Last night I started reading my journals from years 2003-2007. There are many things about my past that I had somehow forgotten . . . after reading those entries I had in my journals I almost regretted reading them and thought it was best to leave the past hidden, for it is very painful to me to reminisce my past and who I was. In my eyes I was a monster. I have to come to terms that maybe it isn't so bad to remember. As a matter of fact, it is good for me to remember . . . this way I can see the growth and change in my heart and life, and be truly grateful for what the Lord has done in me. For as long as I can remember I have struggled very badly with depression, so much so that I was in danger to myself. I have always dealt with a low self-esteem and had no sense of what is really important in life. I so often missed what I was looking for when it was right there in front of my face all those years. I thank God for the saving grace that He has bestowed upon me.
I will post some entries from my journal just to show where I was and where I am.
". . . I often feel like the world is crumbling into pieces around me. I wish I were never born. Why am I here; why did God choose to make me? Everyone would be better off without me. I'm no body and no one really cares about me . . . anyone that says they do don't really mean it. People only tell me they love me because they feel they have to . . . "
"I have been so depressed these past couple days. I start crying so easily. I was crying the whole way to JPhil this afternoon, or evening should I say. I forced myself to stop crying so I could go in. When I walked in everyone just thought I looked really tired because my eyes were red. During break, Jarrod asked me if I was okay, so I just told him I was fine. When he asked if I was sure I just assured him I WOULD be okay eventually. I so badly wanted to tell him how I felt; at that moment I just wanted to tell someone how I felt to unload, I just felt like I was silenced. My depression has been getting the better of me. I have lost the love for anything I do, even music. I want to just give up on life . I want to die and be gone. I'm nothing, I can never do anything right. I so badly want a friend I can really talk to. I want a friend I can trust . . . someone who will love me for who I am. somehow I don't feel like I could ever have such a friend. I still don't know where I fit in at. I know that my family cares about me, so what's the matter with me! Why am I never satisfied? Maybe I'm just waiting for acceptance from myself. Sometimes I feel like there's no hope for me, like I'll be lost forever in this world . . . I just don't know what to do . . . I just hate life and need serious help. I think that sometimes I am bitter towards God because of the past year . . . why He let me go through so much . . . "
". . . I have been so depressed lately. It's getting really bad, I don't know what I'll do, meaning--to myself. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have control over myself. Right now I'm doing fine, and I do have times like this, you know, being able to smile and stuff. But the Bible does say that "even in laughter the heart can be sorrowful." I don't know what my future will be. My plan had always been to get married right out of high school and be a house wife. But I"m in the 11th grade . . . 17 years old and there is absolutely no one around. I never thought of what I'd do if there was no one around. I can't even go to college because I don't think I would ever make it. I don't learn as quickly and easily as everyone else. I only have one more year of school then I graduate. My future is so unclear. Will God allow me to marry, or will i live a life alone? If I don't end up getting married, what will I do for a living? All these questions with no answers. It's starting to drive me crazy. How am I supposed to get answers? I'm not going to hear a voice come down from Heaven, so then where do the answers come from? Where does anyone get the answer to 'what they're going to do in life'? why must life be so hard? I hate life!"
Well, as you can see I was one messed up girl. I pretty much measured my life and who I was by the friends I had in my life, or the lack thereof. I have always had a wonderful family that has always loved me . . . and yet I chose not to see it or recognize it--therefore, causing me to be miserable. I have GREAT friends. . . especially Ameshia, who has been so wonderful to me and ever so patient. Now-a-days, no one will really know I have depression unless I tell them I do. I would never question God's authority in my life nor question my existence. God has a purpose in my life and I will strive with all my might to achieve it. I never did hear a voice telling me what to do or where to go, but I believe with all my heart that I am right in the place where God wants me. I am satisfied where I am--right here in the arms of God. I am now trying my best to make the very most out of life. I am ashamed and embarrassed of who I was ,but rejoice in who God has made me.
Monique, this is a very deep past. I'm glad everything is alright with you, and that you probably by now have a set goal to wanting to accomplish. Reading this kind of reminds me of me, heh, when I am saddened with what life has to offer, since I am a Christian, I am bitter and angry, I am unsure of my future also. But you know, my sadness gets over with real fast, because God has given me the strength to go on, He is the one who talks and walks with me, He's the one who created me.
ReplyDeleteWhen I am depressed, I start to reason with myself, asking, why is this all happening, and we know to take all of our cares to the Lord, so I even tend to ask God spiritually with prayer in intercession and even talking to Him in my head or verbally. He just answers it with a big DUH! Davin, it's that obvious.
The tears I make, angers I show, the plead I make...God knows, and it'll be a very terrible thing for me, if I were to want to kill myself, and do it, and died, and then show up in God's heaven. Will He say, "well done thou good and faithful servant"? Matthew 25:21 or will He he say, "I am disappointed in you, thou impatient servant, thou seest through the broad way, and not the narrow way..." I remember that narrow is the way, and broad leads to destruction, Matthew 7:13-14.
So, if you know anyone who's struggling with depression, think on who God is, and tell them that they only have this life to please Him. Casting all their doubts to the Lord, and most importantly, since we're down here on earth, seek spiritual leaders advice, don't throng into the world for answers. Talk to your pastor, youth pastor, or Sunday School teachers, or who ever is old in your church that have godly background and loves the Word of God. Take from them and God, they'll help you in your Christian life.
God bless you Monique in all you do.
I too go back and read my past journals and it is always very interesting.
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