My Roller Coaster

Ok, so I'm really beginning to feel a little crazy. These past few weeks have been like a roller coaster. I change my mind almost every day about what I want to do in my life right now. I have once more changed my mind . . . I know you're all probably thinking I'm pretty insane, but I have not felt so at peace these past few weeks about what I am doing for my life until last night when I was talking to my mom and discovered my hidden desires and who I really am.

I have been trying to do this course through the New York Institute of photography. I could not wait to begin, but once I enrolled I felt I wasn't doing the right thing. I just kept trying to get somewhere with the course and tried ignoring my feelings of negativity and tried to appear happy and content.

I realized that most of my life I have always wanted to try to do something huge for my life so that I can feel like I'm important . . . when I was little I wanted to be a famous singer, then I moved on to wanting to be a big writer . . . soon after that, I wanted to be a big time photographer with my own business and studio. But I have come to find that I don't need to be well-known in order to be somebody. I am not comfortable with taking pictures of people, I much prefer taking pictures of objects and all of nature around me. To have a studio is just not me.

I have always wanted to be a house wife . . . of course I am not able to go down that road yet, but I would like to keep my hobbies as hobbies and stick to my true dream. I do still want to write a book just to see where I can go with that, but I will not be doing it to "make something of myself" . . . but rather, because I love writing. I still want to be a good photographer and take millions of pictures like usual . . . maybe someday I can become good enough to display them or to take pictures for people that I am comfortable with just because I enjoy it, not for fame or money . . . just simply for the love of it.

So . . . here's my new plan . . . wait for it . . . I have now canceled my photography course. I get to keep what I got so far and owe nothing else from now on. I know the course will always be there, so if I ever feel like that is the path I should take at another time then I can shoot for it. I just feel like it's a whole lot of money to pay for information I don't particularly need (they teach you everything from photographing weddings to sports, nature to glamor . . . just everything). I will finish reading my "Nikon D60 for Dummies" so that I can get more familiar with my camera and know how to use it, then buy a couple books that help you take pictures of nature and other things. I went to CMC today to get my schedule re-printed since I had thrown it away with the intentions of dropping out of them for this semester (I knew there was a reason I hadn't gone to do that yet). When I was on campus, it just felt so right . . . I knew right away that I was doing the right thing. So now there is no going back, NYIP is dropped and I am just about ready to pay for my fall classes. I am so excited!!