Shadows

These past few months -- lets say -- the past 6 months have been a struggle for me. November 28th -- two days after Thanksgiving -- me and my boyfriend broke up. I had never wanted that to happen, but apparently God did...He sent us our separate ways and revealed to me different things about our relationship; however, I still wanted things to work out between us. I have found that I had grown bitter and have slacked off on things of life that I should never had slacked off on...such as school and just everyday duties in the house. I mope around feeling sorry for myself...feeling alone. I have had to sit by and watch him move on and continue on with his life -- all the while I have been dreaming and wishing that everything could be better between us. I find he is the smart one.

Just today I remembered a poem I wrote a couple months ago, and just now does it actually mean something to me. All this time I have been thinking so wrong. I look at what I DON'T have instead of EVERYTHING that I DO have. I am so very blessed and fail to recognize it every day that I am living...if you can even call it living. Now I have truly caused myself to "suffer". I neglected my studies this semester and so now I must pay. I am barely passing a couple of my classes. Like I have mentioned before, I have been humbled and humiliated as I have had to ask for help from professors knowing that all the other students in the class can hear. One day I tried to whisper to my teacher that I was struggling but he just could not hear me...he had to ask me to speak up, so hesitantly I spoke up feeling as though all eyes turned on me. I have decided that this all ends now. Over and over again God shows His face to me and reveals to me just how beautiful life really is, but over and over again I choose to, in a way, ignore it.

First, He showed me His power and mercy by saving a young girls life who had tried to take it herself. It was truly a miracle. After having been [almost] declared dead four times she now lives and is out of the hospital after only two weeks. She was originally going to need a new liver, her organs were shutting down, she was experiencing heart failure, she needed a full dialysis and she couldn't even breathe on her own. This whole experience made me realize how valuable life really is and showed me that I should really appreciate it. I am in complete awe of God's awesome love and power.

Second, God shows His love for me through my family and close friends. No matter what I do they always love me and support me. With family and friends like I have how could I ever ask for more?

God is always showing me that I don't need a guy in my life to be happy. I am a complete person. I have so many dreams and desires and every day I get closer to achieving them. He opens doors for me that I simply have to walk through. I love to sing and play my clarinet and God gives me the opportunity to play and sing at church every week. Today I got to sing in Spanish for our Spanish ministry at church that my daddy preaches for. I felt like I could fly when I was up there singing...I feel so free the moment I start to sing, almost like the whole world around me disappears taking all my pain and heart ache with it. I also love to take photos and desire to become a professional photographer. I get so much practice at it and am now coming to the point where I get to put my work into use and take pictures for other people and/or sell them. What a dream come true! Another desire of mine is to become the best writer I can be. Well, I can write whenever I want...I am attending classes to improve it, but I take it for granted. All these things and I find myself still dissatisfied. Maybe I'm just crazy...

But like I said...I have decided that all this "craziness" ends now.

Surrounded by shadows,

The darkness consumes me --

Frightens me.

It closes in,

Leaving me nowhere to run.

A scream for help

That no one hears...

A scream without sound.

The shadows frighten me

And I squirm.

"Will no one save me?"

I stare longer at the shadows,

Finding them to be shadows of me and my past.

A tear marks my face

As memories flood my mind.

As I try to get away,

The shadows follow close behind.

"Lord! What is it you want me to learn?"

Give me your eyes to see, that I may be free!"

The shadows take form,

Images that reveal my life

And all that has occurred.

I see all those I loved...

All those who hurt me --

Those who broke my heart.

"Why would you remind me of my pain, Lord?

Why would you want me to hurt again?"

I lay in misery

Watering my pillow with my tears.

I see broken dreams and promises --

Things that only hold sadness and anger.

Suddenly, memories of triumph and of love appear.

I see family...my close friends.

All smiling...smiling at me.

I realize -- they were welcoming me --

Welcoming me into their arms of love.

How could have I doubted them?

I see a world a beauty...

A world of sunshine and flowers blooming in the spring.

I feel a warm embrace.

How could I not see?

Many times have I counted my losses,

But how many times have I counted...

My blessings?