Discouraged . . .

I find that I get discouraged all too easily. I head for a goal and soon find that I just don't want to do it anymore, or it's just simply . . . too hard.

July 31st 2012, I began a professional photography course through New York Institute of Photography (NYIP). I was so excited to begin and was learning so much just in the first couple units. I was SURE I was where God wanted me. But . . . sadly, the fear has kicked in. I took a little break from the course this holiday season because I was working with UPS as a seasonal helper, which made it nearly impossible to focus on school. In this time I have taken off, I have had plenty of time to think about the idea of me being a photographer. The fact is, it has always scared me, but I was determined to get passed my fears and doubts and make it through the course and become a professional photographer. But the reality of it is that I don't think I'd make a good photographer. I'm terrified of people and struggle to get out my thoughts of how I want them to pose or what I want them to do. Also, I don't get very many creative ideas. I had the opportunity to take pictures for friends this passed fall. I found that when we were out taking pictures my mind would go blank and often times they had to come up with how to stand or sit themselves. That should not be the case for a professional photographer. I see pictures from the local photographers here in town and they are amazing! They are so creative and have such great ideas. A lot of people say I have a great eye for photography, but what about everything else?

It seems I don't have a vision. I never have. Not in photography. Not in life.

From time to time I get an idea of something to do, but eventually the excitement fades and reality hits me. But my question is . . .

Am I really not equipped to become a professional photographer? Or am I simply just a coward who can't stick to anything, running at the first sight of a challenge?

There is only one thing . . . one desire that has NEVER faded or gone away. That desire is to get married . . . be a house wife, and eventually have kids of my own. However, that desire seems so far off from where I am. Taking care of a home is one thing that I feel like I can actually do. Thats what I was raised to do . . . take care of a home. I never prepared myself, however, for the time I wouldn't be able to live out my dream. I'm almost 24 years old and this dream of mine has never come true for me, nor does it seem close. I feel as though I have been wandering around lost and hopeless these past six years, not knowing what I am to do with my life.

Another issue with my desire is that a lot of guys I meet don't want a wife who stays home. They want working, independent women. Women who can help pay the bills. I don't blame them. Its a tough world out there.

Well, I guess I'm gonna have to suck it up and finish what I have started. I'm nearly half way through the course and I feel as though I can't just give up now. I need to be the type of person who can finish what they start. Someone who people know they can depend on. I suppose I'll finish and see where God takes me from there. Maybe I'll get my love for photography back . . .