Frustration

There is a constant dream that consumes my nights. A dream of extreme frustration . . . a frustration that seems impossible to overcome. I stand before a high brick wall, which casts heavy shadows, covering the ground. I look up and think of how far I have come in my journey and feel overwhelmed at the obstacle that stands before me. I begin to pound on the wall hoping it will just disappear. I take a step back and push into it, but it does not move an inch. I step back further so as to get a running start, but still have no success. I grab onto a brick that sticks out further than the others and try to find a footing below. I struggle to climb over the tall brick wall, but fall at every attempt. I sit on the floor in tears of frustration and hopelessness. I feel I'll never make it anywhere . . . When I finally wake, I think about how this is exactly how I feel, not just in my dreams, but every day.

All my life I have struggled with learning. I read something and often times can't remember what it was about right when I have finished. With some things it seems that I don't pick anything up at all. Ever since I was a little girl, whenever I learn something new I forget the concept the very next day. I feel like with whatever I do I can only make it so far, until I reach the wall that is impossible to climb no matter how hard I try.

I love music . . . I love to sing and play the clarinet, but after I reached a certain point, I felt that I could not excel any further. I have not gotten any better in years.

With my photography, I feel like I have reached that point. I take better photos, but in my class we are working on our midterm, and I am finding that even though in my mind I kinda know what I am doing, I really actually don't because I can't even put it into words.

I am struggling in my other class as well. It is too much reading to be able to take much, if any, in. No matter how hard I try, I fail. It makes me feel stupid. I feel like I'm beating against that brick wall, and won't ever get anywhere.