Discouraged . . .

I find that I get discouraged all too easily. I head for a goal and soon find that I just don't want to do it anymore, or it's just simply . . . too hard.

July 31st 2012, I began a professional photography course through New York Institute of Photography (NYIP). I was so excited to begin and was learning so much just in the first couple units. I was SURE I was where God wanted me. But . . . sadly, the fear has kicked in. I took a little break from the course this holiday season because I was working with UPS as a seasonal helper, which made it nearly impossible to focus on school. In this time I have taken off, I have had plenty of time to think about the idea of me being a photographer. The fact is, it has always scared me, but I was determined to get passed my fears and doubts and make it through the course and become a professional photographer. But the reality of it is that I don't think I'd make a good photographer. I'm terrified of people and struggle to get out my thoughts of how I want them to pose or what I want them to do. Also, I don't get very many creative ideas. I had the opportunity to take pictures for friends this passed fall. I found that when we were out taking pictures my mind would go blank and often times they had to come up with how to stand or sit themselves. That should not be the case for a professional photographer. I see pictures from the local photographers here in town and they are amazing! They are so creative and have such great ideas. A lot of people say I have a great eye for photography, but what about everything else?

It seems I don't have a vision. I never have. Not in photography. Not in life.

From time to time I get an idea of something to do, but eventually the excitement fades and reality hits me. But my question is . . .

Am I really not equipped to become a professional photographer? Or am I simply just a coward who can't stick to anything, running at the first sight of a challenge?

There is only one thing . . . one desire that has NEVER faded or gone away. That desire is to get married . . . be a house wife, and eventually have kids of my own. However, that desire seems so far off from where I am. Taking care of a home is one thing that I feel like I can actually do. Thats what I was raised to do . . . take care of a home. I never prepared myself, however, for the time I wouldn't be able to live out my dream. I'm almost 24 years old and this dream of mine has never come true for me, nor does it seem close. I feel as though I have been wandering around lost and hopeless these past six years, not knowing what I am to do with my life.

Another issue with my desire is that a lot of guys I meet don't want a wife who stays home. They want working, independent women. Women who can help pay the bills. I don't blame them. Its a tough world out there.

Well, I guess I'm gonna have to suck it up and finish what I have started. I'm nearly half way through the course and I feel as though I can't just give up now. I need to be the type of person who can finish what they start. Someone who people know they can depend on. I suppose I'll finish and see where God takes me from there. Maybe I'll get my love for photography back . . .

A Bunny's Dream

I never ended up posting my final project from this past semester. So . . . here it is!

Only God . . .

Only God knows what you need right when you need it.

Only God knows your future . . . He knows whats going to happen before it happens.

Only God can truly comfort your soul.

Only God can give you true joy.

Only God can make you into the person you are meant to be.

These past couple months I have been going through something. Something that I have found to be difficult, yet life changing. I have learned a lot just in these couple of months.

All my life I have relied on my friends and all the people around me for joy. I looked to them for acceptance, since I couldn't accept myself. If someone doesn't like me or doesn't get along with me very well, I take it in and make it personal. If someone isn't paying as much attention to me as I thought they should, I take it personal. If things get rough with a friend, and it seems that there is no more hope for the friendship, I let it affect me in a way that I shouldn't. I let it take over my countenance . . . my joy . . . my life.

Over the years I have lost many friends, and in living this way, I made it nearly impossible for me to be happy.

I have lived selfishly.

I never trusted in God like I should, and never allowed Him to be the God over my life. I thought I did. But I didn't. I found that out recently.

The other day, my little brother came back from a youth conference. My mom asked him if he learned anything or took anything from any of the sermons.

He then went on to tell her what he learned. And right in the beginning, he got my attention. God knew what I needed, right when I needed it.

One preacher preached about needing to do things on purpose. Everything we do is a choice.

And we must choose to love God on purpose . . .

Serve God on purpose . . .

Live our life in a godly manner on purpose . . .

I can't remember everything he said. I just paraphrased . . . so even that may be incorrect. But my point is, that everything I do or have done, I choose to do. No one made me act selfishly, or made me rely on people rather than God. No one made me to live my life the way I have lived it. It has all been my decision.

And now . . .

I must choose to trust in our great God.

I must choose to get all my joy and comfort from Him.

I must choose to look to Him for acceptance. (He already has been teaching me how to accept the person he has made me to be. There is always room for growth, though, right? :))

In these hard times that I face . . . I must CHOOSE to be happy. I must CHOOSE not to allow it to rule over my life. And I must CHOOSE to trust that God knows whats best for me and that He will never do me wrong.

Psalm 73:26 ~My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

Romans 8:28 ~And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Finding who I am

I just stepped outside this evening. It is absolutely beautiful out.

As I stare up in the deep dark sky and see the multitude of shining stars, I seem to get lost in the depth of my thoughts.

The wind is blowing all around me. It's as though it's saying "come away with me".

Tears fill my eyes as I sit here and marvel at what the Lord has created . . . I can't help it. It just amazes me when I see the works of His mighty hand, and it causes me to wonder how I can ever possibly doubt him. Why can't I just trust him?

Sometimes I miss the days of being a child, when everything seemed so simple. Not a worry to trouble my young heart.

I often find the transition into adulthood difficult. 

It is taking years to find who I am.

I seem to get lost with each turn I take. I can never seem to keep to one thing. I wander around without knowing where I'm going. 

When will I find my way?

My dreams seem so far off, which causes me to wonder if my heart is in the wrong place. 

I seem to fail at every attempt to find where I belong.

What I want out of life just seems out of the question. What would God have me to do? Does he want me to follow my dreams? Or does he have something better in mind for me? How am I supposed to know?

So many thoughts rush through my mind, troubling my weary head. If only life decisions weren't so complicated.

Maybe this is my chance to finally learn to trust in God.

Is this what he has been trying to do all along?

The Ending of A Perfect Semester

Today was my last day of the semester. Finals are finally all complete!

I believe this semester to have been the hardest semester I have faced yet in the past three years I have been attending college. Although, I am very happy to say that it was the best ever at the same time!!!!

I made it all the way through without dropping a single class, which I seemed to have been in a bad habit of doing. And I was able to keep up with the classes well enough. It was such a challenge, but when I look back on this whole semester, it may have been a huge challenge for me, but it was also a joy to learn everything that I did and it was a big maturing time for me. I was able to get past my fears and get past my learning disability, which I had let rule over my life most of the time. I still struggled with learning in a few areas, of course. However, I didn't allow myself to be pulled down to the level where I let my struggles get the better of me.

To overcome is such a great victory! This is why I say . . . it was a perfect semester!!

I am so very grateful for the Lord giving me such wonderful family and friends . . . they always seem to encourage me through the difficult times. Thanks to my brother and awesome friend who helped me get passed some of the obstacles I came across while working with those different programs. :)

I am SO excited to continue on and see where I can make it!

Finding My Way

For as long as I can remember, I have been searching for which path I am supposed to follow in life. Confusions and questions always filled my mind.

What do I study in school? 

What type of career should I aim for?

Do I try to get a job now? (Even though I fail at every attempt.)

What if I never get married? What do I do with my life then? Do I live with my parents forever?!

I'm not getting any younger!!

How am I supposed to know what to do or where to go?

All this made me feel lost and scared . . . maybe even a little crazy. I was always changing my major and was constantly searching for different jobs. Although, I could not find anything. Even the fast-food jobs didn't want me . . . I just don't have enough experience. I was just never happy with where I was at in life. I had no sense of peace in each direction I began to take. One path led to another path . . . and sometimes it seemed as though they went around in circles. 

I was often so lost and confused that I felt as though I was a frightened child trapped in a woman's body . . . if that even makes any sense at all.

I often wrote about all this here in my blog. How I felt like I was wandering around aimlessly without any sense of direction.

I must say, though, that even though I am still unsure about most of those questions, I am extremely happy with where I am in my life right now.

I have never had so much peace about what I was studying in school. I am taking three classes and have made it through more than half the semester and am still excited about school and learning. I'm even looking forward to next semester already!! I signed up for a summer class, which I have always said I would NEVER do!

I know that even though I can't get a job right now, I am still working my way there. I think it is very important to focus more on classes right now anyway.

I am learning a lot with computers right now. I don't know exactly what I will do with all this when I'm through with getting my associates degree, but I'm sure I can use all this for something great.

I believe that I may never know exactly where to go. I won't know what to do all the time or know what path leads where. But if I take it all one step at a time, with the Lord by my side, I will eventually make it to the finish line.

I am so thankful for my family and my close friends who have been here for me through all this. They have been so encouraging and patient with me as I try to find my way.

Work in Progress

Here is a new project I am working on. In May, there will be a multimedia contest at the local Jr. college. I once had entered the same contest with my photography, but I have been hoping to enter again . . . but this time with some of the new stuff I have been learning. I have been trying to come up with ideas, but so far, this is all I can get. Still trying to come up with something clever.

Late Nights

This. Is my night. Who knows when I'll get to go to sleep, but I have my cup of coffee to accompany me with my long list of assignments I have fallen behind on, my computer, and my textbook. Oooookay, I'm ready!

Two weeks ago I went to my fourth week of class for Adobe Flash. I was assigned several projects for homework, but unfortunately, when we went that very same day to see my grandparents (my grandpa had been battling cancer and we knew he only had a little bit of time left) we found he had taken a turn for the worst and it was only a matter of days until he went home to be with the Lord. Those were some of the hardest days of my life . . . watching my grandfather dying. He was incoherent most of the time, aside from a short time we had with him that first night. The days and nights were filled with the sound of moans and groans coming from my grandpa. The whole family struggled to fight away the tears as we sat by his bedside completely helpless. Two days later, February 5th, he died. My mind could not stay focused no matter how hard I tried, and my school stuff suffered from this greatly. I did not do the homework for that week . . . I was too overcome with grief. Then I missed a class to be able to be with my family the day before his funeral service to prepare. That only added on to the one week of homework I already had . . . now I also had class work to do on my own in order to keep up with the class and the homework assigned for that week. I am now doing my best to catch up. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I know it is not impossible. My class is in the morning, lets see how much I can get done before then.

Entering the Gates of Heaven

Gary Zimmerman
January 12, 1948 - February 5, 2012

Today was the funeral service for my grandpa who went home to be with the Lord this past Sunday afternoon. It was a great and memorable service. I had the opportunity to sing a song and read a poem I wrote the day after my grandpa passed away. Here is the poem . . .

Entering the Gates of Heaven

The day had rapidly approached
When the Lord was to call him home.
His life on earth was finished
And it was time to let him go.
Sharing hugs and kisses --
We said our tearful goodbyes.
“I love you. I love you forever.” Is what he spoke into my ear.
Words that mean the world to me,
And I will hold in my heart forever.
Tears flowed down each face
As we sat there by his side . . .
Waiting for the moment --
The instant he would breathe his final breath.
The time was coming fast,
And I often wonder if he could start to hear the angels sing.
God was preparing a place for him --
A place inside of heaven’s gates.
I’m sure he’d share in tears of joy
As he’d meet his loved ones who had gone on before.
His journey on earth was over,
But the best had yet to come.
His turn to meet Jesus was here,
And God welcomed him with arms open wide.
Then he led him through the pearly gates,
And walked with him through the streets of gold.
I can only imagine the smile on his face
When he ran into the arms of God.
“Welcome home, my child. Well done.”
This I’m sure God said to him.
He left behind a great example
For us all to see and follow.
On earth his faith had been so strong,
And he loved the Lord with all his heart.
He once had told me to live my life
So that others can see God’s love.
He did his best to live for Christ,
And encouraged others to trust in God.
Although we are saddened by our loss,
We may rejoice because we know
One glorious day we will see him again,
And be with him in heaven.
Now he watches from up above,
And in our hearts we can feel his love.
I will never forget what a great man he was.
I will love you forever . . .
My grandpa.

Now at Peace, Walking the Streets of Gold

This afternoon we received the call that I was so afraid of.

The call that would bring a rush of mixed emotions.

First, extreme sadness . . .

Then maybe a little bit of relief and joy on another's behalf.

God had called my grandpa home. His life on this earth was finished and God was ready to welcome him into the gates of heaven with his arms open wide.

I could just imagine that bright smile on my grandpa's face and that sparkle in his eye as he ran into the arms of God. What a glorious day it must be for him. A day that had so far only been dreamed of -- the day to finally see Jesus face to face.

He often spoke of such a day when there would be no more pain and no more suffering. His faith in God was strong and contagious. He left a great example behind for all of us -- something we all should pay attention to and strive to achieve. Though he was not perfect he did his best to do what he knew to be right in the sight of God.

It was so hard when I walked into his room and saw his lifeless body laying there on the bed. Completely emotionless and still.

I cried hysterically as I stood there.

Everyone told me to make sure I had enough time there with him before they came and took him away. I stood by his bedside with my hand on his arm, but it wasn't enough . . . I knew he was no longer in this body. With my hand on his arm, everything within me wished I could hug him and tell him I love him one last time and to have him hug me back. I am so thankful I had an opportunity Friday night while he was coherent for a few minutes to tell him I love him. I bent over him while he was in his bed and gave him a hug. I didn't want to let go. I heard him say to me "I love you. I love you forever." His last spoken words to me. Tears flowed down my face and I struggled to get out my reply. I will hold onto that moment forever.

Although I am overcome with grief, I rejoice. I rejoice in the fact that he is now and forever at peace and that he gets to walk the streets of gold at Jesus' side.

My Grandpa

My Grandpa has set such a great example of what it is to trust God fully and praise Him even when your life is coming close to an end (literally). He knows where he will be going when the Lord has deemed his life on earth finished. We will all miss him so terribly, but we know that when the Lord calls him home he will no longer be in pain and will walk with the Lord for all eternity. What a glorious thought to know you will soon see Jesus . . . to finally reach your destination and forever rejoice.
My family and I have been visiting my grandpa a lot lately . . . doing our best to get as much time with him before the Lord takes him from us. We are so blessed to have him in our lives and I thank God for every day that he continues to be with us.
His faith and strength is such an inspiration to me. Seeing his smiling face brings such joy to my heart. Whenever I see him I watch him closely -- carefully etching his face in my mind so that I will never forget his smile or that gentleness in his eyes.
Yesterday I got to see him again. He has been in a lot of pain lately and rarely ever gets hungry, but it was so great to see his spirits up yesterday and so nice to see that his pain was bearable for a while. He even ate with us . . . very little, but at least it was something. I couldn't help but smile when I'd see his sense of humor shine through and he'd get that playful smile across his face.
Today I was listening to this one song on the internet entitled "I will Rise" by Chris Tomlin. Whenever I hear that song these days it makes me think of my grandpa. These are the Lyrics . . .

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb" 

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that drawing near when the Lord will call him home and he will rise and bow before the Lord. When it speaks of the peace that he's come to know though his heart and flesh may fail reminds me of my grandpas peace and strength . . . he says all is well and praises God.

"And I will rise when He calls my name. No more sorrow, no more pain. I will rise on eagles' wings. Before my God fall on my knees And rise, I will rise ."

I just love this song!

Continuing On

Yesterday morning I had my job interview, which went well enough; however, I did not get the job. Apparently, even though my application was for two days a week (Wednesday and Saturday), I need to be available all the days that this position gets worked by even the other employees just in case one of them is on vacation. My Friday class conflicts with the job.

I got quite discouraged, but recovered quickly.

Yesterday was my second class meeting working with Flash. I learned a few new things, but I was a little frustrated during class because I was behind the entire time. I had to look through my textbook and work on my own most the time.

However, I came up with an idea in my head while I was learning all those new tricks and wondered if I could make it work somehow. I tried it out when I got home. After working on it for literally the rest of the day, I created almost exactly what I had imagined. It was so AWESOME!

I was so excited that I was actually able to create something out of my head . . . and did it completely on my own!!!

Here is what I reached by the end of the night (3am to be exact).