Never would I have ever imagined the range of mixed emotions one could have during pregnancy after having previous miscarriages. I had originally thought that once I'd have a pregnancy that was progressing normal and healthy, I'd just be happy . . . fully ecstatic. While I can say that I am definitely happy and grateful for this very wanted pregnancy, I can also tell you, there is a range of difficult and even guilt inducing emotions that have come with it as well.
At the beginning of this pregnancy, I wouldn't allow myself to get too excited yet. I had no idea if this baby would make it and it somehow felt easier to cope with a loss if I didn't get "too attached" yet. I waited for week 8 to approach, since that seems to be the point when everything would usually fall apart. Week 8 came and went, but I still didn't feel much safer. I could feel my heart putting up walls and I never meant for that to happen. I then waited for 12 weeks and then 14 weeks when I knew for sure I had made it to the second trimester. The fear was still not letting up.
Every new week is a milestone getting us closer and closer to the day we will get to hold our little baby boy in our arms. With every new week, there comes a sigh of relief, but the same feeling of waiting to see what happens. When we told everyone we were expecting, there was joy, but also fear. What if something bad happens? We will have to go through the difficult months of letting everyone know we lost our baby . . . again. I found that sometimes news can travel slow and those who were unaware would be popping up for months to unknowingly bring the horrible pain to the surface yet again. I keep thinking to myself, this is a different pregnancy and so far has been a healthy one, why keep worrying? I beat myself up day after day, feeling like I am crazy or a horrible person for feeling this way. I want my baby. I have prayed so long for my baby. Why can't I just be happy?
It still doesn't feel totally real to me. I can feel our sweet baby boy moving daily and it is one of the most amazing feelings ever. I definitely can grasp that he is really there . . . there's just that never ending fearful question of "is he going to live?". It makes me feel horrible that I'm not fully bonding with him now. With my first pregnancy, I felt an instant connection . . . but with each pregnancy after, that instant connection was less and less. I have no doubts that when I finally see his face and hold him close, I will fall in love instantly! I just wish I had that connection now.
My sister helped me find forums online where other expecting mothers who also had prior losses shared their same feelings of what I am going through. It was very eye-opening to see that I am not alone. That I'm not a horrible person for having these struggles, and it's okay to be going through this. The women who had shared these struggles and had already given birth, gave reassurance that baby won't resent us for it and that we will, indeed, bond with our babies as soon as we hold them. Now I will try my best to be a little nicer to myself and just patiently work through all these different emotions as they come.
To my dear baby boy, Rowan, despite all of this, I know that I love you so very deeply and I will spend the rest of my life making sure you know it. I can't wait until you join us here in our little home. We are preparing a room especially for you.
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