There is a constant dream that consumes my nights. A dream of extreme frustration . . . a frustration that seems impossible to overcome. I stand before a high brick wall, which casts heavy shadows, covering the ground. I look up and think of how far I have come in my journey and feel overwhelmed at the obstacle that stands before me. I begin to pound on the wall hoping it will just disappear. I take a step back and push into it, but it does not move an inch. I step back further so as to get a running start, but still have no success. I grab onto a brick that sticks out further than the others and try to find a footing below. I struggle to climb over the tall brick wall, but fall at every attempt. I sit on the floor in tears of frustration and hopelessness. I feel I'll never make it anywhere . . . When I finally wake, I think about how this is exactly how I feel, not just in my dreams, but every day.
All my life I have struggled with learning. I read something and often times can't remember what it was about right when I have finished. With some things it seems that I don't pick anything up at all. Ever since I was a little girl, whenever I learn something new I forget the concept the very next day. I feel like with whatever I do I can only make it so far, until I reach the wall that is impossible to climb no matter how hard I try.
I love music . . . I love to sing and play the clarinet, but after I reached a certain point, I felt that I could not excel any further. I have not gotten any better in years.
With my photography, I feel like I have reached that point. I take better photos, but in my class we are working on our midterm, and I am finding that even though in my mind I kinda know what I am doing, I really actually don't because I can't even put it into words.
I am struggling in my other class as well. It is too much reading to be able to take much, if any, in. No matter how hard I try, I fail. It makes me feel stupid. I feel like I'm beating against that brick wall, and won't ever get anywhere.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
From Boy to Man
Today my brother got married. I'm still having a bit of a hard time taking it in. We grew up together, being best friends for many years . . .
Today, as I stood up there beside him and his bride, while they exchanged vows, I didn't see that little boy I grew up with any more . . . the little boy who for so long was my only friend in the world . . . the little boy who played with action figures and cars, and wanted to fly like batman -- jumping off couches just to see if he could. I didn't see the little boy who I had many fun adventures with, playing cops and robbers, or spies, or even the many "clubs" we started just because we thought it was cool.
Today, I saw a man . . . I saw a man who is truly in love. I saw a man who has grown to be such a wonderful godly person. I love this man. We may not be little kids anymore, but he will always hold that special place in my heart. I love you Rob! Congrats Rob and Beth!!
Today, as I stood up there beside him and his bride, while they exchanged vows, I didn't see that little boy I grew up with any more . . . the little boy who for so long was my only friend in the world . . . the little boy who played with action figures and cars, and wanted to fly like batman -- jumping off couches just to see if he could. I didn't see the little boy who I had many fun adventures with, playing cops and robbers, or spies, or even the many "clubs" we started just because we thought it was cool.
Today, I saw a man . . . I saw a man who is truly in love. I saw a man who has grown to be such a wonderful godly person. I love this man. We may not be little kids anymore, but he will always hold that special place in my heart. I love you Rob! Congrats Rob and Beth!!
Monday, March 14, 2011
A Never Ending Journey to Health
I just want this to be over. For years I have been having a lot of problems with my stomach . . . frequent stomach aches that can last weeks as well horrible pain in my right side. For years, no doctor could find anything wrong with me, then last October they found gallstones, so they removed my gallbladder. I was relieved . . . I thought maybe that would be the end of it. I was wrong. Since March 4th I have been in so much pain. Friday, the 4th, it started with being sore in the area where they operated . . . it kinda felt like the pain I had after my surgery before it was healed up. I thought maybe it was normal to still feel a little pain from time to time since it hasn't been that long since my surgery. So, I went the whole weekend feeling sore. Then I woke up Monday morning feeling very nauseous, and felt that way all day. Every day since then I have had a very bad stomach ache, no nausea, but a loss of appetite. I have hardly eaten anything since. This stomach ache is accompanied by the worse pain I have ever felt in my side . . . but this time it's lower than were my gallbladder used to be. I am also having some pain in my chest and sometimes feel it in my shoulder blades. I went to the doctor today and they had me get blood work done . . . they are checking out my liver, and they said it is very possible that I might have stones in the duct where my gallbladder used to be. I hope they find out what's going on soon, because this is just miserable.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Japan
I just wanted to write a post to say that my prayers are with Japan. It is so sad what is happening over there . . . it breaks my heart to see the damage in the pictures and videos. I can't even imagine the fright that all the people in Japan are experiencing. So many deaths and it seems the numbers just keep rising. I wish there was something I could do to at least comfort them, so I will do the only thing that I can do -- pray.
John 14:16 ~ And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever.
Psalm 9:9 ~ The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
John 14:16 ~ And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever.
Psalm 9:9 ~ The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Faithfulness of God
A month or so ago pastor preached a sermon about the faithfulness of God. It was so encouraging to me, so I wanted to post my notes here.
1 Corinthians 10:13
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
Our faith is rooted in a faithful God. He always keeps his word.
"I can resist anything but temptation." -- Oscar Wilde
Temptation pays a visit to us every day and there is always that struggle to resist it.
"No man knows how bad he really is until he tries to be good." -- C.S Lewis
In and of ourselves we cannot resist temptation, so we learn how bad we are . . . and we see how greatly we are in need of God's grace. Temptation always makes a promise to give something that will never really ever be fulfilled satisfactorily. Satan tempts us the same way he tempted Jesus -- the record is in Matthew 4. While Jesus was in the wilderness he was tempted of the devil. From the beginning it seems there has been a battle raging for the souls of men. And if your soul belongs to Jesus then you will face temptation.
It is not a sin to be tempted. Some people feel guilt often because they are tempted all the time. In Hebrews 2:18 we are told that Jesus was tempted like as we are, yet without sin. His temptation was just as real as what we face daily. No temptation hath taken you but such as is common to man -- you are not alone. Whatever temptations we face men have faced before us. Even though some of the people we face walk in with a smile and are happy they are often facing the same things too. But Jesus gives joy, and he gives victory. We are not to be characterized by our defeats, we are to be characterized by Jesus' victories -- we are to be characterized by what he is in our lives. Temptation is a common experience in every Christians life . . . you will never stop being tempted no matter how "mature" you are as a Christian.
God will never put you in a situation where you have to sin. He knows how much we can handle and will not tempt us above what we are able to withstand. Sometimes we feel that the only way out is to sin, but that is not the case. The pressure may be enormous but God always provides a way to escape. Some people slide slowly into something and they feel so stuck in it that they think there is no way out. God's way out may not necessarily remove you from the temptation permanently, but he will put you in a position to endure it with grace. Sometimes we will be tempted over and over again, and each time God promises to give us what we need to resist successfully.
As we walk with the Lord we will discover that there is someone who absolutely desires to ruin our walk, ruin our testimony -- ruin our lives. We will find ourselves sorely pressed by the devil, but God is faithful. There is always a way out. Temptation properly resisted prepares us to do greater things for God. Temptation often comes when we least expect it to. Trust the Lord . . . He is faithful.
1 Corinthians 10:13
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
Our faith is rooted in a faithful God. He always keeps his word.
"I can resist anything but temptation." -- Oscar Wilde
Temptation pays a visit to us every day and there is always that struggle to resist it.
"No man knows how bad he really is until he tries to be good." -- C.S Lewis
In and of ourselves we cannot resist temptation, so we learn how bad we are . . . and we see how greatly we are in need of God's grace. Temptation always makes a promise to give something that will never really ever be fulfilled satisfactorily. Satan tempts us the same way he tempted Jesus -- the record is in Matthew 4. While Jesus was in the wilderness he was tempted of the devil. From the beginning it seems there has been a battle raging for the souls of men. And if your soul belongs to Jesus then you will face temptation.
It is not a sin to be tempted. Some people feel guilt often because they are tempted all the time. In Hebrews 2:18 we are told that Jesus was tempted like as we are, yet without sin. His temptation was just as real as what we face daily. No temptation hath taken you but such as is common to man -- you are not alone. Whatever temptations we face men have faced before us. Even though some of the people we face walk in with a smile and are happy they are often facing the same things too. But Jesus gives joy, and he gives victory. We are not to be characterized by our defeats, we are to be characterized by Jesus' victories -- we are to be characterized by what he is in our lives. Temptation is a common experience in every Christians life . . . you will never stop being tempted no matter how "mature" you are as a Christian.
God will never put you in a situation where you have to sin. He knows how much we can handle and will not tempt us above what we are able to withstand. Sometimes we feel that the only way out is to sin, but that is not the case. The pressure may be enormous but God always provides a way to escape. Some people slide slowly into something and they feel so stuck in it that they think there is no way out. God's way out may not necessarily remove you from the temptation permanently, but he will put you in a position to endure it with grace. Sometimes we will be tempted over and over again, and each time God promises to give us what we need to resist successfully.
As we walk with the Lord we will discover that there is someone who absolutely desires to ruin our walk, ruin our testimony -- ruin our lives. We will find ourselves sorely pressed by the devil, but God is faithful. There is always a way out. Temptation properly resisted prepares us to do greater things for God. Temptation often comes when we least expect it to. Trust the Lord . . . He is faithful.
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