Thirty Years

Thirty years that I have been on this earth.

Thirty years of struggles and triumphs.

Thirty years of mistakes and lessons learned.

Thirty years of memories.

Thirty years . . . I can hardly believe it. Where did the time go? How did it pass by so quickly without hardly noticing?

I have so many memories . . . playing "pirates" on my grandpas old truck with my big brother and cousin. Cops and robbers . . . and pretending to dance like Michael Jackson. I learned to ride a bike with my dad in a cul-de-sac near our house twenty-four years ago. And passed out from lack of air due to riding against high winds on a bike ride with dad twenty years ago. Almost passed out watching my sister get cactus spikes pulled out of her leg after a bike accident. Got a black eye from missing the catch of a softball. Countless summer BBQ's and days in the sun playing in our backyard pool. Jumping into freezing pool water when the warmer days had just started to hit, but regretting the decision instantly and jumping right back out. Building rubber band propeller boats to see how far we could get it to go across the jacuzzi. Building countless tents and forts out of any and all blankets and sheets we could scrounge up around the house. Fun camping trips and shooting each other with paintball guns in epic battles. Many scraped knees and some broken bones. Dog bites and stitches . . . boy, what fun we had growing up. I had my first big heartbreak thirteen years ago. I graduated high school twelve years ago. Learned to drive eleven years ago. And turned 20 ten years ago.

It's crazy to think that I am no longer in my twenties. When I think back, my twenties seemed so long . . . and yet so fast. How is that possible?

I've been very contemplative lately. I have been thinking a lot about life. About everything I've gone through . . . everything I've endured. I must say, even with everything I have dealt with and been through, I am so very thankful to be alive.

Despite all the stumbling blocks and things I never thought I could overcome, I have grown and learned to adapt. All my life I have struggled with high functioning autism (which didn't get diagnosed until I was in my 20's), depression from a very young age, anxiety thats often times been debilitating, learning disabilities, and chronic pain (not sure I even remember what it's like not to feel pain anymore). On top of all these things, there's all the heartache as well. The heartache that came from the struggles of making (and keeping) friends. The heartache that came from feeling trapped within my own self when the dark of depression hit . . . or even the strong desire to feel like I fit in, but clearly seeing that I didn't. The heartache that came from failed relationships . . . often feeling like something really must be wrong with me . . . often asking, can I ever be loved? The heartache that came from huge decisions I made . . . wishing I would have done things differently. The heartache of losing my precious babies.

So many struggles. So much pain. So much heartache.

But through all of that, I can see my family who never gave up on me and pushed and encouraged me to be the best version of myself that I could possibly be. My family has loved me through all of it . . . been there for me through all of it. We've certainly had our ups and downs, but I know without a doubt that I am who I am today because of them.

And then, there is the love of my life. We met fourteen years ago when he and I were only teenagers, but we were always in and out of each others life . . . until I realized what a gem he was when our paths crossed yet again, and I knew I couldn't let him go. He is without a doubt my ray of sunshine, and I can't imagine my life without him. He has been with me through a lot as well, and has loved me more than I could have ever imagined possible for someone CHOOSING to love me. The patience and adoration he has for me astounds me. I am truly blessed and so very grateful for him.

Through these thirty years, all the struggles, pain, heartache, and decisions I've made have made me stronger. They have grown me and made me into the person that I am.

My life is beautiful. And I wouldn't change a thing. We all have a story, and this one is mine.

Unexpected Miscarriage Aftermath and Pregnancy

Never would I have ever imagined the range of mixed emotions one could have during pregnancy after having previous miscarriages. I had originally thought that once I'd have a pregnancy that was progressing normal and healthy, I'd just be happy . . . fully ecstatic. While I can say that I am definitely happy and grateful for this very wanted pregnancy, I can also tell you, there is a range of difficult and even guilt inducing emotions that have come with it as well.

At the beginning of this pregnancy, I wouldn't allow myself to get too excited yet. I had no idea if this baby would make it and it somehow felt easier to cope with a loss if I didn't get "too attached" yet. I waited for week 8 to approach, since that seems to be the point when everything would usually fall apart. Week 8 came and went, but I still didn't feel much safer. I could feel my heart putting up walls and I never meant for that to happen. I then waited for 12 weeks and then 14 weeks when I knew for sure I had made it to the second trimester. The fear was still not letting up.

Every new week is a milestone getting us closer and closer to the day we will get to hold our little baby boy in our arms. With every new week, there comes a sigh of relief, but the same feeling of waiting to see what happens. When we told everyone we were expecting, there was joy, but also fear. What if something bad happens? We will have to go through the difficult months of letting everyone know we lost our baby . . . again. I found that sometimes news can travel slow and those who were unaware would be popping up for months to unknowingly bring the horrible pain to the surface yet again. I keep thinking to myself, this is a different pregnancy and so far has been a healthy one, why keep worrying? I beat myself up day after day, feeling like I am crazy or a horrible person for feeling this way. I want my baby. I have prayed so long for my baby. Why can't I just be happy?

It still doesn't feel totally real to me. I can feel our sweet baby boy moving daily and it is one of the most amazing feelings ever. I definitely can grasp that he is really there . . . there's just that never ending fearful question of "is he going to live?". It makes me feel horrible that I'm not fully bonding with him now. With my first pregnancy, I felt an instant connection . . . but with each pregnancy after, that instant connection was less and less. I have no doubts that when I finally see his face and hold him close, I will fall in love instantly! I just wish I had that connection now.

My sister helped me find forums online where other expecting mothers who also had prior losses shared their same feelings of what I am going through. It was very eye-opening to see that I am not alone. That I'm not a horrible person for having these struggles, and it's okay to be going through this. The women who had shared these struggles and had already given birth, gave reassurance that baby won't resent us for it and that we will, indeed, bond with our babies as soon as we hold them. Now I will try my best to be a little nicer to myself and just patiently work through all these different emotions as they come.

To my dear baby boy, Rowan, despite all of this, I know that I love you so very deeply and I will spend the rest of my life making sure you know it. I can't wait until you join us here in our little home. We are preparing a room especially for you.

2018 -- The Year of Healing

As we wind down the year of 2018, I wanted to share my heart and thoughts with you all. These past two years have been something else. Definitely the hardest and most painful. But this year . . . I like to think of it as the year of healing and growing.

January of 2017, My husband and I found out we were expecting our first child. We were amazed it finally happened since just months before, I had an ovary removed due to a tumor and we weren't sure how difficult it would be to get pregnant with only one ovary and the fact we already struggled to get pregnant in the first place. So getting this wonderful news felt like a miracle! We were ecstatic! But then just a short while after, at 8 weeks pregnant, I began spotting. Within the next two weeks, it was clear our little one was not going to make it. I can still remember the anguish I felt as our baby left my body. Horrible pain matched with denial and the wish that I could somehow make it stop . . . the harsh realization that it was completely out of my hands and was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not.

I was left empty and devastated. At first I blamed myself. I thought maybe I did something wrong or maybe I was defective as a woman. Soon, my anger turned towards God. I was told by well-intentioned people that it was a part of His will. Or maybe He didn't think I was ready. I believed them. I believed that for whatever reason, God took my baby from me.

That whole year, I was in such a darkness that I can't even describe. The silence that surrounded me each day while my husband went off to work was sometimes too much to bear and all I would do was cry. My thoughts were my worst enemy, but I couldn't do anything to silence them. I felt like a big part of me had died inside and feared I'd never find my way out of the dark. I had been robbed of so much. I'd never get to rock my baby to sleep, hear their contagious giggles, or watch them grow up. Many people tried to comfort me by saying at least now I know I can get pregnant and can have another one. While I could take some comfort in knowing that, I knew no other baby would ever replace the one I lost.

By the time we had reached a year since the miscarriage (February 2018), I was still not in a good place with God, but I decided I needed to pick myself back up and focus on bettering myself for me and my husband. I finally started to feel the weight of the darkness lifting off my soul. Then just a couple weeks later (March 2018), I found out I was pregnant again! Before I told a single person, I was home all alone and I prayed to God out loud asking Him to please keep this baby safe. I tried bargaining with Him, suggesting I'd stop doubting Him and start going to church again if only He would save my baby. But alas, I lost that baby too. My anger was turning to hate. I hated God for taking my babies. I hated Him for not hearing my prayers.

Throughout this whole time, I was constantly searching, trying to make sense of everything. Trying to figure out who God is and why all this was happening. After all, the Bible says "pray without ceasing" and "ask and you will receive". . . but what did that mean, if not that He would answer our prayers?

June of 2018, I went in for another surgery. I had another tumor that they were able to remove while preserving my only remaining ovary, and had fibroids and polyps removed from my uterus. But my doctor was concerned we would struggle to get pregnant, if at all, and suggested fertility treatments. We agreed upon a method and went through some more testing before beginning treatment. I didn't fully have peace about it, but I figured I was just scared.

In the meantime, I had reconnected with an old friend who I feel God has used in a big way. She listened and encouraged the best she could, but I was mostly encouraged by her life and story. She invited me to attend the church she is a part of. It was both difficult and wonderful walking into that first service. I knew I was ready, but I was also scared. I knew my heart was healing and was even opening back up to God and I decided within myself that I was going to trust Him.

I couldn't get over the fact that I didn't have peace about doing the fertility treatments, so I discussed it more with my husband and it turned out, he only agreed to do it for me, so we decided to forgo fertility treatment. I didn't know if we'd ever be able to have kids of our own or if maybe He would lead us to adopt. But I knew I'd be okay either way.

Through all of this, I came to realize that all that time I had been praying all wrong. None of us will ever be exempt from the heartache and pain that comes with living this life. I was trying to ask of God something He simply is not. His promise isn't to keep us from pain, but to be with us through it, to give us strength, to help us grow, to help us heal . . . THAT is His will. I hated the one who could help me get through one of the hardest things I'd ever have to go through. He was still there nonetheless, I just couldn't hear Him because I wasn't listening.

Now here we are, with a miracle of a baby growing inside me! We have almost made it halfway through the pregnancy, which I find absolutely amazing and exciting!! I so look forward to the day we will hold our little one in our arms.

I still think of our two other little ones often, and it still makes me sad that I wasn't able to keep them here with me, but I will surely carry them in my heart with every breath I take.

Would you believe me if I told you I had some sort of peace after my second miscarriage earlier this year? That I just had this feeling that something good was coming? I didn't know what it was or if I was just crazy, but throughout the rest of this year, its been there like a still small voice that calms me through my fears. It calmed me when the doctor told us we'd likely not be able to have kids on our own . . . just as it's calmed me through this pregnancy when things got scary. Even though my stubborn self would panic and cry, that little voice has reminded me it will be alright.

Remembering 2013

As the year 2013 comes to a close, I find myself thinking back about everything that the year held for me and my family.

So much has changed in such a little time . . .

This year, my little sister got married and, in turn, I gained another brother. It took some getting used to the thought of my baby sister getting married . . . I struggled with the idea a bit. After all, she was my baby sister . . . no one was good enough for her. This event took place late September. But you know, this whole thing has grown on me. I feel blessed to now have a brother-in-law . . . one who I know will take care of my little sister. He has shown that of himself already. And I can clearly see he loves her, which is what I have always hoped for my sister and friend.

The week after the wedding, my family made a move that I had dreaded for so long. We had to leave the home where I grew up. We had lived there for a little over 17 years. But you know, it really is true when they say "home is where the heart is". It doesn't matter where we reside. All that matters is who we are with . . . and in my case . . . I'm with my close, loving family. Thats all I care about now.

Our newest change, is the birth of my first niece. Born to my eldest brother and his wife on December 22. She is a little bundle of joy. Our little miracle. And she's perfect, might I add! She just made it home  to be with us yesterday morning. 

As I look back on this whole year, I have only one regret. One thing that I wish I could go back and change. I wasted too much of this year being angry and bitter and extremely depressed. I was realizing this fact earlier this morning. 

Closer towards the end of 2012, I experienced something that really took a lot out of me. Something that tore my heart into a BILLION pieces, and instead of turning to God for comfort and strength, I became angry and bitter at HIM. I was so angry that He allowed this to happen to me. I was shattered, and I turned away from the only one who could make me whole again. I just didn't understand why things had to happen the way they did. Why I had to suffer so much pain and emptiness. But the truth of it all is, I am the one who let this situation effect me in the way it did. And I regret that I did not place my trust in God, knowing that HE has my best in mind . . . but instead was angry with Him for not doing what I thought was best. (What do I know, I'm not God!) And I know that when I try to take things in my own hands . . . I mess things up bad!

I'm ready to put this all behind me. I'm ready to make things right with my Saviour and put my trust back in Him. I'm ready to move forward, taking this coming year and making it worthwhile. Something that can honor our Lord. My main goal this coming year is to show others Christ's love in ALL that I do.

Dreams of Grandeur

For as long as I can remember I have had dreams of grandeur . . . dreams that seem nearly impossible to achieve.

When I was a young teenager, I wanted to be a great musician. I play the clarinet and sing. Some tell me I have the voice of an angel and that I play so beautifully. I have never seen this of myself, but that didn't stop me from loving music more than almost anything. I wanted to be a world-renowned musician!

Then in my later teens, I still loved music, but I also loved writing. I loved to write poetry and write short stories. I wanted to one day be a published writer . . . one that others would see and admire.

But then in my early twenties, I wanted to be a famous professional photographer. I love taking pictures of nature! It is one of the many ways I have to express myself and show others what I see.

Not too long after that, I wanted to be a graphic and web-designer. I have so much fun creating things, and it gives me great joy to see others enjoy my work for themselves. I currently design church bulletins and other things for the ministry, such as certificates and whatever else may come up.

Now . . . well, now is just a mess of dreams. I want all these things! Maybe not to the far extremes of fame and popularity, but nevertheless, I love music, writing, photography, and designing . . . I want to be somewhat good at all these things. Not to mention other small dreams that have come my way. Things like having some sort of gluten-free bakery, or having a cleaning service. I am so overwhelmed by wanting to do all the things that I enjoy that I don't even know where to start, nor do I know which is the one God meant for me to pursue as a career.

One desire I have had, which can involve several of these dreams in one career, would be working for a place like Hallmark, creating cards. But that is not an option for me. It usually requires having some sort of degree in the field, which is not possible for me because I can't afford to go to a college that offers what I need.

I'm almost sure that I am meant to pursue photography. But sometimes it just seems impossible. Pursuing photography would pretty much mean having my own business. There aren't really any local photography studios for me to work with.

I just don't know what to do!!

Who We Think We Are Not

Some days it seems as though I allow "who I think I'm not" to affect every aspect of my life.

I say . . .

In photography -- "I am not" a good photographer . . .

In writing poetry or other such things -- "I am not" a good writer . . .

In playing my clarinet or singing -- "I am not" a good musician . . .

In just about anything -- "I am not".

Why must I have this kind of outlook on my life? Yes, I will always have room to grow and improve. Yes, there will always be someone who is "better" than me. But why should I let any of that hold me back?

The truth -- I SHOULDN'T ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN!

"It's not who we are that holds us back. It's who we think we're not." ~ Michael Nolan

Discouraged . . .

I find that I get discouraged all too easily. I head for a goal and soon find that I just don't want to do it anymore, or it's just simply . . . too hard.

July 31st 2012, I began a professional photography course through New York Institute of Photography (NYIP). I was so excited to begin and was learning so much just in the first couple units. I was SURE I was where God wanted me. But . . . sadly, the fear has kicked in. I took a little break from the course this holiday season because I was working with UPS as a seasonal helper, which made it nearly impossible to focus on school. In this time I have taken off, I have had plenty of time to think about the idea of me being a photographer. The fact is, it has always scared me, but I was determined to get passed my fears and doubts and make it through the course and become a professional photographer. But the reality of it is that I don't think I'd make a good photographer. I'm terrified of people and struggle to get out my thoughts of how I want them to pose or what I want them to do. Also, I don't get very many creative ideas. I had the opportunity to take pictures for friends this passed fall. I found that when we were out taking pictures my mind would go blank and often times they had to come up with how to stand or sit themselves. That should not be the case for a professional photographer. I see pictures from the local photographers here in town and they are amazing! They are so creative and have such great ideas. A lot of people say I have a great eye for photography, but what about everything else?

It seems I don't have a vision. I never have. Not in photography. Not in life.

From time to time I get an idea of something to do, but eventually the excitement fades and reality hits me. But my question is . . .

Am I really not equipped to become a professional photographer? Or am I simply just a coward who can't stick to anything, running at the first sight of a challenge?

There is only one thing . . . one desire that has NEVER faded or gone away. That desire is to get married . . . be a house wife, and eventually have kids of my own. However, that desire seems so far off from where I am. Taking care of a home is one thing that I feel like I can actually do. Thats what I was raised to do . . . take care of a home. I never prepared myself, however, for the time I wouldn't be able to live out my dream. I'm almost 24 years old and this dream of mine has never come true for me, nor does it seem close. I feel as though I have been wandering around lost and hopeless these past six years, not knowing what I am to do with my life.

Another issue with my desire is that a lot of guys I meet don't want a wife who stays home. They want working, independent women. Women who can help pay the bills. I don't blame them. Its a tough world out there.

Well, I guess I'm gonna have to suck it up and finish what I have started. I'm nearly half way through the course and I feel as though I can't just give up now. I need to be the type of person who can finish what they start. Someone who people know they can depend on. I suppose I'll finish and see where God takes me from there. Maybe I'll get my love for photography back . . .