Salvation

At the young age of nine I had heard for the first time what Christ had done for all mankind and what  salvation was, and in that moment I had decided I wanted to pray to receive Christ as my Saviour. I had changes in my heart and in my life, but somehow, more recently, I still struggled with doubts that I had truly understood at such a young age. I doubted because I didn't have a brokenness over the fact that I was a sinner and was in need of a Saviour. I heard what my brother wanted to do, asked what it was and said I wanted to do it too. Was I just "following the crowd"? Or did I truly understand what it meant to love God and to follow him . . . allowing him to take complete control over my heart and life.

A few years ago I had heard a preacher speaking about hell and eternal suffering and anguish . . . an eternity void of God. That night I tossed and turned all throughout the night. I was scared. More scared than I ever thought I could be, especially considering I was supposed to be a child of God. What reason had I to fear such things? I so badly wanted to talk to someone about it, but I just put it off.

On October 30, 2011 I was sitting in the Sunday evening service listening to pastor preach about being sons of God. I sat there thinking about all the doubts I had . . . how I doubted whether or not I was a child of God. Tears were beginning to fill my eyes as I sat there in torment. During invitation we sang "What Will You Do With Jesus".

"Jesus is standing in Pilate's hall,
Friendless, forsaken, betrayed by all:
Hearken! what meaneth the sudden call!
'What will you do with Jesus?'

What will you do with Jesus?
Neutral you cannot be;
Someday your heart will be asking,
'What will He do with me?'

Jesus is standing on trial still,
You can be false to Him if you will,
You can faithful thro' good or ill:
What will you do with Jesus?

What will you do with Jesus?

Neutral you cannot be;
Someday your heart will be asking,
'What will He do with me?'

Will you evade him as Pilate tried?
Or will you choose him, what e'er betide?
Vainly you struggle from him to hide:
What will you do with Jesus?

What will you do with Jesus?

Neutral you cannot be;
Someday your heart will be asking,
'What will He do with me?'

Will you like Peter, your Lord deny?
Or will you scorn from His foes to fly,
Daring for Jesus to live or die?
What will you do with Jesus?

What will you do with Jesus?

Neutral you cannot be;
Someday your heart will be asking,
'What will He do with me?'"

I was singing this hymn that I have grown up singing, realizing that I had NEVER listened to the words. Tears started falling down my face as I sung "Neutral you cannot be, Someday your heart will be asking, what will He do with me". What would he do with me? Would he say depart from me, I never knew you when we meet face to face? Or would he welcome me with open arms.

I had an urgency to talk to pastor about what I was feeling. To tell him of my doubts and to ask the questions that had tormented my mind for the past few years. How do you know if you are truly saved? Anyone can "walk the walk" or "talk the talk", but how do you KNOW that it is real? How do you know you truly had gotten saved . . . especially with the fact that the decision to accept Christ as Saviour was so long ago and I was so young . . . I can hardly remember the experience.

That night I sat with pastor in his office and discussed this issue. Neither of us know for sure whether I was truly saved or not, but that night we knelt together and he lead me in prayer to receive Christ as my Saviour. I may never know for sure if I was saved at that young age of nine, but now I know FOR SURE and I can sing the last verse to the beautiful hymn without any doubt or hesitation!

"'Jesus, I give Thee my heart today!
Jesus, I'll follow Thee all the way,
Gladly obeying Thee!' Will you say:
'This will I do with Jesus!'"

Reality

Reality hit me today. The truth was said and it struck me so hard that tears wanted to fall.

I held it in, but I took what was said and am trying to find a solution.

I went to talk to the college counselor today and somewhere in the midst of our conversation she said to me "you know what your problem has always been? You never want to put in the time."

It really opened my eyes to hear someone who hardly knows me tell me something like that. If she can see it, so can everyone else around me. I don't want to be seen like that.

For years I have been searching for the path I am supposed to follow. The direction that screams out to me telling me I'm where I'm supposed to be. I haven't found that yet. I get discouraged and overwhelmed and I give up.

I used to never give up.

I'd try and try and try until I would finally achieve my goal. I knew I struggled with learning, but I used to fight so that I could prove to myself and everyone around me that I am still worth something.

Somewhere down the road I lost that. I lost the ambition for anything and everything. I give up at the first sight of a struggle.

I am done.

I want to know I can start something and really finish it . . . not just say it, but really do it!

I was talking about this very thing with a very good friend of mine. He said something that I really liked. He told me "just remember success is not measured by the size of your goal but it is measured by whether you completed it".

I am in the process of setting up an education plan. Lately, I have only been doing one or two classes at a time using the excuse that I get too overwhelmed. It is overwhelming, but if other people can do it, why can't I?I did it my first semester. What happened?

Right now I am trying to decide whether I want to go for an associates degree or just for a certificate. I think I'm leaning toward going for an associates.

If I can go full-time from now on I should be able to finish in a couple years.

I'm going to study in CIS (Computer Information Systems). I'm really hoping this will be good enough to get me into a job. We'll see.

There have been so many times that I have said I want to do better, I just really hope and pray that this time I can truly turn around my way of thinking.

I want there to be a difference. I want to be reliable and want others to see me and know that I will finish whatever it is I start. I know it's somewhere inside of me just waiting to come back out.

This is definitely going to take a lot of hard work and a lot of prayer, but I'm ready for it.