Who I am and What Others Think of Me

I have spent most of my life measuring myself by what others thought of me . . .

If I wasn't liked by someone . . . "there must be something wrong with me".

If someone disagreed with something I did or said . . .I felt like a horrible person.

If I was loved and accepted by others . . . I felt as though I must be okay.

It was as if I let the thoughts and feelings others had toward me define and "make" me who I was. Obviously, I know that I wasn't what others thought of me, it was just something going on in my mind, but I did let this thought process take over my life. The sad part is that I let the negative feelings rule over anything possitive.

You know . . . I have lived my life like this all the way up until now. I have been miserable. I know what is right. I know that I am who God made me to be . . . I know that HE makes NO mistakes, but somehow I allow the thoughts of other people bring me down.

Lately, I have been having some difficulty with someone who didn't like something I said. Hearts were hurt. Friendships were broken and lost -- shattered into pieces. I couldn't understand it, so once again I let this situation bring me down. I allowed it to, again, "define" who I am. Someone disliked something, so I immediately let these thoughts and feelings that were against me make me feel as though I was a terrible human being.

The truth is . . . I am a child of God. I make mistakes just like everyone else, but these mistakes or misunderstandings DO NOT make me who I am. Who I am in Christ is what defines me.

I have decided that if I want to live life without being miserable half the time, I need to stop measuring myself up to what others think of me. I need to recognize the difference between who I am and what others feel about me.

I just need to focus on the one that matters most . . . God

Just Follow

This past Sunday, pastor preached about following God not matter what. It doesn't matter if we can see where he is going or where he's taking us. Sometimes we have a hard time trusting Him. We want all the wrinkles ironed out and everything set out in front of us . . . then maybe we'll follow him.

I really loved hearing what he had to say on the matter. I feel as though I do not trust God nearly as much as I should. It makes me doubt sometimes. I sometimes doubt that I am truly saved, and wonder how he could be so good to me still. In all reality, I know that I am saved. I know that I have been redeemed. But why can I not trust him with my whole life??

I find myself always thinking about the future and what I'm supposed to do in my life. I want to know every detail. I want to know that I am heading in the right direction and know when and where to turn. I think of all the "wrong turns" I have made in life, and of how I have so often felt so lost because of all the different directions I went in constantly trying to find my way and correct my wrong turns.

How wrong I have been!

Only God can make things good. Only He can make correct the wrongs I have done. Only He can direct my paths and show me the way. I cannot do anything without Him.

That night I was talking with my parents. I was telling them how I feel so horrible that I have changed my mind so many times . . . how I've gone so many different directions thinking God wanted me to go in that certain direction only to find that He didn't really want that path for me -- it was only my short-lived desire. I asked how I'm supposed to know what path God wants for me. Then my mom looked at me and asked "Did you grow and mature from all those experiences?" To which I answered yes. "Then how could they have been wrong? How else are we supposed to grow and learn to trust God?" I never thought about it like that . . . that it was all a growing experience for me. God may or may not have wanted me to go every which way, but He takes everything and uses them to grow us and to teach us to trust Him through everything.

I don't want to feel lost anymore. I want to know and to trust that God knows exactly what he is doing. I just need to follow him whether or not I can see where we are going. Just follow.