This week is Vacation Bible School (VBS) at the church I attend. For several years I have had the group of 3 and 4 year old girls. The boys also follow close with a different leader, however, we seem to share the load together. This year I wanted to have the same group, but was a little hesitant to take them. Recently, I have struggled really bad with anxiety, so I didn't know how I'd be able to handle them...after all, 3 and 4 year old children tend to be out of hand at times. I decided I would still help out this year and take on the group of kids that I have had for around 4-5 years.
Yesterday was the beginning, I thought I wouldn't make it through the day. All together, with the boys and girls, we had roughly 25 kids. There was two little kids that just loved to cling to me. One wanted to constantly sit on my lap, while the other leaned into my side wanting to tell me tons of stories and show me her funny faces. At one moment, this young girl stopped dead in her tracks on the stairs and turned to me saying "look at my funny face" while she pulled out the sides of her mouth with her fingers, stuck out her tongue and crossed her eyes...she made me chuckle as we continued down the steps.
I found I didn't have a very good attitude that day, I went home so stressed. During crafts, each worker had to help out at least 3 kids each. I usually do just fine with this type of stuff, but I seriously thought I was going to fall to the ground with a major anxiety attack while I was there. We were helping kids make beaded bracelets that had to have the color beads in just the right order. No matter how many times I would tell a child which bead to put on next I would always find their beads out of order when I came back to check on them. I feared that with how many times I had to take off their beads and tell them to try again, one was bound to start crying out of frustration. I was beginning to burn up and felt as though the room was going in circles around me. I couldn't believe I was going to allow myself to get so worked up over it.
I went to bed last night with the thoughts to do better today. When I woke up I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth, as I was standing there I felt it...the weak legs, the weak stomach, and the rushing, spinning head. I don't know why I got it, I didn't feel too anxious at the moment, but I guess just the thought of going to VBS began driving me into anxiety. These feelings I get always make me panic, which does not help. I just went back to bed for a few minutes and just stayed still, breathing slowly. I wanted to be successful today and do better in VBS, but I found I was off to a bad start. Soon I felt better and finished getting ready.
I found, though, that even though I said in my mind that I wanted to do better I still had the wrong mindset. I wanted to do well, not for the kids that attend, but rather just to prove that I could do it.
This morning it hit me.
There are so many different kinds of children that attend...children that come from Christian families, many that actually attend Calvary Baptist Church. There are several children who come from broken homes, and some who come from abusive families, or experience neglect.
It broke my heart today as I watched each and every child in this young age group. So many shy, quiet, and to themselves...while others act out and try to get attention with every step they take. During story time today, there was this one boy who started crying and screaming, no one really knew what happened. As one of the leaders started taking him outside, he pulled his way towards me and lay his head in my lap as the tears just kept flowing. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces for this little boy who sought me out for comfort. I gently picked him up and headed outside so he wouldn't disrupt the class. One of the other leaders followed, she told me that this little boy is experiencing hard things at home and suggested that he began crying because Rachel, the teacher, was talking about a little lost sheep. No one knows exactly what caused the tears, but the thought that it was possibly something so heart-breaking, makes me really sad.
I began to see these children through completely different eyes. They are not all terrors just because they act out and misbehave. They are simply children who are looking for attention and love. If you handle them right they grow to respect you and listen to what you have to say.You can't expect to change them, but you can try to make a difference. Today, I watched them closely as I saw their moments of tears and moments of contagious laughter. Sure, they need guidance, but I needed to realize...they are human just like me and they have struggles, fears, and insecurities...just like me.
Tomorrow, I will post pictures of a few of their sweet little faces. =)
