares about me, so what's the matter with me! Why am I never satisfied? Maybe I'm just waiting for acceptance from myself. Sometimes I feel like there's no hope for me, like I'll be lost forever in this world . . . I just don't know what to do . . . I just hate life and need serious help. I think that sometimes I am bitter towards God because of the past year . . . why He let me go through so much . . . "

". . . I have been so depressed lately. It's getting really bad, I don't know what I'll do, meaning--to myself. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have control over myself. Right now I'm doing fine, and I do have times like this, you know, being able to smile and stuff. But the Bible does say that "even in laughter the heart can be sorrowful." I don't know what my future will be. My plan had always been to get married right out of high school and be a house wife. But I"m in the 11th grade . . . 17 years old and there is absolutely no one around. I never thought of what I'd do if there was no one around. I can't even go to college because I don't think I would ever make it. I don't learn as quickly and easily as everyone else. I only have one more year of school then I graduate. My future is so unclear. Will God allow me to marry, or will i live a life alone? If I don't end up getting married, what will I do for a living? All these questions with no answers. It's starting to drive me crazy. How am I supposed to get answers? I'm not going to hear a voice come down from Heaven, so then where do the answers come from? Where does anyone get the answer to 'what they're going to do in life'? why must life be so hard? I hate life!"

Well, as you can see I was one messed up girl. I pretty much measured my life and who I was by the friends I had in my life, or the lack thereof. I have always had a wonderful family that has always loved me . . . and yet I chose not to see it or recognize it--therefore, causing me to be miserable. I have GREAT friends. . . especially Ameshia, who has been so wonderful to me and ever so patient. Now-a-days, no one will really know I have depression unless I tell them I do. I would never question God's authority in my life nor question my existence. God has a purpose in my life and I will strive with all my might to achieve it. I never did hear a voice telling me what to do or where to go, but I believe with all my heart that I am right in the place where God wants me. I am satisfied where I am--right here in the arms of God. I am now trying my best to make the very most out of life. I am ashamed and embarrassed of who I was ,but rejoice in who God has made me.

Only the Beginning

2010-01-18T17:25:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow starts the beginning of an adventure . . . another semester of college. This year I have decided to do my very best to stay full-time from now on, no matter what happens or how discouraged I get. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. This semester I am taking my last English class before all the other classes to complete my major will open up, which puts some pressure on me because I feel like I just have to pass this class so I can get on with achieving my goal, which is to get my degree. I really don't want to graduate too long from now. My classes include: English, History, Math, and Spanish. I know it's going to be really hard, but I have faith that I will make it through.

I am getting so excited and anxious about publishing my book of poetry. I am finally getting somewhere with it . . . I have 58 pages so far, which seems like a start to me. Last night I was trying to create my book cover, which is the picture above. Opinions on it would be greatly appreciated. I hope to publish within the next couple of years. Finding a good self-publishing company is going to be the hardest part for me. I have researched many companies online but it seems that with most I can find complaints or the word "scam". I am very paranoid about being used. I would be so distraught if someone took my money or even more my poetry, so I just need to find a company that I trust. I can't wait!!

People Come, People Go

2010-01-06T22:32:00.000-08:00

One sure thing about life is the fact that often times people that come into your life very often leave it as well. I have a very hard time with change--news flash--life is full of changes. Thank God we have one thing that remains consistent--one thing that will never change, which would be Him. His love is unfailing.

A very dear friend of mine who is in the Navy will be deploying tomorrow. He is going overseas to Japan as well as several other places. Once he gets back in July he will be here for one more month then he's out of the Navy and gone! He will be missed terribly; however, I am learning to rely on God and recognize His faithfulness.

Just recently my boyfriend and I broke up--another sign that people come and people go. Even though that was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced, I realize that Gods love and power was being displayed. I thank God every day that He never leaves us alone. Often times we may feel that He would be like us as people and leave us alone, but He never does . . . the truth is--He is NOT like us.

Standing in the midst of the storm

2009-12-21T19:42:00.000-08:00

At times I feel that I am drowning in the floods while I am standing here in the midst of this storm. It seems unending, but at the same time I can see a little light beaming through the clouds. In the beginning, when this all started, I thought the world was coming to an end and I thought for sure my depression would overcome me--pulling me under to the deep dark pit of despair. I feared for my sanity. I lay in the darkness of the night feeling as if it was swallowing me up . . . tears watering my pillow . . . an empty whole in my heart where love once dwelt (well, that's how it felt anyway).

Lately I have been showing myself that I am strong . . . I am a fighter.

I fight to survive.

God lifted me up and set me on a rock, and though the storm is still upon me with the rain coming down I still feel hope. I thank God every day for my wonderful family and friends who have been here for me and encouraged me through all this. Thanks to everyone who has been praying for me.

A night with my Prince

2009-10-30T14:27:00.001-07:00

Last night was amazing! After all the work of getting ready...getting my hair done(which by the way had 76 bobby pins and 11 pieces of hair jewelery), doing my makeup, and getting dressed with all my jewelry and such, Phillip, along with our friend Isai and his date Beth, showed up at my door. Phillip surprised me with beautiful red roses and a set of Sweet Pea scented Spray, lotion, and shower gel. The smell of Sweet Pea will forever remind me of the night with my prince at the Ball. For the first time in my life I felt like a real princess. Phillip looked so handsome all dressed up in his uniform.

After the long drive we finally arrived at the Pala. I started shaking like crazy from the moment I grabbed Phillips hand that was extended to me to help me out of the car. I couldn't believe how nervous I was. We all headed for the door and made our way inside. It was huge! I felt so little and yet so big and grown up as I walked along side Phillip, my arm linked in his. There were Marines everywhere along with all their dates. We walked around greeting many of them...it seemed Phillip knew them all...but I'm guessing only seemed that way, who knows.

When we finally made it into the big room where dinner was to be held is when I can remember my nerves beginning to settle. It was set up so beautifully with red table cloths on every table and eagles, flags, and candles as the center pieces. Off in one corner there were big flags pinned against the wall for people to take pictures in front of. I watched with much fascination as the photographer did his work...watching him pose each and every couple in their own unique way.

Dinner was finally served around 8 or 8:30 pm. First they brought out baskets of bread along with little balls of butter to spread over the bread. Soon they brought out the salad, which was very beautiful. It had tomatoes and cucumber nicely set on the side of the plate with little dried berries and nuts sprinkled over the top. It was simply delicious! After everyone finished their salad they brought out the main dish...Chicken, steak, mashed potatoes with vegetables neatly decorating one side of the plate. That, too, was delicious. Then for the dessert they brought out a huge tray of beautiful delicacies such as: scones, Tiramisu, and what looked like shredded chocolate on a stick, along with several other things.

The night was ended with dancing...of course I am to self conscience to do that. But it was fun watching others dance. I was sad for the night to end. It was all together a wonderful and memorable experience. I will always remember the night with my prince.

The before picture

The after picture

My friend Isai and his date Beth

Phillip and I with the beautiful

flowers he bought me

Love at first sight?

2009-10-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

I have grown up in a culture where love at first sight seems eminent…it is implied through every day life. It is insinuated through the movies, television, and even many books. In the entertainment world, love at first sight is highly esteemed, especially by the hopeless romantics, such as young girls who hope to one day meet the man of their dreams. As I was growing up, I always imagined that when I met the man meant for me, we would instantly fall in love once our eyes met and we would live happily ever after. Little did I know that it would take time to actually fall in love. What did I know? I was young...I believed what I could see. Each individual has their own unique love story to tell; one that God has written especially for them. Here is my story:

It was a bright January day…a little cool outside, though the sun was beaming strong. It was a Sunday morning to be exact…Super Bowl Sunday. I walked up the stairs at church leading to the main building where many fellow Christians were fellowshipping in the back room over some refreshments. It was just an ordinary Sunday…nothing unusual or special to note. Once I reached the top of the stairs I headed inside to greet my friends. I came across a close family friend inside the auditorium who greeted me with a smile and a warm handshake. He said “Did you meet my friend yet? Did you meet Phillip?” Shaking my head, he then led me to the back room where Phillip was sitting on a chair eating some refreshments. I walked over to him and shook his hand welcoming him to church…there was no magic or anything special, just a simple handshake and that was all. Being as shy as I am I just turned around and walked away after that- not saying any more to him.

After the service was over we all met up at a long time family friends house (we call them “family by choice”) to watch the game over the course of the afternoon. We ate yummy meat sandwiches and chips as we all sat in the living room watching television. I remember watching Phillip as he sat there quietly in his chair in his own little “corner”. He hardly said a word…but then again, neither did I.

Soon came Valentines Day. I remember very little in between. We had all the same friends over to our house and had a fondue party. We had strawberries and pineapple, pretzels, marshmallows, chocolate and a cream cheese-marshmallow cream dip. We lit candles all around the room and had nice peaceful music playing. It was just beautiful! Again, Phillip sat silently only saying as much as he needed to. That night, I remember, I thought to myself “He sure is handsome…but he isn’t my type, he’s much too quiet and so am I. Besides he isn’t even available so why even give it any thought.” Still, it was a pleasant evening of fellowship and laughter.

Time passed on. I saw him every single Sunday and never gave him a second thought. He was a nice guy…but it seemed we just didn’t click; maybe we didn’t have anything in common…who would know? He and Isai (the friend who introduced him to us) would come to our house after church every Sunday afternoon as well as every Friday evening. Little by little my family and I got to know Phillip. We became slow, and I mean slow, friends.

Right around April 14th I was on Facebook and noticed that it said that Phillip was no longer in a relationship. I felt concern for him so I wrote on his wall just asking him simple questions like “How are you? What have you been up to? How are things going?” Much to my surprise, he replied back! A few days later I forgot to sign out before I left for class and so he tried to write me through the live chat…sadly I missed it. Since that time we slowly started getting closer and closer to each other. One day I noticed we talked for four hours! That just kept on continuing…we’d talk every day on Facebook for hours. We became best friends, talking to each other about just about everything. Day after day, I became more attached and hoped he was feeling it too. For weeks I struggled with my feelings for him. We came from totally different backgrounds. I wondered if my feelings were right. I struggled with the thought that he would never care for me the way I cared for him…though I tried to push that thought aside.

Finally, one day he told me he had something important to tell me. It was Wednesday the 17th of June when he pulled me aside to take a chance and tell me how he felt about me. I assured him that the feeling was mutual. We then decided that it was time for him to talk to my daddy to get permission for us to start a courtship. Two days passed by and my nerves were going crazy. Finally the time came. Friday night, the 19th of June, Phillip came over to discuss the topic with daddy. My heart was pounding…would he agree to this relationship…would he allow us to be together? After a nice long chat about convictions and beliefs my daddy gave the go ahead! I could never have been happier!

Today, Phillip means so much to my heart. I love him more than I could ever say. His smile melts my heart and his laugh makes me laugh. When he is gone my heart aches for him always wishing he were here.

Love comes in the most unexpected ways…often times catching us off guard. Does love at first sight exist? You decide. For me…love found through patience and a true sincere friendship is what exists in my heart.

Gettin ready...

2009-10-14T14:21:00.001-07:00

Well, the ball is in nearly two weeks...it will be exactly two weeks tomorrow. I am so excited as I am preparing for this event. I have always dreamed of going to something like this...it will be like a real life fairytale. I get to get all dressed up and will get my hair and nails done...and on top of that I get to spend time at a BALL with my "prince". Phillip will be out in the field pretty much right up until the day, that's why I felt so free to post this. (I won't let him see my dress or the pictures of what my hair will look like.) :p Anyways...he is most likely heading out to the middle of nowhere right now and wont be back until the 26th or 27th. :( I will miss him lots(!) though, this is still a very exciting time.

Life is grand

2009-10-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

Life is so grand. School is going great for the most part...it may be a challenge but it puts me to the test of my faith. So many times I feel like quiting but then I see a glimmer of hope. Just the other day I got an A- on an essay, I totally wasn't even expecting that. In class the teacher says "okay, it is now about that time that I finally hand you guys back your essays. But first I want to read 3 of them...the best 3 in the class, a B-, B, and an A-. I will read the lowest one first then make my way up, saving the A- for last." The whole time I was sitting there listening to the essays I was thinking to myself that I wished that that A- was me but thought that it was nearly impossible, especially hearing how good the others were. Then finally...the teacher says it..."And now, the last essay I want to read is Monique's." I felt like my heart stopped for a second- I was in complete shock! My first essay of the semester and I got such a high grade. I thanked the Lord over and over again for allowing me to do so well; for inspiring me.

I have been having so much fun preparing for the Marine Corps Ball coming up. If I haven't made it clear yet, Phillip (my boyfriend) is in the military. He asked me a few weeks ago if I would be his date to the ball...so of course I said yes, of course all this was after he asked my parents for permission. I finally found my dress last week...it is BEAUTIFUL! It is black, which isn't exactly the color I wanted but after all the searching I did it was the perfect one for me. It is floor length and ties behind the neck. It has little diamonds in a row going down on one side of the waist. It is like a sheer material and it parts in the front. Just today I bought a diamond bracelet to go with the dress. I finally decided on an up hairstyle...this morning I talked with the girl who will be doing my hair about it and she helped me settle on one of the many hairstyles I found. The ball is scheduled for the 29th of this month. I will post lots of pictures of everything!

2009-07-11T16:23:00.000-07:00

This whole month Phillip is going to be out in the field...he just got through his first week. He gets the weekend off of being in the field but unfortunately not off work. Well he got off early yesterday morning so he was extremely tired. He told me that I would not see him until Sunday because he had too much to do and was too tired. Well, I was quite depressed because I was missing him sooo much. At about 5:30 he called me and told me he was going to take a nap...about 45 minutes later he shows up at my door with a beautiful bouquet of flowers! I couldn't believe it!! I ran to the door and into his arms...I was just so excited! I'll never forget the look in his face when he said "I got something for you". God is just so good to me, I am truly blessed.

A True Blessing From Above

2009-06-26T13:34:00.000-07:00

Last Friday my best friend asked my daddy for permission to court me. After a long conversation discussing convictions and such my daddy said "yes"! I could never ask for a better boyfriend. God has truly blessed me by sending such a wonderful man into my life.

Let me back up just a little. Wednesday, the 17th of June, Phillip told me he had something important to tell me. So we made time to be able to talk after the evening service at church. To help out with his nerves, right before he could say anything a little boy came up to us and said "She's your girlfriend, huh?" We just dismissed it by saying we were only friends. Poor Phillip, now his train of thought was messed up and he was a bit more nervous. Well, he told me how he felt about me in hope that I felt the same way. So, I showed him a poem I wrote for him to express to him how I felt and assured him that I felt the same way about him. This is the poem I wrote:

I feel my heart race
Every time I see your sweet face.
When I close my eyes
You're right there before me-
Smiling...
Letting me know how much you care.
My heart is full with you in my life-
I forget all my pain and strife.
You are a blessing to my heart...
Forever, I wish never to part.

We decided then that he should talk to my daddy as soon as possible. He said he would the following Sunday but my parents suggested that he do it that Friday, the 19th. He comes to my family's house every Friday and we thought it might be a little weird my parents knowing how we felt about each other and not saying anything about it when he came over. He agreed. So he came over a little after 9:00 pm. and we got right to talking with my parents. So needless to say, we are now in a courtship trying to find out if we are compatible to be married.

The Journey through life

2009-06-03T17:54:00.001-07:00

The journey through life is unmistakably difficult. We constantly come across stumbling blocks; things that cause us to take a step back from reality into the world of your own thoughts to consider what lies ahead of us. You have 1 of 2 choices to make...1: Struggle through it and slowly make your way through the thick fog that consumes your path...trust God to carry you through to the end so that you may become a stronger person in the Lord...2: Give up and refuse to live your life- dragging your feet the whole way. I have tried over and over to live by number 2...it gets you nowhere. For years I have struggled with trying to do things on my own and just simply giving up on my life. I run from my trials and instead of trusting God through them I become bitter. Only to add to my constant rebellion towards God I struggle with anxiety disorder. This only makes living life harder and causes me to feel like I am stuck in this non-stop cycle. When obstacles arise I close off from the world and fight instead of moving forward through the trial. I have come to realize that living this way only causes grief and despair...life just feels hopeless. In times like these it is so hard to pray. I have had enough of living life like this! I have decided that life is much more successful and easier if you stay right in God's will. We all must realize that the trials that we go through are merely stepping stones to becoming a better person. God does not allow things to happen to cause us to fall away but rather draw us in.

My battle

I feel so lost in this world.
So many questions around my head whirl.
Why so often do I stumble and fall?
Unto my Savior I know I must call.
Oh, there’s something holding me back.
What is it that I lack?
On the outside a smile,
All my being in denial,
And my pride takes me farther,
Farther from my Lord.
All through the midnight hours,
Battles have I within me
As my shame doth consume me.
In the stillness, in the darkness of the night,
Emptiness overwhelms me.
Oh, how my heart aches,
Aches to be with thee.
But my pride takes me farther,
Farther from my Lord.
As my guilt eats away at my most inner core-
There I sit alone exhausted and sore.
Day by day,
With each step that I take,
I dig myself deeper-
Making every wrong turn.
O, Lord, when will I learn!
I cannot live apart from you;
For Lord, you are the air I breathe.
You have made me who I am.
I am but a lamb,
Show me your way.

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there! Mothers play such an important role in every childs life so therefore this is a very special day...at least to me it is.

Mommy

She’s an angel,
So gentle and meek.
She’s as beautiful and sweet
As a melodious creek.
She smiles like the sunshine;
Brings warmness to your heart.
Though she’s often taken for granted
I’ll never forget the seeds that
She has planted-
For here tenderness and care
Can soothe a heart in despair.
No matter what comes our way;
Whatever the tragedy that comes to pass-
Nothing will ever surpass
The love of my mother
And her gentle guiding hands.

Living With Heaven in Mind

2009-05-05T17:43:00.000-07:00

Wow! Today was certainly an interesting day. I am way too sensitive for my liking! Well, anyways...there is this song that I absolutely love by Dan Adkins. It explains very well what I feel as I am attending this secular college. Here are the lyrics.

(Chorus)
I'm living with heaven in mind
It's the best way of livin that you will ever find.
Now, my heads not in the clouds
But I'm not ashamed, I'm proud to say
I'm livin with Heaven in mind.

(Verse 1)
In this world we're so misunderstood,
They say we're so Heavenly minded
That we're no earthly good.
They say just live for today
But no matter what they say,
Still I'm livin with Heaven in mind.

(Chorus)
I'm living with heaven in mind
It's the best way of livin that you will ever find.
Now, my heads not in the clouds
But I'm not ashamed, I'm proud to say
I'm livin with Heaven in mind.

(Verse 2)
Heaven's hope is the message I bring
'Cause we're in the world, not of it,
It's a temporary thing.
And I want to make it clear
That my home is not down here
So I'm livin with Heaven in mind.

(Chorus)
I'm living with heaven in mind
It's the best way of livin that you will ever find.
Now, my heads not in the clouds
But I'm not ashamed, I'm proud to say
I'm livin with Heaven in mind.

I'm livin with Heaven in mind.

This song means so much to me. It was written by Dan Adkins who passed about 4 years ago. He used to travel around to baptist churches here in the US. He came to our church just before he died of a heart attack. He had made such an impact on my life...all these years I regret the fact that I was too shy to go up and meet him and let him know what an encouragement he was to me in my life.

Fairy tales and Hollywood

2009-04-29T17:47:00.000-07:00

I have come to realize that though Fairy tales and movies from Hollywood can be very entertaining to people they also have their downfalls. Fairy tales have the tendency to cause small children to have distorted dreams and visions of their future that can last throughout their life. For example, in the movies it shows love at first sight, there is just "the look" in their eyes that cannot be mistaken. Sure two people may be able to be attracted to one another at first sight but in all reality you have to know the person to love them. I believe that the best way for a relationship to survive it must first be grounded on a friendship. Take Snow White for example, She meets the prince and they are instantly in love...the Witch tries to kill her and she falls into a deep sleep, then her and the prince share in true loves kiss and they live happily ever after. But in real life it may be that there isn't that instant attraction but that it soon may be developed over time of friendship with one another. Though, if a young girl is hoping for that moment when their eyes meet for the first time and they are just in love, and it doesn't come at first, she may give up and miss out on any chance of true love.

A young girl may also begin to believe that they have the power to change someones life drastically, such as in Beauty and the Beast. Yes, a woman may have some hold over a man when they are in love and may have some power to lead the man to want to be a better person, though, a young girl must NOT get into a relationship with a guy who is not on the right track and hope to change them.

I speak completely from experience. I was once that little girl who thought that she could change a man and hoped to find love at first sight. Fairy Tales are not reality.

The beauty of the Desert

2009-04-27T21:14:00.000-07:00

Today was such a beautiful day! I went to my class today as usual, which went very well. On my way home I took the scenic route so I could take some pictures of the beautiful wild flowers growing all over the open fields and on the side of the roads. Yellow ones, orange ones, white ones, and purple ones...it was just gorgeous! I also must say I love the look of the flowers either against wood or against rocks...it just gives it such a refreshing look. Here are some photos I took.

My greatest weakness

2009-04-25T20:55:00.000-07:00

I do believe that my greatest weakness is the fact that I just cannot talk to people, even about things that are so very important to my heart. Today I went soul winning with the church. I don't do the door to door knocking due to me being so shy and unable talk, I go putting tracks on doors without knocking...that seems to be comfortable enough for me. Well, today there was a guy sitting outside in his yard smoking his cigarette...I immediately stiffened but tried approaching him as casual as I possibly could. I had my little sister and a friend following close behind me. finally I approached and said as joyfully as I could, "Hi, we're from Calvary Baptist Church and we're out inviting people to church. Can I give this to you?" he said yes, so I gave him the track and told him to have a nice day and turned around and started walking away. Before I got anywhere he said "Is that it, you don't have nothin special to tell me?" I froze right where I was then turned around slowly. I was thinking "this guy is going to challenge me, huh?" I was scared out of my mind. "What do I say to him?" I thought. I walked back towards him and said, "Well, Jesus loves you very much, and-and-uh, he died on the cross for your sins and umm Him and I would love-would love to have you at church. What could I say ? I must have seemed so stupid to him! He began asking me questions that I had no idea about. He also asked what we as baptists believe...like if our doctrine is focused on John the baptist or something. I got to tell him that we believe in Christ, God's son, and that he came to die for our sins on the cross, he said that he believed that too. So I just finished with "our church teaches strictly from the Bible. We would love to see you some day if you can make it. Have a nice day." And we all went walking on our way. How could I not even be able to speak about the Lord without freezing?! I just hope that God isn't too displeased with me. Well, I suppose this is just an issue I need to be praying about.

The Pressure

2009-04-23T18:08:00.000-07:00

Today in class I realized just how different I am than all the other students. Sometimes I feel so out of place. Today, a young man asked me what I thought about marijuana...he wanted to get my "religious" point of view. Of course I know what I believe about all drugs but when confronted about my beliefs I freeze. I hate that about me...I'm just too shy and scared. I obviously don't know much about drugs because I have not experienced it first hand but I do know what I believe. I believe that we should keep our minds open and clear so that we don't destroy our lives. Drugs can tear families apart as well as your bodies in the long run. I know someone very close to me that was into drugs, maybe not marijuana, but nonetheless was into drugs. His life was nearly destroyed...we never saw him. He suffered severely from mental issues and some other things. I couldn't tell the young man much of anything because my mind went blank. I felt so stupid. He said I was the only one in the class that had a negative view about marijuana.

In class we are in the process of writing an argumentative essay with a partner. We chose to do ours off of abortion. Being a christian woman I believe that it is completely wrong. On the other hand, my partner believes it is okay in "necessary" situations. I had to tell her my perspective and she made me just feel like I was like a "religious freak" or something. Standing up for what you believe can sometimes be a very difficult thing to do.

On the subject of "religion"...I hate it when people put it that way. I am not in a religion. "Religion is man trying to work their way to God, Christianity is God coming to man through a relationship with Jesus Christ"~Unknown. I just wish everyone else could understand what I believe. It makes life so complicated when you are so often misunderstood. I know God will give me strength.

What is Love?

2009-04-22T17:38:00.000-07:00

Last week in English class we were learning how to write a definition essay. On the board we did examples and one thing she wanted us to define was love. It caused me to think for a second when I heard a couple students say "what is love?" while others bashed the very gift they were given. I wrote down on my paper what word came to my mind first, which was "action". Several minutes later the teacher wrote on the board that it was a feeling...I don't know, that seemed to kinda rub me the wrong way. So I decided to use "What is Love" as my topic to write my paper...mostly just to remind myself of what love really is. Here is my paper I wrote:

Some say love is a feeling, but in all reality, it is so much more than just that. Love is a choice, an action, and completely selfless. For example, love is a choice. In order to love someone, a conscience decision must be made. A person must choose to love someone for whom they are entirely, in spite of all their faults. Two people who love each other must choose to be there for one another. Second love is an action. So much work goes into love. In order for love to survive it requires all of you, not just a piece or even just most of you, but, every segment of your being. Instead of just saying love, show love. Another characteristic of love is selflessness. Love gives without expecting anything in return. When a person loves someone, they put the other person’s needs and desires above their own. They think of the other person first before they think of themselves. Yes, love is a choice, it is an action, and it is a chance to be selfless, and moreover, the most important thing in life. Love is truly a gift from God.

A new challenge

2009-04-21T18:20:00.000-07:00

Life is definitely a challenge. Today in class I found out what we're doing next and it is so intimidating to me. We are going to be writing an argumentation essay, and we have to do it with a partner...that in itself intimidates me. We have to come up with a topic which we're not even quite sure what to do with that. I'm don't even quite understand everything about it. I guess I just need to prepare myself for a new and exciting challenge and adventure.

Forgiveness

2009-04-20T21:20:00.000-07:00

Tonight the sermon was GREAT! It was based on forgiveness. We read in Matthew 6:8-15. Here are my notes I took:

Matthew 6:8-15~ Be not therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.
After this manner therefore pray ye: our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
For if we forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

When you let things fester inside of you it has a tendency to control you. When you get hurt by someone, don't hold it inside, it's only a waste of time and strength. Don't leave things unreconciled and unresolved. When you leave things to build up inside of you it's like a cancer, it eats at you and only gets worse and gets you more angry. Did you ever stop and think of how much God has forgiven you? And yet, you can't forgive someone else? We are always going to have disagreements with people we come across in relationships, friendships, people we work with, just life, but if you don't get things resolved it will end in bitterness. If you refuse to forgive when forgiveness is requested the Father doesn't' want to forgive us either. Always remember...what you cause not only effects you but the people around you as well. So forgive.

You know, it is so funny, when I got home I was telling daddy how I had liked the sermon and he says "Oh, who have you not forgiven?" I just chuckled. There is not anyone at this point that I need to forgive anything of but it is always nice to be reminded and refreshed upon the things of the Lord. Now I get to just store it away and save it for a later time all the while reflecting upon it's promises.

And the days not over

2009-04-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

Today has been an awesome day for me!! I had school today and it went great! I had my 50 word vocab test today in my reading class and I got a 100...I have not yet gotten any lower than 100 on my vocab tests. That makes me feel so good. I even got myself to sit next to someone new and different than usual...that is totally not like me, I'm usually way too shy!

I have been having troubles with my arm, it hurts so bad but I have not let that get in the way of having a productive day. I got the kitchen all clean and am now making dinner...of course I also went to school.:-) I feel so accomplished.:D

There are revival services at church this week...they started yesterday. I get to go tonight. I love the speaker that comes for the revivals our church holds. Brother Mershon is an excellent speaker...he gets right to the point and says it out straight, he seems to have a way to convict you...I guess I have to say it is the Lord through him that convicts you. I can't wait, I seem to feel closer to the Lord when we have revival.

Life just keeps getting better

2009-04-20T00:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I just started school this past January...not by my choice might I add. I was going to fall off of my dads insurance and I so badly need my health insurance because I have always had health issues. I did not want to go at all and was fighting the whole way through...even though I should know better considering the fact that I am now 20 years old! My parents, though, have been so encouraging to me the whole way through and never gave up on me. For months I kept telling my parents that I wanted to quit, but of course, they didn't let their daughter give up. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I LOVE school now! I am actually learning.=) I am now determined to become a writer. A couple of my teachers and several students have told me that I am talented in writing. Well, I mean, my family has always told me that but I didn't know if it was just because they loved me or not. I guess I should just take their word for it. I hope to be able to publish a book sometime in my near distant future. I write poetry which only comes from God...I give Him full credit.

For the last couple of years I have not been living my life to it's fullest, I have discovered that through going to school. School has totally opened up my mind to all sorts of dreams and desires. About 3 years ago I had my very first relationship and it ended in a terrible heart break. I was sure I was going to marry the guy but obviously it did not work out. I grew bitter towards God and basically gave up on living. I stopped doing all the things that I love to do, like playing my clarinet. I used to never give up on anything and was an extremely hard worker...I loved to work. Well, I fell away from everything I knew to be right in the sight of the Lord...I even hated going to church which I have always loved to do. Something inside of me, though, has just recently clicked. I am now back to living my life and loving it! It has only been one week but I am down the right path once again. God is so good! I hope to finish school and fulfil my dream of being a writer. This past week has only been the beginning! Now I live!!!

The Gentle Whisperer

Long have I lived in darkness-
The life in me had disappeared.
I was hardly living.
Too afraid of life
And not getting what I wanted,
I slipped away from the Lord
And betrayed all I knew to be right,
Only adding more to my grief.
Imprisoned by my selfishness and quiet disgrace
God sent me an angel-
A creature of such grace and light…
My Mother; my gentle whisperer.
With such tenderness and care she led me-
Led me to my knees; a secret place of prayer.
Gently her words caressed me
Showing me which way I should go.
Her love for me is shown in the kindest ways-
Leading me back into the loving arms of God.
The sweetest peace I now know,
Overwhelming me within…
A peace I have never had.
I love my mother…
My gentle whisperer.

Hard times

2009-04-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

These days are becoming so difficult for everybody. People out of jobs or about to get out of a job...suffering to find work anywhere. Even the little children suffer. Last night, daddy and I went to the grocery store just for a couple of things. There, in line in front of us, was a young boy who looked to be about the age of 14 or so...he was wearing torn up clothes and an old baseball cap. It looked as if his mother sent him for a run to the grocery store for a simple little list that she had made up. In my thoughts, I imagined his mother told him to get a little something for himself with the left over change...to repay his kind service. Well, he brought to the counter a Monster, eyes filled with excitement, only to find he was short just a little. He had to kindly and humbly ask the cashier to take his Monster off the list. So sadly he handed it back to her and payed her the money he owed and went on his way. Just an honest young boy shopping for his mother and he couldn't even get the one little thing he wanted. I wished I could have helped him out, but of course, me and my family are suffering as well. Of course this is only a story I made up in my head of what might have been going on with the boy, his groceries, and the Monster, but it hit me so hard.

The Gentle whisperer

2009-04-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to add more to what I was talking about last time. My mom is so very special and very important in my life. This is something I wrote yesterday:

Long have I lived in darkness-
The life in me had disappeared;
No more was I living.
Too afraid of life
And not getting what I wanted,
I slipped away from the Lord
And betrayed all I knew to be right,
Only adding more to my grief.
Imprisoned by my selfishness and quiet disgrace
God sent me an angel-
A creature of such grace and light…
My Mother; my gentle whisperer.
With such tenderness and care she led me-
Led me to my knees; a secret place of prayer.
Gently her words caressed me
Showing me which way I should go.
Her love for me is shown in the kindest ways-
Leading me back into the loving arms of God.
The sweetest peace I now know
Overwhelming me within…
A peace I have never had.
I love my mother…
My gentle whisperer.

Praying Mothers

2009-03-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

A mothers love is so rare...so precious; a true gift from above. The poem "Mothers elbows on my bed" is so very precious to me...it reminds me of the very love of MY mother. So often children face hard times in their life when they seem to turn away from what is good and in my case it was my mother to keep me in check. Just recently I was falling away from all that I knew to be right and was completely lost. My mom never ceased to pray for me and I am happy to say I heading down the right path again. Mother's prayers are never done as they pray for their children. A mothers love can not be beaten.

Mothers elbows on my bed

I was but a youth and thoughtless,

As all youths are apt to be;

Though I had a christian mother

Who had taught me carefully,

But there came a time when pleasure

Of the world came to allure,

And I had no more sought the guidance

Of her love so good a pure.

Her tender admonitions fell

But lightly on my ear,

And for her gentle warnings

I felt an inward sneer.

How could I prove my manhood

Where I not firm of will?

No threat of future evil

Should all my pleasure kill.

But mother would not yield her boy

To Satan's sinful sway,

No more she tried to caution

Of ways she knew it's pain.

And though I guessed her heartache

I could not know it's pain.

She made my room an altar,

A place of secret prayer,

And there she took her burden

And left it in His care.

And morning, noon, and evening

But that humble bedside low,

She sought the aid of Him who

Best can understand a mothers woe.

And I went my way unheeding,

Careless of the life I led,

Until one day I noticed

Prints of elbows on my bed.

Then I saw that she had been there

Praying for her wayward boy,

Who for love of worldly pleasure

Would her peace of mind destroy.

While I wrestled with my conscience,

Mother wrestled still in prayer,

Till that little room seemed hallowed

Because so oft she met Him there.

With her God she held the fortress,

And though not a word she said,

My stubborn heart was broken

By those imprints on my bed.

Long the conflict raged within me,

Sin against my mothers prayers.

Sin must yield for mother never

While she daily met Him there.

And her constant love and patience

Where like coals upon my head,

Together with the imprints

Of her elbows on my bed.

Mother-love and God-love

Are a combination rare,

And one that can't be beaten

When sealed by earnest prayer.

And so at last the fight was won,

And I to Christ was led,

And mothers prayers where answered

By her elbows on my bed.

~Unknown~

My haunting past

2009-03-11T21:11:00.000-07:00

When I was little I was extremely shy. I could hardly express my true self to even my mom. I so badly wanted to come out, as I was lost inside of myself. I wanted to believe I was a human being like anybody else. I wanted to feel like I had a place to belong...I always felt so lonely. I wanted to feel excepted so bad that I made very bad friends, they abused me emotionally and physically. To this day I have a hard time letting go of the past and the pain I felt long ago. I am learning to live my life in the now and just trust in the Lord and hope in the fact that he has made me a new person and that all old things are passed away.

My past seems to hang over me
Like a dark cloud in the sky.
Such a dark memory,
When in the night I would cry.
Many years I have wasted
As I struggled to find my way.
The pain I felt before
Comes to me like rain to pour.
Why must it haunt me so?
This I may never know.
In my dreams I see the darkness;
The loneliness I felt so long ago.
In the dark night it haunts me.
Please, Lord, in the past let it go!
No longer will I live in darkness...
Living only in faith and trust.
The future may seem so unsure,
But God's love for me is, oh, so pure.
Knowing he has my best at hand,
I will follow his command.

My Disastrous 20th Birthday

2009-03-03T17:26:00.000-08:00

This past weekend was my birthday, and you might say, it went a little disastrous. Hmmm, where shall I begin? Well, the morning was quite ordinary and went, I'd say, pretty well. In the afternoon my big brother took me to go see a movie and went and got dessert. We had a great time together laughing and just happy to be together. For the evening we had a nice little party planned with several friends invited. When I got home I received a few phone calls, people telling me they could not make it. So then I was expecting six friends and my grandparents. I was expecting two of my friends to arrive a little late. One was driving from Whittier and the other was getting out of work late...that was OK, at least I would see them for my special day. Momma made me dinner ( whatever I wanted) and we also had a nice big cake to share. My friend from Whittier finally made it and we had a pretty good time, though, all the while I was a little sad for my other friends still hadn't made it. We had karaoke and had a good time socializing. My night ended in tears because I felt that there was just something wrong with me because nobody could make it and my friends never showed up. I balled my eyes out, we had tons of extra food and I had a saddened countenance due to no one able to come. Until my momma and good friend I have known since we were nine comforted me and reminded me that I am loved by many...even if no one was able to make it.

Fondue Valentines

2009-02-15T00:40:00.000-08:00

Well, tonight was an awesome night! I had the opportunity to spend my Valentine's Day with family and friends. We called it our "Fondue party" We had it beautifully set up with candles lit everywhere and fancy snacks. We made up some lasagna and momma made a cream cheese/marshmallow dip for pineapple and strawberries. We made some delicious Mexican hot chocolate, and of course, our fondue. We had marshmallows, pretzels, and strawberries to dunk into the chocolate. We had a wonderful night full of laughter and love for one another. My daddy did a devotion on love and did a marvelous job. It is so wonderful to constantly be reminded of what true love really is. It isn't a warm fuzzy feeling or something that just happens, it is a choice. A choice we all must make whether we realize it or not. Tonight I realized how much family and the good friends we have are so important in my life. We all love one another and constantly share a bond that can't be described into words. Looking into the faces of all who was here, I realized how much we need each other. We were all each others "Valentine".:)

Broken Heart

2009-02-08T18:33:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like the world is crumbling around you, like you will never see happiness again? We are living in a world crumbling morally; a world where heart ache happens every day. Though we still have a light....that light is the Lord Jesus Christ. He never promised days without pain but he did promise he would carry us.

Broken Heart

The wind is blowing fierce,
Clouds are coming fast.
All my hopes and dreams are fading.
My heart is breaking; I am falling.
Lord, help me; save me,
I cannot see you.
Where have you gone my Lord!
I hear him, he's calling my name.
O Lord, why did you leave me?
Why, my Lord, would you allow me to fall?
Why would you leave me just when I needed you most?
Then I heard him,
A voice most tender and understanding-
"My child, did I not promise that I would never leave you?
I never promised an easy road
But I did promise I would carry you.

The Road Not Taken

2009-01-31T14:26:00.000-08:00

The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~Robert Frost

I so love reading other peoples poetry! This poem to me, though, was a bit hard for me to understand. I read it for the first time several years ago but then just recently got the chance to read it again. This poem really makes me think......is it because every person has their own road to travel that it was less traveled? Every body has a choice in life to make....that is, what road they will take in life. It may seem less traveled but that is because it is meant for you and you alone. Though, the road you choose to travel if it is in the Lords will it will definately make all the difference! Once you choose your road there is no going back for the next, for road leads to road. Anyways....thats what I think.

To a hammer, everything is always a nail

2009-01-27T17:22:00.000-08:00

The Hammer is my faith while I am the nail. My faith is what drives me through life. My faith drives me through all the struggles and all the good things as well. With my faith I find my way through this maze called life...it is how I perform in front of hundreds of people or how I write anything I write or, even how I am in school....I do it all in faith. Life is full of so many obstacles….whether it be something good or something bad, but, everything is made perfect through faith by the work of our marvelous God. Day by day my faith drives me one step closer to my Lord. At times it seems that my faith gets worn out, like it just can’t work anymore and I feel so lost and confused but the hammer of my life is strong……it continues on and even when I cannot see it or God I know it’s there waiting to show His face, God is ever so patient with His children and when I can finally see the light again my faith comes out even stronger. There may be times when it seems too strong, like I won’t be able to handle it’s force, but only God can keep me from bending in half. He makes me stronger and stronger every day in order to with stand all the everyday pressures of life. This is one reason that I love the sunset so much....it reminds me of my faith, the sun sets but it always rises agian. It is so full of color and life reminding me that even when my faith is gone that God is still there and waiting for my faith to return.

Children; a Gift From God

2009-01-24T09:08:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the opportunity to spend time with my little cousin who is about two years old. She is sooo adorable! I believe that each and every child is unique and different; special in their own right. They are so innocent and yet they know how to misbehave. Each child is a miracle sent from God above! When you get the chance to spend time with a little child you realize just how special they are....you can play with them and read to them and they don't judge you...they just listen and play with you back. Her little chuckles melt my heart as I tickled her little tummy. Now I just look forward to the day I get to have a little one of my very own that I can love unconditionally. Children truly are a gift from God. Even as a small child...other children are a blessing.

Precious Memories

Time so quickly seems to fade-
Reality strikes me like a blade,
I feel there’s so much for me to say.
O, let me tell you, if I may…
Of a boy I once knew
That I dearly love all through and through.
Oh, what precious memories
Me and my best friend share,
So young and oblivious and without a care.
Two small children,
My brother and me-
As happy and content as two could be.
A tickle and a laugh,
A tear-
A simple hug to calm and to cheer.
Little hands and tiny feet
Twirling around as the time does flee.
We stuck together in the good times and the bad,
Forgiving one another when one got mad.
Ah, yes, precious memories!
And now you, my brother, my friend have grown-
Now spreading your wings
And are learning to soar,
Going through each open door.
Remember always to trust in the Lord.
Thank you for my precious memories,
I love you!

Suffering in the night

2009-01-23T17:38:00.000-08:00

Life is such a challenge....and yet so rewarding. So often I feel like giving up on life and just feel so hopeless, but then God always shows His hand in my life just enough so that I can see that I am on the right path that I'm supposed to be on. He is so gracious to me. I am so thankful to have him in my life.

Suffering in the Night

Late at night I lie awake.
A puddle of tears on my pillow I make.
I am lost within my mind,
That little voice within me I can’t seem to find.
I am lost within myself-
Like a dream within a dream,
But, only this it does seem,
For it is not a dream, but rather,
Reality that keeps a hold of me.
Among the stillness inside of me
There rings out a cry-
The midnight cry of a lonely heart.
Here with my sanity I part.
On goes the ringing in my ear-
A new thought for each and every tear.
It is not my life that I fear,
But only.…myself.
Oh, Lord, please draw near!
So often I am tempted to take my own life.
I get so tired of all this pain and strife.
I do know the consequence-
The punishment for such an act,
I would be no better than a murderer-
A love for all else I might have lacked.
Who am I meant to be?
If only my purpose I could see.
If only I could understand my worth-
He has blessed me so much since the day of my birth.
I am the daughter of the Most High King,
And yet His love I cannot understand,
He holds me in His mighty hand.
How could He love me so?
This, I may never know!
I hear a low ringing- a ringing in my ear!
On and on goes the ringing-
Oh, to me it seems so queer.
In my eyes I seem so worthless
But yet my heart He caresses.
He died for me,
Here in my heart He always will be-
And though I’ll never understand why
I am truly grateful- this is no lie.

World of Roses

2009-01-22T10:53:00.000-08:00

Oft times I slip away
To my world of unending day.
A place of undying dreams-
Where the sun ever gleams.
Who could ever find me there?
The place I live without a care....
Here in my world of roses.
My only place in which to escape-
Such a world of chaos
Where all you gain is loss.
Here as I roam in the wilderness of roses-
My mind to reality closes.
Arms outstretched; reaching towards the sky,
All my worries and troubles die.

This poem I wrote was written in attempt to express the world I have created in my mind in order to escape my troubles...I struggle from depression and anxiety and have often felt that I am worthless and just don't fit in....so here it is. The first one above is my original and the one below is my attempt to turn it into free verse.

Oft times I slip aloof
To my world of unending day.
A place of undying dreams-
Where the sun forever shines.
Who could ever find me?
The place I live without a care....
Here in my world of roses.
My only place in which to escape-
Such a world of chaos
Where loss is all you seem to gain.
Here as I roam in the wilderness of roses
My mind closes to reality.
Arms outstretched; reaching towards the heavens,
All my worries and troubles die.

God's Glory

2009-01-21T18:23:00.000-08:00

Today was an awesome day!! I had to take tons of pictures today of the Half Henge on campus for a class assignment in the digital photography class. I got to take them right around sunset and the beauty I witnessed was amazing!!! To me, all the beautiful world around me is God's way to reach out to me....Him showing his love and glory down on me. I believe He created such a beautiful world in order to show all the people here on earth of his greatness. So many of us are so used to whats around us that we take all the true beauty around us for granted. I think we all should pay more attention to all the beauty that we have been so blessed with; watch the sunset....the very time of day when God paints the skies. See all the beautiful plants and flowers.....they are all unique in their own way....even the Joshua trees.:) I got to go through all my photos I took, on the computer when I got home ...I could only choose 20 pictures to take to class on Friday and that was VERY hard to just choose just 20. As you may be able to tell, I LOVE nature! The beauty in this world reminds me of The Heavenly Father so therefore when I am going through hard times the great outdoors is my comfort. When I stand outside and feel the wind blowing over me as I close my eyes I actually feel like all my troubles just drain from me. It amazes me....its like my wordless prayer.

An awesome Realization

2009-01-15T17:24:00.000-08:00

Today was such a wonderful and hard day all at the same time. I just started college this past Monday for the first time. I had never imagined I would ever go to school, I have a learning disability and have such a hard time in the area of confidence. I would always say...."I can't possibly go to school, that's just not for me. Besides, I couldn't ever make it. Well, just recently I decided I wanted to take a class; something I'd enjoy. Then my plans took a sudden change....(without my permission). I was forced in to having to do full-time school....I wanted to try and have a good attitude about it. I was very scared about the whole Idea....I just didn't know how I would be able to make it. I have been home schooled ever since I was 9 years old.....I couldn't imagine being in a "classroom setting" again, it just seemed so foreign. This past Tuesday I went to a class....my Basic Writing Class, when I left that room I felt so intimidated and scared; I felt so lost. I instantly wanted to drop that class but my parents and a small faint voice in the back of my head told me I should stay. So I decided I would give it another chance. Today was my second class in my basic writing....we had to write an essay in class (I have never written an essay before in my life!). I immediately freaked out.....would you imagine, my essay was to be written on ability and persistence and which is more important. As I was sitting there trying to write, not quite understanding what I was to be doing, it dawned on me that persistence is the most important......at least in my case. I set my mind to doing as best I could on my essay. It may not have come out good or even what was expected of me, but to me, all that matters is that I tried.....at least for now.:) I left that room today with a whole different attitude than I did the other day. I believe that as long as I keep trying and trying I can become a better student....slowly but surely.

The puzzle of Life

2008-08-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

Oh, Lord, why must life be so confusing?
My sanity I seem to be losing.
My life seems like a puzzle.
The trees in the wind do rustle
As my mind floats away
To find out the way.
I feel that a piece is missing.
The picture is still out of sight,
O, Lord, can this be right!
I feel so lost,
In the raging waves I am tossed.
Frustration overwhelms me
As I try to force the pieces-
A mess is all I can see.
My life is a puzzle.
As I place my faith in the Lord
And draw out my sword,
The pieces begin to move-
The Lords power begins to prove!
In every trial and tribulation
We grow a little more
As we are taught how to soar
And the Lord opens every right door.
As the pieces come together
A beautiful picture begins to shine through;
The picture that God himself drew.
Life may be like a puzzle
But through life and all the hustle-
The Lord strengthens and molds
For our whole future He holds.
So place your faith in the Lord
And you shall have your reward.
Through all the pain and strife,
Here you have it….
The puzzle of life.