Jumbled Thoughts

Right now I couldn't be more lost and confused. I was so excited to start this photography course when I first found it, but once I enrolled I felt like I was making the wrong decision. I feel like certain things confirm that too, but who knows. If not photography then what? I had always wanted to be a house wife, but I don't see that happening in the near future. Maybe I am just a little discouraged and am really actually on the right path. As of right now, I just feel lost. I guess time will tell. Some say to live life and make your own mistakes . . . we all have those. But I have always wanted know which direction I was going . . . I don't like feeling like I'm just wandering around aimlessly.

Lately, I have been so down about my appearance . . . I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. It is so strange that when you can't see yourself you don't really realize how much weight you have gained. The other night I was watching old videos from when I was in high school and then when I graduated . . . as well as looking at a load of pictures from when I was younger. I was never really skinny, but I was thin. I found it strange that when I looked back at old memories it was such a happy and sad experience. So much can change in such a small amount of time. It nearly brought me to tears as I sat at the computer reminiscing. I remember being so down about myself when I was younger . . . thinking I was so ugly and fat. Now I would give anything to look the way I used to. I often wonder if God allowed me to gain 60 pounds just to show me how thin I actually was . . . just to show me what it really meant to be fat. I always put it off on the medication I was put on, which is when I started the weight gain . . . but I just don't know anymore . . . it most likely was that, but maybe that wasn't all. I don't think I can ever get back down again, and it saddens me that I don't really have something to show for having gained so much. Many women can say that they have several beautiful children to show for their weight gain and that they wouldn't change a thing . . . but me, all I can say is "I used to be suicidal so I was put on medication . . . the end." I keep on telling myself that if I could be as thin as I used to be I would appreciate it so much more, but no matter how much I keep on wishing and dreaming, I'll never reach that place again. In some ways it has grown me as a person, but in some ways it has made me become bitter. I am having to learn to except myself the way that I am and realize that I am some body no matter what I look like. But sometimes I get so down about it. The other day I went to try on some sun dresses because I needed something casual to wear at VBS. I was so frustrated when nothing would fit right. I told my mom that I wished I was depressed instead of fat . . . deep down inside I know I could not really wish that, but it's hard not to think it.