Thirty Years

Thirty years that I have been on this earth.

Thirty years of struggles and triumphs.

Thirty years of mistakes and lessons learned.

Thirty years of memories.

Thirty years . . . I can hardly believe it. Where did the time go? How did it pass by so quickly without hardly noticing?

I have so many memories . . . playing "pirates" on my grandpas old truck with my big brother and cousin. Cops and robbers . . . and pretending to dance like Michael Jackson. I learned to ride a bike with my dad in a cul-de-sac near our house twenty-four years ago. And passed out from lack of air due to riding against high winds on a bike ride with dad twenty years ago. Almost passed out watching my sister get cactus spikes pulled out of her leg after a bike accident. Got a black eye from missing the catch of a softball. Countless summer BBQ's and days in the sun playing in our backyard pool. Jumping into freezing pool water when the warmer days had just started to hit, but regretting the decision instantly and jumping right back out. Building rubber band propeller boats to see how far we could get it to go across the jacuzzi. Building countless tents and forts out of any and all blankets and sheets we could scrounge up around the house. Fun camping trips and shooting each other with paintball guns in epic battles. Many scraped knees and some broken bones. Dog bites and stitches . . . boy, what fun we had growing up. I had my first big heartbreak thirteen years ago. I graduated high school twelve years ago. Learned to drive eleven years ago. And turned 20 ten years ago.

It's crazy to think that I am no longer in my twenties. When I think back, my twenties seemed so long . . . and yet so fast. How is that possible?

I've been very contemplative lately. I have been thinking a lot about life. About everything I've gone through . . . everything I've endured. I must say, even with everything I have dealt with and been through, I am so very thankful to be alive.

Despite all the stumbling blocks and things I never thought I could overcome, I have grown and learned to adapt. All my life I have struggled with high functioning autism (which didn't get diagnosed until I was in my 20's), depression from a very young age, anxiety thats often times been debilitating, learning disabilities, and chronic pain (not sure I even remember what it's like not to feel pain anymore). On top of all these things, there's all the heartache as well. The heartache that came from the struggles of making (and keeping) friends. The heartache that came from feeling trapped within my own self when the dark of depression hit . . . or even the strong desire to feel like I fit in, but clearly seeing that I didn't. The heartache that came from failed relationships . . . often feeling like something really must be wrong with me . . . often asking, can I ever be loved? The heartache that came from huge decisions I made . . . wishing I would have done things differently. The heartache of losing my precious babies.

So many struggles. So much pain. So much heartache.

But through all of that, I can see my family who never gave up on me and pushed and encouraged me to be the best version of myself that I could possibly be. My family has loved me through all of it . . . been there for me through all of it. We've certainly had our ups and downs, but I know without a doubt that I am who I am today because of them.

And then, there is the love of my life. We met fourteen years ago when he and I were only teenagers, but we were always in and out of each others life . . . until I realized what a gem he was when our paths crossed yet again, and I knew I couldn't let him go. He is without a doubt my ray of sunshine, and I can't imagine my life without him. He has been with me through a lot as well, and has loved me more than I could have ever imagined possible for someone CHOOSING to love me. The patience and adoration he has for me astounds me. I am truly blessed and so very grateful for him.

Through these thirty years, all the struggles, pain, heartache, and decisions I've made have made me stronger. They have grown me and made me into the person that I am.

My life is beautiful. And I wouldn't change a thing. We all have a story, and this one is mine.

Unexpected Miscarriage Aftermath and Pregnancy

Never would I have ever imagined the range of mixed emotions one could have during pregnancy after having previous miscarriages. I had originally thought that once I'd have a pregnancy that was progressing normal and healthy, I'd just be happy . . . fully ecstatic. While I can say that I am definitely happy and grateful for this very wanted pregnancy, I can also tell you, there is a range of difficult and even guilt inducing emotions that have come with it as well.

At the beginning of this pregnancy, I wouldn't allow myself to get too excited yet. I had no idea if this baby would make it and it somehow felt easier to cope with a loss if I didn't get "too attached" yet. I waited for week 8 to approach, since that seems to be the point when everything would usually fall apart. Week 8 came and went, but I still didn't feel much safer. I could feel my heart putting up walls and I never meant for that to happen. I then waited for 12 weeks and then 14 weeks when I knew for sure I had made it to the second trimester. The fear was still not letting up.

Every new week is a milestone getting us closer and closer to the day we will get to hold our little baby boy in our arms. With every new week, there comes a sigh of relief, but the same feeling of waiting to see what happens. When we told everyone we were expecting, there was joy, but also fear. What if something bad happens? We will have to go through the difficult months of letting everyone know we lost our baby . . . again. I found that sometimes news can travel slow and those who were unaware would be popping up for months to unknowingly bring the horrible pain to the surface yet again. I keep thinking to myself, this is a different pregnancy and so far has been a healthy one, why keep worrying? I beat myself up day after day, feeling like I am crazy or a horrible person for feeling this way. I want my baby. I have prayed so long for my baby. Why can't I just be happy?

It still doesn't feel totally real to me. I can feel our sweet baby boy moving daily and it is one of the most amazing feelings ever. I definitely can grasp that he is really there . . . there's just that never ending fearful question of "is he going to live?". It makes me feel horrible that I'm not fully bonding with him now. With my first pregnancy, I felt an instant connection . . . but with each pregnancy after, that instant connection was less and less. I have no doubts that when I finally see his face and hold him close, I will fall in love instantly! I just wish I had that connection now.

My sister helped me find forums online where other expecting mothers who also had prior losses shared their same feelings of what I am going through. It was very eye-opening to see that I am not alone. That I'm not a horrible person for having these struggles, and it's okay to be going through this. The women who had shared these struggles and had already given birth, gave reassurance that baby won't resent us for it and that we will, indeed, bond with our babies as soon as we hold them. Now I will try my best to be a little nicer to myself and just patiently work through all these different emotions as they come.

To my dear baby boy, Rowan, despite all of this, I know that I love you so very deeply and I will spend the rest of my life making sure you know it. I can't wait until you join us here in our little home. We are preparing a room especially for you.