All my life I have been insecure in who I am. In my mind I was never good enough for anything. I didn't think I deserved to have friends or to be loved by anyone.
As a teenager, I wanted to feel accepted. I couldn't accept myself, so I wanted to find acceptance from someone else . . . then maybe I'd be alright and could finally be happy with who I am. I didn't have many friends as I was growing up, which made me feel even less of a decent person.
As I transitioned from girl to woman, I soon discovered that my thought process was all wrong. I didn't need to be accepted. I needed to trust in God. I needed to realize that God makes no mistakes . . . not even when He made me. When I wouldn't accept who I was, I was not accepting the amazing love and power of God.
Someone once asked me if when I see a tree or a flower do I think it's perfect. I answered with an enthusiastic “yes!”. He then asked me why. I thought for a moment and answered “because God made it . . . and he made them so beautifully”. He looked at me with a smile on his face. At that moment I realized that God makes all things beautiful.
I still struggled often.
I have been getting convicted a lot lately. I have been reading in my Bible about how that we are supposed to give God all the glory in everything. When I felt like I wasn't good enough . . . the truth is . . . I wasn't good enough. If I had been prideful and thought I was great, I could easily try to take in all the glory, when it truly belongs to God. We are never good enough on our own. I needed to humble myself before God, and trust what he is doing in my life.
God has blessed me so much throughout my life. From the very beginning when He brought me into a wonderful, loving, caring family . . . who has loved and accepted me from the very first day. I never could see all the many blessings God has given me . . . or maybe I just took them for granted.
Now I am learning to completely lean on God . . . keeping in mind that I am nothing without Him. He has made me who I am, and He has saved my soul and made me complete.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Spending Time With God
This evening my family and I went to Barnes and Noble to find a good devotional to use each morning. I have a strong desire to spend time with God each day, but I never know where to start.
We looked through so many different devotionals from various different authors. I was saddened by some that I came across. There was one that read "one minute devotions to begin each day". Has the world become so busy that we can only give God one minute of our time a day? I believe that no matter how busy a child of God is, that they should make time to sit down and really spend time in prayer and in His word. I, myself, am guilty of not giving much time to spend with God.
In Psalm 42 verses 1 and 2, it says: As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. My sould thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God.
How many believers thirst after God like that, or desire to have a close relationship with him? How many of God's children actually take time to spend with Him so they can truly know Him and have a relationship with Him?
As I was going through all those devotionals, I was thinking a lot about myself and my relationship with the Lord. In the past thirteen years, since I got saved, how much have I really done for God? How much time have I actually spent getting to know MY Saviour? In the business of the day it is so easy to put other things before the Lord. We get tied up in work or in school . . . housework, and other daily chores or errands. I realize, though, that it is so important to spend time in God's word. The more time we spend with God, the closer our relationship with Him gets, the more we become like Him, and the stronger we are in Him.
Psalm 1:1-3 ~ Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.
And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.
Joshua 1:8 ~ This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.
My prayer is that I can do more for Christ and be more like him. I know I will never be perfect, but I can do my best and strive for it. I want the enthusiasm and extreme joy that a new-born believer has! It has been so long since I got saved, and I was pretty young, so I'm not sure about having had that kind of zeal for Christ . . . I may not have -- who knows . . . but one thing for sure is . . . I want that passion now!
Psalm 119:97-105 ~ O how love I thy law! it is my meditation all the day.
Thou through thy commandments hast made me wiser than mine enemies: for they are ever with me.
I have more understanding than all my teachers: for thy testimonies are my meditation.
I understand more than the ancients, because I keep thy precepts.
I have refrained my feet from every evil way, that I might keep thy word.
I have not departed from thy judgments: for thou hast taught me.
How sweet are thy words unto my taste! yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth!
Through thy precepts I get understanding: therefore I hate every false way.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
We looked through so many different devotionals from various different authors. I was saddened by some that I came across. There was one that read "one minute devotions to begin each day". Has the world become so busy that we can only give God one minute of our time a day? I believe that no matter how busy a child of God is, that they should make time to sit down and really spend time in prayer and in His word. I, myself, am guilty of not giving much time to spend with God.
In Psalm 42 verses 1 and 2, it says: As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. My sould thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God.
How many believers thirst after God like that, or desire to have a close relationship with him? How many of God's children actually take time to spend with Him so they can truly know Him and have a relationship with Him?
As I was going through all those devotionals, I was thinking a lot about myself and my relationship with the Lord. In the past thirteen years, since I got saved, how much have I really done for God? How much time have I actually spent getting to know MY Saviour? In the business of the day it is so easy to put other things before the Lord. We get tied up in work or in school . . . housework, and other daily chores or errands. I realize, though, that it is so important to spend time in God's word. The more time we spend with God, the closer our relationship with Him gets, the more we become like Him, and the stronger we are in Him.
Psalm 1:1-3 ~ Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.
And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.
Joshua 1:8 ~ This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.
My prayer is that I can do more for Christ and be more like him. I know I will never be perfect, but I can do my best and strive for it. I want the enthusiasm and extreme joy that a new-born believer has! It has been so long since I got saved, and I was pretty young, so I'm not sure about having had that kind of zeal for Christ . . . I may not have -- who knows . . . but one thing for sure is . . . I want that passion now!
Psalm 119:97-105 ~ O how love I thy law! it is my meditation all the day.
Thou through thy commandments hast made me wiser than mine enemies: for they are ever with me.
I have more understanding than all my teachers: for thy testimonies are my meditation.
I understand more than the ancients, because I keep thy precepts.
I have refrained my feet from every evil way, that I might keep thy word.
I have not departed from thy judgments: for thou hast taught me.
How sweet are thy words unto my taste! yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth!
Through thy precepts I get understanding: therefore I hate every false way.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Lost Reality
To see a smile on my mother's face once more --
To hear her joyous laughter.
Oh how it hurts me so deep within.
One moment she is laughing,
Only to fade again into the darkness.
Her face so pale . . . her eyes so sad.
I can hardly bear it.
She's lost in another world --
A lost reality.
A place lost deep inside her mind.
It's all too familiar to me as well,
But it is a place I cannot reach her.
It holds nothing but darkness and fear.
I feel as though I've lost her.
I have never felt so alone.
Oh, Lord! Bring my mother back to me!
Make her whole again.
Bring her back to me . . .
Five years ago my mommy started slipping into a deep depression. In only a year she was totally lost to a nervous breakdown. The above was written when she was at her worst. I wrote it to express what I was feeling at the time. I felt helpless as I watched my mother slip deeper and deeper into depression. I, too, struggle with depression. I never got as severe as my momma did, but I could relate easily to the world my mom lived in, locked up deep in the mind. I wished that I could somehow help her out of the darkness, but I knew only God could do that. She stayed in bed most her days . . . either sleeping or crying under her covers. Whenever daddy could get her out of bed, she would sit on the couch staring off at nothing at all. I have been lead to believe that seeing my mother like this -- all the fear and loneliness that I felt without having her truly there and responsive took me further into depression. I was so afraid that my family was going to fall apart before my eyes. I was afraid that I would never have my momma back. She is my best friend. I didn't know what I'd do without her. She gradually became more responsive, but still was not herself.
Five years of so much distress and constant worrying. Five years of missing my mother. Now . . . I am very happy to say that I finally have my mother back! The Lord has opened all the right doors and has allowed the doctor to find a solution that has now made her whole again. The Lord has answered my daily prayer! It was not at all the timing I was hoping for, but I can say that even though I never understood why my family had to endure so much, the Lord's timing is ALWAYS perfect! While going through this storm I feared for my family, but I am amazed and truly thankful that we came out even stronger than we ever were as a family. God used this situation to tighten the bond between all of us . . . and even to strengthen the relationship we have with Him.
Isaiah 55:8-11 ~ For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.
Isaiah 40:28-31 ~ Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.
He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Romans 8:28 ~ And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
True Heroes
August 1, 2011 another soldier went home to be with the Lord. He (Leon Lucas) and his family had attended the same church as me for a while, and he recently was deployed to Afghanistan where he gave everything for his country. I cried when I heard of his passing.
So often I forget whats going on in the world. I felt ashamed that I don't pay more attention to what's really going on. I see in the news occasionally that another soldier or two were killed in action. It never really seems real to me until it's someone I know. It's been so long that our troops have been overseas that it seems not that many people notice what is still happening over there.
The Lucas family has been in my thoughts and prayers ever since I heard of Leon's sacrifice. The night of his death I could not sleep. I kept thinking about his family -- his wife, his two sons, and the other one soon on the way. I kept thinking about what they must be feeling, but I couldn't even imagine, I could only try. I didn't know them very well, but I always saw them as a sweet, godly family.
Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to write. As a bunch of jumbled thoughts raced through my mind, I did my best to write it out. I wrote with two men in particular in mind. Leon Lucas . . . and Timothy Watkins. I still remember the night (October 15, 2005) when my family got a call late at night from our pastor. The night he told us his son, Timothy Watkins, was killed in action. We all shed tears that night, and no one slept much at all. I have never forgotten the sacrifice he made.
I wanted to share what I wrote that night . . .
The Soldier
A family sits at home praying for a safe return. They look forward to each call they can receive from him, and fear the one that will break their heart. A mother sits anxiously, praying her son will be okay. A wife lies alone at night wishing he was right there beside her. A child calls “Daddy!” in the dark of the night, having woken from a bad dream. A mother fears her baby may never meet their daddy.
He sits in the heat of the sun, while thoughts of his family fill his mind. He wants nothing more than to be with his loved ones, and dreams of the day he will see them again. He hasn't seen them in months, but knows his duty is to protect his country. Day after day he fights to give us freedom. Always alert of his surroundings, never knowing when his last breath will be . . . or if he will even see tomorrow.
So many of these men have given everything . . . These soldiers – these heroes. Everyday another fallen soldier is mourned over. Everyday a family dreams of the day they will see him again in Heaven. May we remember these men always – these soldiers . . . these true heroes.
America's Hero
They are dreaming of the day they will see him again.
No one could have known today would be the end.
He gave everything to protect his country –
To keep America free.
I wish for all the world to see . . .
These men who gave their lives are heroes,
So is the family who suffers such great woes.
You never get something for nothing . . .
Freedom is never free.
It is said of America to be
“The home of the free and the land of the brave.”
What do you tell the family who stands before a grave?
There are no words to ease their pain –
Nothing to fill the void in their lives where their loved one once was.
America truly is the land of the brave . . .
With all the love, support, and sacrifice of each soldier's family,
And all that these men gave –
The bravery is displayed for all to see.
So many people have their own heroes. They have their favorite artist . . . their favorite actor/actress, or favorite athlete who they idolize or say are their heroes. But what have they really done to make them a hero? Sure, they may sing pretty or cool . . . they may be the best actor/actress of the year, or be able to score a touchdown, but what have they really done to deserve the title "hero"?
To me a hero is someone who willingly gives of him/herself for others. I don't only think that the fallen soldiers are true heroes, but also the men and women who join the military knowing the risks and still continue on.
In the dictionary a hero is . . .
"Any man noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose; especially, one who has risked or sacrificed his life."
Thinking on all these things brings Christ to mind. He is a true hero. The ultimate hero. He sacrificed his life willingly to save all mankind. He lived his life knowing that he would die for the world . . . for the people who put him on the cross to suffer and die. He took on all the sins of the world, so that we can have eternal life in Him. If you don't know Christ personally, I would encourage you to do so. You never know when your last breath will be.
May we always remember these true heroes and their families.
So often I forget whats going on in the world. I felt ashamed that I don't pay more attention to what's really going on. I see in the news occasionally that another soldier or two were killed in action. It never really seems real to me until it's someone I know. It's been so long that our troops have been overseas that it seems not that many people notice what is still happening over there.
The Lucas family has been in my thoughts and prayers ever since I heard of Leon's sacrifice. The night of his death I could not sleep. I kept thinking about his family -- his wife, his two sons, and the other one soon on the way. I kept thinking about what they must be feeling, but I couldn't even imagine, I could only try. I didn't know them very well, but I always saw them as a sweet, godly family.
Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to write. As a bunch of jumbled thoughts raced through my mind, I did my best to write it out. I wrote with two men in particular in mind. Leon Lucas . . . and Timothy Watkins. I still remember the night (October 15, 2005) when my family got a call late at night from our pastor. The night he told us his son, Timothy Watkins, was killed in action. We all shed tears that night, and no one slept much at all. I have never forgotten the sacrifice he made.
I wanted to share what I wrote that night . . .
The Soldier
A family sits at home praying for a safe return. They look forward to each call they can receive from him, and fear the one that will break their heart. A mother sits anxiously, praying her son will be okay. A wife lies alone at night wishing he was right there beside her. A child calls “Daddy!” in the dark of the night, having woken from a bad dream. A mother fears her baby may never meet their daddy.
He sits in the heat of the sun, while thoughts of his family fill his mind. He wants nothing more than to be with his loved ones, and dreams of the day he will see them again. He hasn't seen them in months, but knows his duty is to protect his country. Day after day he fights to give us freedom. Always alert of his surroundings, never knowing when his last breath will be . . . or if he will even see tomorrow.
So many of these men have given everything . . . These soldiers – these heroes. Everyday another fallen soldier is mourned over. Everyday a family dreams of the day they will see him again in Heaven. May we remember these men always – these soldiers . . . these true heroes.
America's Hero
They are dreaming of the day they will see him again.
No one could have known today would be the end.
He gave everything to protect his country –
To keep America free.
I wish for all the world to see . . .
These men who gave their lives are heroes,
So is the family who suffers such great woes.
You never get something for nothing . . .
Freedom is never free.
It is said of America to be
“The home of the free and the land of the brave.”
What do you tell the family who stands before a grave?
There are no words to ease their pain –
Nothing to fill the void in their lives where their loved one once was.
America truly is the land of the brave . . .
With all the love, support, and sacrifice of each soldier's family,
And all that these men gave –
The bravery is displayed for all to see.
So many people have their own heroes. They have their favorite artist . . . their favorite actor/actress, or favorite athlete who they idolize or say are their heroes. But what have they really done to make them a hero? Sure, they may sing pretty or cool . . . they may be the best actor/actress of the year, or be able to score a touchdown, but what have they really done to deserve the title "hero"?
To me a hero is someone who willingly gives of him/herself for others. I don't only think that the fallen soldiers are true heroes, but also the men and women who join the military knowing the risks and still continue on.
In the dictionary a hero is . . .
"Any man noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose; especially, one who has risked or sacrificed his life."
Thinking on all these things brings Christ to mind. He is a true hero. The ultimate hero. He sacrificed his life willingly to save all mankind. He lived his life knowing that he would die for the world . . . for the people who put him on the cross to suffer and die. He took on all the sins of the world, so that we can have eternal life in Him. If you don't know Christ personally, I would encourage you to do so. You never know when your last breath will be.
May we always remember these true heroes and their families.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)