Penelope and My Life

The other night my dad put on this movie entitled Penelope. I used to love that movie, but I haven't seen it in forever! I always felt like I related to the girl in that film who was named Penelope because of an age-old curse that was put on her family, which was for the first daughter born of that family to be born with the face of a pig! No, I may not have a face of a pig, but I felt that I could relate in the fact that she could not find a suitor . . . they all ran at the sight of her -- and in my case they run when they get to know me and find out how conservative I am . . . all the "rules" I have . . . when they come to find that, in their eyes, I am pretty weird when it comes to relationships.

Penelope's curse could not be broken until one of her own kind would except her as their own, so her family is constantly bringing in groups of guys to meet her to see if one would except her. In one particular scene Penelope is quite discouraged after a whole group of guys flee from her house out of terror -- her mother tries encouraging her . . .

Mother: Penelope, just one man, one man.

Penelope: And he'll run too! They always run. Why can't you except that? For seven years I have been watching them run. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Do you?

Mother: I'm sorry, but we can't just quit.

Penelope: We can, because no matter how much I want to believe that there is one man who won't run away, one man who . . . who . . .

Just as they see a man still standing in the room where she had revealed herself. She hurries back to her spot on the other side of the mirror where he can't see her so that she can ask him if he saw her.

They start to become friends on opposite sides of the glass. Eventually, she reveals herself to him and he just stood there staring at her . . . he didn't run.

Well, I guess I can't relate entirely because she ended up running because she was scared, however, my point is that I would like to find one man who will not run away, one man who would love me enough to accept me the way that I am.

Although I must add that he ran after her, but when she asked him to marry her in order to break the curse he said that he couldn't because he knew something they didn't know . . . he wasn't one of her kind.

Match-maker: Wait, he's still a blue-blood! He can break the curse.

Penelope: Max, I know this face repulses you . . . and I wouldn't, I wouldn't dream of asking you to accept it.

Max: No . . . no . . . no . . .

Penelope: But this isn't me, the real me is inside here somewhere just waiting to come out and you can make it happen, and once the curse is broken I'll be just like anybody else.

Max: What if the curse doesn't get broken? What if the curse can never be broken?

Penelope: Then I'll kill myself. I promise, I promise I will. Marry me, Max. Marry me.

Max: I can't.

Penelope: Get out.

Max: I'm...

Match -maker: Get out! Get out!

By the end of the movie, they get married after it was revealed that he only said he couldn't marry her because he wasn't one of them . . . he didn't have the power to make her happy by breaking the curse.

The very thought that he cared enough about her to try to do what he thought she wanted touches me. He was willing to lose her if that meant she'd be happy.

I am just waiting for that one man who will not run away . . . the one man who would be willing to withstand anything to be with me in the end. Every time I see another man run (figuratively) the opposite direction because they don't like the way that I am saddens me deeply.

In the film Penelope says "I felt the rush of a thousand heartbreaks."

The other night I found that I still like that movie because, even though it's not a true story, it still gives me hope. I can't wait until God brings the right man into my life who will love me forever . . . who will accept me just the way I am.

My Roller Coaster

Ok, so I'm really beginning to feel a little crazy. These past few weeks have been like a roller coaster. I change my mind almost every day about what I want to do in my life right now. I have once more changed my mind . . . I know you're all probably thinking I'm pretty insane, but I have not felt so at peace these past few weeks about what I am doing for my life until last night when I was talking to my mom and discovered my hidden desires and who I really am.

I have been trying to do this course through the New York Institute of photography. I could not wait to begin, but once I enrolled I felt I wasn't doing the right thing. I just kept trying to get somewhere with the course and tried ignoring my feelings of negativity and tried to appear happy and content.

I realized that most of my life I have always wanted to try to do something huge for my life so that I can feel like I'm important . . . when I was little I wanted to be a famous singer, then I moved on to wanting to be a big writer . . . soon after that, I wanted to be a big time photographer with my own business and studio. But I have come to find that I don't need to be well-known in order to be somebody. I am not comfortable with taking pictures of people, I much prefer taking pictures of objects and all of nature around me. To have a studio is just not me.

I have always wanted to be a house wife . . . of course I am not able to go down that road yet, but I would like to keep my hobbies as hobbies and stick to my true dream. I do still want to write a book just to see where I can go with that, but I will not be doing it to "make something of myself" . . . but rather, because I love writing. I still want to be a good photographer and take millions of pictures like usual . . . maybe someday I can become good enough to display them or to take pictures for people that I am comfortable with just because I enjoy it, not for fame or money . . . just simply for the love of it.

So . . . here's my new plan . . . wait for it . . . I have now canceled my photography course. I get to keep what I got so far and owe nothing else from now on. I know the course will always be there, so if I ever feel like that is the path I should take at another time then I can shoot for it. I just feel like it's a whole lot of money to pay for information I don't particularly need (they teach you everything from photographing weddings to sports, nature to glamor . . . just everything). I will finish reading my "Nikon D60 for Dummies" so that I can get more familiar with my camera and know how to use it, then buy a couple books that help you take pictures of nature and other things. I went to CMC today to get my schedule re-printed since I had thrown it away with the intentions of dropping out of them for this semester (I knew there was a reason I hadn't gone to do that yet). When I was on campus, it just felt so right . . . I knew right away that I was doing the right thing. So now there is no going back, NYIP is dropped and I am just about ready to pay for my fall classes. I am so excited!!

Always Changing

Never in my life did I ever imagine that choosing what to do for your life could be so challenging. When I was younger, I would see young adults around me constantly changing their majors and their course of direction. I always wondered why. I thought that once I knew what I wanted to do I would stick with it . . . why would it be any other way? I have been having the hardest time knowing what to do, and I don't really want to say that I know for sure now, because I have learned that the road is not straight before you . . . you have to find your way with direction from God. However, I am now content in which direction I am going in . . . no doubts . . . for now.

I have decided that I am doing the right thing by taking this photography course. It is proving to be challenging, but everything in life that is worth anything will be challenging. But, I have also decided not to drop my writing dream. Before, I said that I didn't want to pursue it the same . . . like being a published writer, but I have come to terms that I still want to publish some day. Yesterday I counted and found that I have at least 41 poems . . . I'd say thats a pretty good start for a book. Of course they need lots of work, but I am prepared for that. I have also always wanted to write a fiction about the Holocaust . . . that piece of history has always captured my heart and mind . . . I could never put my mind around such cruelty. I have recently ordered a few books having to do with the Holocaust so that I can learn as much information about it as possible. In a few years, after much research, I hope to begin writing my book.

I do realize, though, that it can easily change again, but right now I am completely content and excited for I want to do in my life. Thanks to all those who have been such a great encouragement to me and never cease to pray for me!

Jumbled Thoughts

Right now I couldn't be more lost and confused. I was so excited to start this photography course when I first found it, but once I enrolled I felt like I was making the wrong decision. I feel like certain things confirm that too, but who knows. If not photography then what? I had always wanted to be a house wife, but I don't see that happening in the near future. Maybe I am just a little discouraged and am really actually on the right path. As of right now, I just feel lost. I guess time will tell. Some say to live life and make your own mistakes . . . we all have those. But I have always wanted know which direction I was going . . . I don't like feeling like I'm just wandering around aimlessly.

Lately, I have been so down about my appearance . . . I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. It is so strange that when you can't see yourself you don't really realize how much weight you have gained. The other night I was watching old videos from when I was in high school and then when I graduated . . . as well as looking at a load of pictures from when I was younger. I was never really skinny, but I was thin. I found it strange that when I looked back at old memories it was such a happy and sad experience. So much can change in such a small amount of time. It nearly brought me to tears as I sat at the computer reminiscing. I remember being so down about myself when I was younger . . . thinking I was so ugly and fat. Now I would give anything to look the way I used to. I often wonder if God allowed me to gain 60 pounds just to show me how thin I actually was . . . just to show me what it really meant to be fat. I always put it off on the medication I was put on, which is when I started the weight gain . . . but I just don't know anymore . . . it most likely was that, but maybe that wasn't all. I don't think I can ever get back down again, and it saddens me that I don't really have something to show for having gained so much. Many women can say that they have several beautiful children to show for their weight gain and that they wouldn't change a thing . . . but me, all I can say is "I used to be suicidal so I was put on medication . . . the end." I keep on telling myself that if I could be as thin as I used to be I would appreciate it so much more, but no matter how much I keep on wishing and dreaming, I'll never reach that place again. In some ways it has grown me as a person, but in some ways it has made me become bitter. I am having to learn to except myself the way that I am and realize that I am some body no matter what I look like. But sometimes I get so down about it. The other day I went to try on some sun dresses because I needed something casual to wear at VBS. I was so frustrated when nothing would fit right. I told my mom that I wished I was depressed instead of fat . . . deep down inside I know I could not really wish that, but it's hard not to think it.