Through the Darkness

Never would I have ever imagined the range of mixed emotions one could have during pregnancy after having previous miscarriages. I had originally thought that once I'd have a pregnancy that was progressing normal and healthy, I'd just be happy . . . fully ecstatic. While I can say that I am definitely happy and grateful for this very wanted pregnancy, I can also tell you, there is a range of difficult and even guilt inducing emotions that have come with it as well. At the beginning of this pregnancy, I wouldn't allow myself to get too excited yet. I had no idea if this baby would make it and it somehow felt easier to cope with a loss if I didn't get "too attached" yet. I waited for week 8 to approach, since that seems to be the point when everything would usually fall apart. Week 8 came and went, but I still didn't feel much safer. I could feel my heart putting up walls and I never meant for that to happen. I then waited for 12 weeks and then 14 week...

As we wind down the year of 2018, I wanted to share my heart and thoughts with you all. These past two years have been something else. Definitely the hardest and most painful. But this year . . . I like to think of it as the year of healing and growing. January of 2017, My husband and I found out we were expecting our first child. We were amazed it finally happened since just months before, I had an ovary removed due to a tumor and we weren't sure how difficult it would be to get pregnant with only one ovary and the fact we already struggled to get pregnant in the first place. So getting this wonderful news felt like a miracle! We were ecstatic! But then just a short while after, at 8 weeks pregnant, I began spotting. Within the next two weeks, it was clear our little one was not going to make it. I can still remember the anguish I felt as our baby left my body. Horrible pain matched with denial and the wish that I could somehow make it stop . . . the harsh realization that it wa...

As the year 2013 comes to a close, I find myself thinking back about everything that the year held for me and my family. So much has changed in such a little time . . . This year, my little sister got married and, in turn, I gained another brother. It took some getting used to the thought of my baby sister getting married . . . I struggled with the idea a bit. After all, she was my baby sister . . . no one was good enough for her . This event took place late September. But you know, this whole thing has grown on me. I feel blessed to now have a brother-in-law . . . one who I know will take care of my little sister. He has shown that of himself already. And I can clearly see he loves her, which is what I have always hoped for my sister and friend. The week after the wedding, my family made a move that I had dreaded for so long. We had to leave the home where I grew up. We had lived there for a little over 17 years. But you know, it really is true when they say "home is ...

For as long as I can remember I have had dreams of grandeur . . . dreams that seem nearly impossible to achieve. When I was a young teenager, I wanted to be a great musician. I play the clarinet and sing. Some tell me I have the voice of an angel and that I play so beautifully. I have never seen this of myself, but that didn't stop me from loving music more than almost anything. I wanted to be a world-renowned musician! Then in my later teens, I still loved music, but I also loved writing. I loved to write poetry and write short stories. I wanted to one day be a published writer . . . one that others would see and admire. But then in my early twenties, I wanted to be a famous professional photographer. I love taking pictures of nature! It is one of the many ways I have to express myself and show others what I see. Not too long after that, I wanted to be a graphic and web-designer. I have so much fun creating things, and it gives me great joy to see others enjoy my work for ...

Some days it seems as though I allow "who I think I'm not" to affect every aspect of my life. I say . . . In photography -- "I am not" a good photographer . . . In writing poetry or other such things -- "I am not" a good writer . . . In playing my clarinet or singing -- "I am not" a good musician . . . In just about anything -- "I am not". Why must I have this kind of outlook on my life? Yes, I will always have room to grow and improve. Yes, there will always be someone who is "better" than me. But why should I let any of that hold me back? The truth -- I SHOULDN'T ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN! "It's not who we are that holds us back. It's who we think we're not." ~ Michael Nolan

I find that I get discouraged all too easily. I head for a goal and soon find that I just don't want to do it anymore, or it's just simply . . . too hard. July 31st 2012, I began a professional photography course through New York Institute of Photography (NYIP). I was so excited to begin and was learning so much just in the first couple units. I was SURE I was where God wanted me. But . . . sadly, the fear has kicked in. I took a little break from the course this holiday season because I was working with UPS as a seasonal helper, which made it nearly impossible to focus on school. In this time I have taken off, I have had plenty of time to think about the idea of me being a photographer. The fact is, it has always scared me, but I was determined to get passed my fears and doubts and make it through the course and become a professional photographer. But the reality of it is that I don't think I'd make a good photographer. I'm terrified of people and struggle to get...