Lost Reality

Oh what I'd give
To see a smile on my mother's face once more --
To hear her joyous laughter.
Oh how it hurts me so deep within.
One moment she is laughing,
Only to fade again into the darkness.
Her face so pale . . . her eyes so sad.
I can hardly bear it.
She's lost in another world --
A lost reality.
A place lost deep inside her mind.
It's all too familiar to me as well,
But it is a place I cannot reach her.
It holds nothing but darkness and fear.
I feel as though I've lost her.
I have never felt so alone.
Oh, Lord! Bring my mother back to me!
Make her whole again.
Bring her back to me . . .


Five years ago my mommy started slipping into a deep depression. In only a year she was totally lost to a nervous breakdown. The above was written when she was at her worst. I wrote it to express what I was feeling at the time. I felt helpless as I watched my mother slip deeper and deeper into depression. I, too, struggle with depression. I never got as severe as my momma did, but I could relate easily to the world my mom lived in, locked up deep in the mind. I wished that I could somehow help her out of the darkness, but I knew only God could do that. She stayed in bed most her days . . . either sleeping or crying under her covers. Whenever daddy could get her out of bed, she would sit on the couch staring off at nothing at all. I have been lead to believe that seeing my mother like this -- all the fear and loneliness that I felt without having her truly there and responsive took me further into depression. I was so afraid that my family was going to fall apart before my eyes. I was afraid that I would never have my momma back. She is my best friend. I didn't know what I'd do without her. She gradually became more responsive, but still was not herself.

Five years of so much distress and constant worrying. Five years of missing my mother. Now . . . I am very happy to say that I finally have my mother back! The Lord has opened all the right doors and has allowed the doctor to find a solution that has now made her whole again. The Lord has answered my daily prayer! It was not at all the timing I was hoping for, but I can say that even though I never understood why my family had to endure so much, the Lord's timing is ALWAYS perfect! While going through this storm I feared for my family, but I am amazed and truly thankful that we came out even stronger than we ever were as a family. God used this situation to tighten the bond between all of us . . . and even to strengthen the relationship we have with Him.

Isaiah 55:8-11 ~ For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish  that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.


Isaiah 40:28-31 ~ Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.


He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.


Romans 8:28 ~ And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.