A Year of Struggle

Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote a new post. Life has been pretty crazy. This past year has been one of the hardest ever for me. I came to realize that what I wanted to do in life just couldn't happen right now. I have always wanted to get married and be a house wife, but life has not been turning out the way that I had always expected. I am almost twenty-two years old and have had no idea whatsoever what I wanted to do with my life. I have always prepared for the day that I would get married, but I never prepared myself for a life of being alone . . . or the possibility of having to work even if I do get married. So this past year has been a constant struggle as I try to find which direction I should go with my life. Two years ago I started college . . . it wasn't what I wanted at the time, but I really had no choice, so I went for it. I enrolled with an English major because I love to write. I had to start off at the lowest classes they offer due to a learning disability I have struggled with my whole life. After each semester, I became frustrated with the fact that it was going to take many years just to get my associates degree, so I felt like I was just wasting my time. This past summer I decided that I would quit college and do a professional photography course through New York Institute of Photography. I had heard that I could complete it in as little as eight months and photography has always been a big hobby of mine. It was the easy way out for me. I could make something of myself in a short amount of time . . . sounded like a good plan to me. I was so excited! Until . . . I got my supplies and got started. I just didn't have peace about it anymore . . . I felt like I was doing the wrong thing. But how could it be wrong? It just seemed so perfect. It just wasn't God's will for my life, I suppose. I decided to quit the photography course and went back to college. So, this past fall I enrolled in a couple classes. I was pretty pleased with how school was going. I was in a creative writing class, and I was learning a lot about what I love to do. However, along the way I got discouraged, again, at the thought of being there for two years already and knowing it will still take me several years to finish . . . and all for an associates. I decided that I would try another thing that I could complete in the matter of months. I get along really well with the elderly and I really care about people, so I tried getting into a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) program at a nursing home. I took a CPR class and started preparing for the program. Again, I was so excited! The closer I got to it, the less I felt it was the right thing to do. I just didn't feel right about it and I didn't know if I could actually do it. I may care about people, but it would be very difficult to get myself to clean, bathe, and dress them. Deep down inside I had a desire to still complete college, but I struggled still with the thought that I'd be there a long time. I was in torment . . . literally feeling crazy because I kept changing my mind every few months. I just didn't know what to do. I finally came to realize that I have lived most of my life in fear . . . I was afraid of the unknown . . . just life in general. This past Friday, I went to the college to enroll and had the biggest blessing ever! I was about in tears at the power of God . . . He reveals His will to us in ways we could never imagine. I will never doubt again that I am right where God wants me to be. When I enrolled I was told that I only owed the college a dollar. I didn't know how that was possible. The lady told me that my fafsa went through. I had given up on that months ago because they kept saying I had several errors . . . it was just getting too frustrating. Anyways . . . to make a long story short . . . I don't have to pay for this semester and I get a complete refund for this past Fall. If that isn't a sign from God I don't know what is! God is just so good to me! Right now, I no longer feel lost . . . I believe that I am right where God wants me.

By the way . . . I am thinking I might want to be an English teacher once I finish College. :)