Reality

Reality hit me today. The truth was said and it struck me so hard that tears wanted to fall.

I held it in, but I took what was said and am trying to find a solution.

I went to talk to the college counselor today and somewhere in the midst of our conversation she said to me "you know what your problem has always been? You never want to put in the time."

It really opened my eyes to hear someone who hardly knows me tell me something like that. If she can see it, so can everyone else around me. I don't want to be seen like that.

For years I have been searching for the path I am supposed to follow. The direction that screams out to me telling me I'm where I'm supposed to be. I haven't found that yet. I get discouraged and overwhelmed and I give up.

I used to never give up.

I'd try and try and try until I would finally achieve my goal. I knew I struggled with learning, but I used to fight so that I could prove to myself and everyone around me that I am still worth something.

Somewhere down the road I lost that. I lost the ambition for anything and everything. I give up at the first sight of a struggle.

I am done.

I want to know I can start something and really finish it . . . not just say it, but really do it!

I was talking about this very thing with a very good friend of mine. He said something that I really liked. He told me "just remember success is not measured by the size of your goal but it is measured by whether you completed it".

I am in the process of setting up an education plan. Lately, I have only been doing one or two classes at a time using the excuse that I get too overwhelmed. It is overwhelming, but if other people can do it, why can't I?I did it my first semester. What happened?

Right now I am trying to decide whether I want to go for an associates degree or just for a certificate. I think I'm leaning toward going for an associates.

If I can go full-time from now on I should be able to finish in a couple years.

I'm going to study in CIS (Computer Information Systems). I'm really hoping this will be good enough to get me into a job. We'll see.

There have been so many times that I have said I want to do better, I just really hope and pray that this time I can truly turn around my way of thinking.

I want there to be a difference. I want to be reliable and want others to see me and know that I will finish whatever it is I start. I know it's somewhere inside of me just waiting to come back out.

This is definitely going to take a lot of hard work and a lot of prayer, but I'm ready for it.