New Thoughts

I am so excited! I can't wait until the new semester begins. I am so determined to make it through this semester and still be encouraged and excited to continue on through the following semesters. At this point, I am hoping to take classes in the summer as well as the spring and fall so I can try to speed up the process a little. I know it will still take a lot of time, but I have waisted a lot of time already, and I just really want to try to catch up at least a little bit.

I just bought myself a little netbook so that I have my own little computer to use during school and for homework. I will be taking a photography class this semester, so it will be very convenient to have my own computer to upload my photos.

I really want to prove to myself that I can stay dedicated to one thing until I finish it. This is truly where I believe God wants me to be, so I just have to stay faithful knowing that even though it gets tough, God is with me the whole way guiding my footsteps. I can't hide behind my excuses anymore. I may have a learning disability, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid . . . I can still do it . . . I just have to work a little harder than most. I may have had to start out lower in my classes than many have, but that just means I have to work hard and catch myself up as much as I can . . . not just give up when it seems hopeless.

I can't wait!!

A Year of Struggle

Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote a new post. Life has been pretty crazy. This past year has been one of the hardest ever for me. I came to realize that what I wanted to do in life just couldn't happen right now. I have always wanted to get married and be a house wife, but life has not been turning out the way that I had always expected. I am almost twenty-two years old and have had no idea whatsoever what I wanted to do with my life. I have always prepared for the day that I would get married, but I never prepared myself for a life of being alone . . . or the possibility of having to work even if I do get married. So this past year has been a constant struggle as I try to find which direction I should go with my life. Two years ago I started college . . . it wasn't what I wanted at the time, but I really had no choice, so I went for it. I enrolled with an English major because I love to write. I had to start off at the lowest classes they offer due to a learning disability I have struggled with my whole life. After each semester, I became frustrated with the fact that it was going to take many years just to get my associates degree, so I felt like I was just wasting my time. This past summer I decided that I would quit college and do a professional photography course through New York Institute of Photography. I had heard that I could complete it in as little as eight months and photography has always been a big hobby of mine. It was the easy way out for me. I could make something of myself in a short amount of time . . . sounded like a good plan to me. I was so excited! Until . . . I got my supplies and got started. I just didn't have peace about it anymore . . . I felt like I was doing the wrong thing. But how could it be wrong? It just seemed so perfect. It just wasn't God's will for my life, I suppose. I decided to quit the photography course and went back to college. So, this past fall I enrolled in a couple classes. I was pretty pleased with how school was going. I was in a creative writing class, and I was learning a lot about what I love to do. However, along the way I got discouraged, again, at the thought of being there for two years already and knowing it will still take me several years to finish . . . and all for an associates. I decided that I would try another thing that I could complete in the matter of months. I get along really well with the elderly and I really care about people, so I tried getting into a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) program at a nursing home. I took a CPR class and started preparing for the program. Again, I was so excited! The closer I got to it, the less I felt it was the right thing to do. I just didn't feel right about it and I didn't know if I could actually do it. I may care about people, but it would be very difficult to get myself to clean, bathe, and dress them. Deep down inside I had a desire to still complete college, but I struggled still with the thought that I'd be there a long time. I was in torment . . . literally feeling crazy because I kept changing my mind every few months. I just didn't know what to do. I finally came to realize that I have lived most of my life in fear . . . I was afraid of the unknown . . . just life in general. This past Friday, I went to the college to enroll and had the biggest blessing ever! I was about in tears at the power of God . . . He reveals His will to us in ways we could never imagine. I will never doubt again that I am right where God wants me to be. When I enrolled I was told that I only owed the college a dollar. I didn't know how that was possible. The lady told me that my fafsa went through. I had given up on that months ago because they kept saying I had several errors . . . it was just getting too frustrating. Anyways . . . to make a long story short . . . I don't have to pay for this semester and I get a complete refund for this past Fall. If that isn't a sign from God I don't know what is! God is just so good to me! Right now, I no longer feel lost . . . I believe that I am right where God wants me.

By the way . . . I am thinking I might want to be an English teacher once I finish College. :)

Short Story

I just finished writing this short story today. I began writing this a few weeks ago, but didn't edit it more until this afternoon. I began writing this story with the intention of it being a full book, but I felt like this bit of it could stand on its own as a short story. For now, it has the title of "The Girl Killer" but I'm pretty sure it will not stay this. I just couldn't come up with anything clever. Tomorrow I have to share this in my creative writing class with a group of students...I am really quite nervous about it. I have never written anything like this before, so it was a big step for me. I was very surprised, actually, when this story came to my head.

Sarah and Katie were in the front yard of their lovely Victorian style house playing with a few of their friends. It was a beautiful, early autumn day. Leaves on the trees were changing colors into elegant shades of yellow and red – the leaves were just beginning to fall to the ground. Clouds were slowly gathering overhead, and thunder echoed faintly through the mountains. All the children were running around screaming and laughing when all of the sudden Katie, who was around the age of five (ten years younger than her sister Sarah) stopped where she was and just stared at the little white house across the street.

The house sat alone . . . one of only two houses on that side of the street, which were separated by big open fields on either side. No doubt the yards of those houses turned into deep, dark woods, leading into the mountains behind the houses.

Across the street, in that old creepy house, an older man lived alone. He often stood in the window and watched the kids playing in his neighborhood. This day in particular, he was watching the kids directly across the road. He watched with loathing disgust as they screamed and laughed. He stood tall and stiff, his face completely emotionless. In his hand was a knife . . . he was holding it up facing downward away from his body as if he was ready – waiting.

Sarah ran up to her little sister and pushed at her arm, “You’re it!” Katie didn’t say anything; she just stood there motionless with her face full of terror. Sarah turned her gaze towards the old creaky house to see what Katie was looking at. “There’s nothing there, Katie. Come on, let’s play.” She pulled at Katie’s arm, but she just let it limply fall back to her side.

“Sissy,” Whined Katie, “der was a mean, ugly man. He was staring at me. He – he had something,” stuttered Katie.

“Katie you’re just imagining it. The old guy who lives in that house is completely harmless. He’s a retired soldier; he’s just messed up mentally now . . . people believe he went crazy. He’s not going to do anything – he never even leaves his house.” Sarah tapped her sister’s shoulder gently. “Come on, you’re the one who begged me to come out and play.”

Katie reluctantly turned away from the old house and ran off to resume playing with her friends before it got too dark to play outside anymore. They had begun to play a game of catch, which Sarah tired of quickly. Just as she was heading back inside, Katie yelled “Oh no! Da ball went into da cweepy man’s yard!”

Sarah turned around and grabbed her by the shoulders and gave her a quick shake. “Katie, stop being such a baby! Just go and get it . . . nothing is going to happen!”

“No, no . . . I won’t! Da cweepy man might det me!” Katie whined with tears forming in her eyes. “See, der he is! He’s looking again!”

Sarah looked over at the window. “Ok, so he’s looking out the window. You’re such a wimp! He won’t do anything! I told you, he’s just got some mental issues from fighting in a bloody war. And it’s the creepy man might get me, not da cweepy man might det me!” Sarah said sarcastically as she stuck her tongue out at her sister.

Katie stuck her tongue out in return. “Come on, let’s go inside.” Katie said to her friends as she walked towards the front door.

“You’re all just a bunch of big wimps!” Sarah turned around just before she made it into the house and decided to go get the ball before it got dark and she wouldn’t be able to find it. “Ugh, things I have to do for my sister!”

As she crossed the street, the old man was still standing in the window. “He looks nice . . . ” she whispered to herself. As she stepped onto his brown, crunchy lawn, she yelled out to him that she was trying to find her ball. The man nodded slowly. “See, he’s harmless.” She couldn’t find the ball anywhere. “Maybe it made it to the back yard?” She looked up into the window to see if the man was still standing there. Sure enough, he was. As she looked up at him he lifted his hand slowly and pointed towards the side of his house. She waved as a kind gesture and said thanks as she ran towards the back.

Walking alongside the house looking every which way she made it to a door at the back of the house. Suddenly, the door opened, startling her so that it made her jump. She looked up slowly noticing the man was standing in the doorway wearing a worn out pair of blue jeans and an old plaid shirt. He was holding a ball in the palm of his hand. She just stood there looking at it for a second. “This isn’t our ball . . .” she thought to herself. “Eh, just take the ball and go back home. She won’t even notice the difference.”

“Thank you,” she said as she hesitantly reached up to grab it. The man handed it to her and nodded, saying absolutely nothing. They both stood there a few seconds just looking at each other, until Sarah smiled and nodded then silently began to turn away to walk back home. The mysterious man grabbed onto her arm just as she was about to take her first step. Now . . . she was scared, though, she tried desperately not to show it. Sarah looked down at his hand that was gripping her arm. He was holding onto her arm so tight that it was almost too painful that she wanted to cry out in pain.

“Come eat some ice cream.” The man said in a monotonous voice, breaking the silence. His face was emotionless and stern. His eyes looked deep into Sarah as if he could see down into her very soul. It frightened her. She felt that he could sense just how scared she was even though she tried to seem untouched by his persistency.

Still trying not to sound or look scared she said as calmly as she could, “no thank you, I really have to get back before supper.” When his grip didn’t loosen she tried to pull away, but had no success. She tried to scream for help, but the man cupped his other hand over her mouth and began to drag her into his house. She kept struggling to get away, digging her sandaled feet into the dirt trying to find a footing. She kicked and squirmed as the ball fell – rolling across the dirt.

The man seemed so strong – too strong, really, for being so old. He was only maybe in his mid-fifties, but he always seemed so fragile to everyone that saw him, which made him appear older. Once he finally succeeded in getting the girl through the door he slammed it shut behind him. The room was surprisingly neat . . . not a thing out of place.

The man began pulling the young girl towards his nightstand where a big sharp knife was laying. He hated children, especially the pretty ones. He grew up always being teased by the other children all the way through high school and then on through to college. The girls took pleasure in teasing and torturing him . . . going out with him only to stand him up or make some kind of fool out of him. The boys would beat him up whenever they could find him alone. He despised young people. He would take each one out; one at a time . . . they had no right to live.

Though Sarah felt helpless, she bit the man’s hand to try to get away from his strong grip . . . that was the only thing she could even attempt to do. The man yelped and grabbed his hand to look it over. He was bleeding pretty badly. Sarah took the opportunity to try to run away, but he caught hold of her shoulder and threw her back. He heard a squeal and looked back finding that the girl had fallen against the corner of the dresser. Her head was bleeding and she was only half conscious, slumped down toward the ground. He smiled slightly, grabbed his knife off his nightstand, and slowly began walking towards the helpless girl – knife up and ready – blood flowing down his arm from the wound on his hand. She was able to gain enough strength to look up and let out one loud, eerie scream, but it was too late.

In God's Hands

The stress is just too much!!

Every night, I dread going to bed. I lay there in bed completely still -- listening. I'm just waiting for the moment I hear the voices of men outside my window again. I hear a noise and I peek outside . . . I know that if I actually see someone I would probably scream like nothing else, but I just have to know. Last night I think was the hardest night for me since we found out there had been guys out there listening to us. It was so windy outside and every noise only made my fear grow. This whole thing has me really jumpy and tense. I now see that those things I've heard of out in the world really could become a reality to even me . . . it now has become "real" to me. I almost feel like every stranger is a potential threat. I am afraid to go anywhere by myself now. I had to go to class this morning and I was trying to find any way out of it . . . of course with no success. I always feel like I'm being watched now . . . in my own house. It seems crazy!

I feel like such a wimp.

I have now decided that I have had enough. I'm pretty sure that we are ok now. We closed all our front windows and are now putting up TONS of lights in our front yard . . . if that doesn't do it, I don't know what will. Even if these men decide to try to come back, I just have to place it in the Lords hands. I must trust Him to take care of me!

So . . . tonight, I will try to go to bed with confidence that I am in the Lords hands.

Proverbs 3: 24-26 ~ When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.

Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh.

For the Lord shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.

Psalm 118:6 ~ The Lord is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?

Psalm 56:11 ~ In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me.

Creepers

Creepers is an understatement!

A couple nights ago, I had just recently climbed up into bed and I was alone in the room at the moment. Outside was pretty silent . . . I have a hard time hearing anything out there because of our swamp cooler. We have each bedroom window cracked so that the air can have a place to flow through. As I was laying there I started to hear voices and laughter . . . through the breeze flowing out the window I could only make out one word that these voices said, which was "window". Yeah, window. Anyways, I figured it was our neighbors or something outside talking . . . they are often out there makin noise. I tried to push the thought outside my head that it was hard to hear anything outside, so how could I hear these voices . . . but I just tried reason that they were being especially loud. Soon, Beth finally came into the room and we talked for a couple hours like usual, then we finally fell asleep. Sometime through the night I heard rustling in the bushes . . . could it have been the kittens? I still do not know . . . I sure hope it was.

Last night, around 1 am, Beth and I were in bed unable to sleep, so like most nights we talked for a little while . . . unaware of the time that was swiftly passing by. We got into some deep stuff as well as some things that made us laugh. Until I had to leave for just a few minutes. Next thing I know Beth was out in the living room. She started telling me what was going on . . . why my big brother was going in and out of the house and why my little brother was scared and why she was so shook up. Apparently, after I left, Beth was thinking about what we had previously been talking about when she heard voices outside the window talking about that same thing and laughing while they were at it. She didn't have much time to register what these voices were saying exactly before she dashed out of the room to wake my brother. My sister finally woke up and we filled her in on what was going on. We found out that a couple nights ago she, too, heard voices. She heard mens voices and laughter as she was changing late that night. What a lovely thought.

By this time, mom and dad were being woken up. Dad went outside while my brother went into each of our rooms so that they could talk to each other and see how well the voices could be heard. Dad said that my brothers voice carried very well out the window as it was being carried by the swiftly flowing air from the swamp cooler. My brother said that he could hear daddy pretty well too until he got too far away from the window, then he couldn't make anything out. They also tested to see if shadows or images could be seen through the blinds in the windows from outside. Thankfully we were good to go there.

Daddy rode out on his bike around the street to see if he could find anyone until he wanted to go further, so he got in the car to drive around a couple blocks. He found a group of teenage boys a couple streets over who he thought could possibly be them. That thought still didn't comfort me . . . I felt it couldn't have been them even if they were out and about in the middle of the night. The voices we heard were much more mature and deep. Daddy called the police and told them what was going on and told them of the group of teenagers that he had found. They didn't hesitate to come out and take a look. As the police officer stopped in front of our house daddy and my brother went out to talk to him. However, they did not get to talk long because straight ahead there were two guys walking up the street . . . only their shadows could be seen as the lights of the police car shone up the street. The officer said he would go check it out.

After talking to the guys, the officer came back to our house. He said that he didn't think that they were the ones, but all of us girl still feel like they were the ones who sat outside our windows invading our privacy. The officer, daddy, and my brother walked around the yard with a bright flashlight to inspect the area around our windows and everything else surrounding. They found many footprints, so they know we weren't imagining things. After the rains we recently had there is no way that there would be that many footprints. The officer gave daddy some suggestions, like putting up a light in that area and trimming back the bushes so it's not such a great hiding place. Nothing that anyone could say last night would be able to comfort us enough to fall asleep. So, we all stayed in the same room and watched TV shows all night. None of us got much sleep . . . maybe a few hours, but that was it.

Still to this moment my mind is going crazy and loaded with so many questions. How often (and since when) have they been sitting out our window listening to our deep dark secrets and desires? How long each night are they there listening, lurking in the shadows? What do they want? How many are there of them? Who are they? Do they live in our neighborhood? Do they know what we look like? Do they watch us as we walk outside to our car or to check the mail?

Well . . . I suppose we'll never know.

One thing that I do know is . . . I feel thoroughly violated!

Depression

Depression has been my constant companion for as long as I can remember. . .

I get sad.

I cry.

And . . . I pray.

I improve.

I smile.

And . . . I laugh.

One thing I know . . .

It is sure to come back to get me.

It's a never ending cycle.

Today is one of the bad days, so . . .

I am sad.

I may cry.

But . . . one thing for sure --

I will pray.

I am so thankful to know

That God is with me the whole way.

Penelope and My Life

The other night my dad put on this movie entitled Penelope. I used to love that movie, but I haven't seen it in forever! I always felt like I related to the girl in that film who was named Penelope because of an age-old curse that was put on her family, which was for the first daughter born of that family to be born with the face of a pig! No, I may not have a face of a pig, but I felt that I could relate in the fact that she could not find a suitor . . . they all ran at the sight of her -- and in my case they run when they get to know me and find out how conservative I am . . . all the "rules" I have . . . when they come to find that, in their eyes, I am pretty weird when it comes to relationships.

Penelope's curse could not be broken until one of her own kind would except her as their own, so her family is constantly bringing in groups of guys to meet her to see if one would except her. In one particular scene Penelope is quite discouraged after a whole group of guys flee from her house out of terror -- her mother tries encouraging her . . .

Mother: Penelope, just one man, one man.

Penelope: And he'll run too! They always run. Why can't you except that? For seven years I have been watching them run. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Do you?

Mother: I'm sorry, but we can't just quit.

Penelope: We can, because no matter how much I want to believe that there is one man who won't run away, one man who . . . who . . .

Just as they see a man still standing in the room where she had revealed herself. She hurries back to her spot on the other side of the mirror where he can't see her so that she can ask him if he saw her.

They start to become friends on opposite sides of the glass. Eventually, she reveals herself to him and he just stood there staring at her . . . he didn't run.

Well, I guess I can't relate entirely because she ended up running because she was scared, however, my point is that I would like to find one man who will not run away, one man who would love me enough to accept me the way that I am.

Although I must add that he ran after her, but when she asked him to marry her in order to break the curse he said that he couldn't because he knew something they didn't know . . . he wasn't one of her kind.

Match-maker: Wait, he's still a blue-blood! He can break the curse.

Penelope: Max, I know this face repulses you . . . and I wouldn't, I wouldn't dream of asking you to accept it.

Max: No . . . no . . . no . . .

Penelope: But this isn't me, the real me is inside here somewhere just waiting to come out and you can make it happen, and once the curse is broken I'll be just like anybody else.

Max: What if the curse doesn't get broken? What if the curse can never be broken?

Penelope: Then I'll kill myself. I promise, I promise I will. Marry me, Max. Marry me.

Max: I can't.

Penelope: Get out.

Max: I'm...

Match -maker: Get out! Get out!

By the end of the movie, they get married after it was revealed that he only said he couldn't marry her because he wasn't one of them . . . he didn't have the power to make her happy by breaking the curse.

The very thought that he cared enough about her to try to do what he thought she wanted touches me. He was willing to lose her if that meant she'd be happy.

I am just waiting for that one man who will not run away . . . the one man who would be willing to withstand anything to be with me in the end. Every time I see another man run (figuratively) the opposite direction because they don't like the way that I am saddens me deeply.

In the film Penelope says "I felt the rush of a thousand heartbreaks."

The other night I found that I still like that movie because, even though it's not a true story, it still gives me hope. I can't wait until God brings the right man into my life who will love me forever . . . who will accept me just the way I am.

My Roller Coaster

Ok, so I'm really beginning to feel a little crazy. These past few weeks have been like a roller coaster. I change my mind almost every day about what I want to do in my life right now. I have once more changed my mind . . . I know you're all probably thinking I'm pretty insane, but I have not felt so at peace these past few weeks about what I am doing for my life until last night when I was talking to my mom and discovered my hidden desires and who I really am.

I have been trying to do this course through the New York Institute of photography. I could not wait to begin, but once I enrolled I felt I wasn't doing the right thing. I just kept trying to get somewhere with the course and tried ignoring my feelings of negativity and tried to appear happy and content.

I realized that most of my life I have always wanted to try to do something huge for my life so that I can feel like I'm important . . . when I was little I wanted to be a famous singer, then I moved on to wanting to be a big writer . . . soon after that, I wanted to be a big time photographer with my own business and studio. But I have come to find that I don't need to be well-known in order to be somebody. I am not comfortable with taking pictures of people, I much prefer taking pictures of objects and all of nature around me. To have a studio is just not me.

I have always wanted to be a house wife . . . of course I am not able to go down that road yet, but I would like to keep my hobbies as hobbies and stick to my true dream. I do still want to write a book just to see where I can go with that, but I will not be doing it to "make something of myself" . . . but rather, because I love writing. I still want to be a good photographer and take millions of pictures like usual . . . maybe someday I can become good enough to display them or to take pictures for people that I am comfortable with just because I enjoy it, not for fame or money . . . just simply for the love of it.

So . . . here's my new plan . . . wait for it . . . I have now canceled my photography course. I get to keep what I got so far and owe nothing else from now on. I know the course will always be there, so if I ever feel like that is the path I should take at another time then I can shoot for it. I just feel like it's a whole lot of money to pay for information I don't particularly need (they teach you everything from photographing weddings to sports, nature to glamor . . . just everything). I will finish reading my "Nikon D60 for Dummies" so that I can get more familiar with my camera and know how to use it, then buy a couple books that help you take pictures of nature and other things. I went to CMC today to get my schedule re-printed since I had thrown it away with the intentions of dropping out of them for this semester (I knew there was a reason I hadn't gone to do that yet). When I was on campus, it just felt so right . . . I knew right away that I was doing the right thing. So now there is no going back, NYIP is dropped and I am just about ready to pay for my fall classes. I am so excited!!

Always Changing

Never in my life did I ever imagine that choosing what to do for your life could be so challenging. When I was younger, I would see young adults around me constantly changing their majors and their course of direction. I always wondered why. I thought that once I knew what I wanted to do I would stick with it . . . why would it be any other way? I have been having the hardest time knowing what to do, and I don't really want to say that I know for sure now, because I have learned that the road is not straight before you . . . you have to find your way with direction from God. However, I am now content in which direction I am going in . . . no doubts . . . for now.

I have decided that I am doing the right thing by taking this photography course. It is proving to be challenging, but everything in life that is worth anything will be challenging. But, I have also decided not to drop my writing dream. Before, I said that I didn't want to pursue it the same . . . like being a published writer, but I have come to terms that I still want to publish some day. Yesterday I counted and found that I have at least 41 poems . . . I'd say thats a pretty good start for a book. Of course they need lots of work, but I am prepared for that. I have also always wanted to write a fiction about the Holocaust . . . that piece of history has always captured my heart and mind . . . I could never put my mind around such cruelty. I have recently ordered a few books having to do with the Holocaust so that I can learn as much information about it as possible. In a few years, after much research, I hope to begin writing my book.

I do realize, though, that it can easily change again, but right now I am completely content and excited for I want to do in my life. Thanks to all those who have been such a great encouragement to me and never cease to pray for me!

Jumbled Thoughts

Right now I couldn't be more lost and confused. I was so excited to start this photography course when I first found it, but once I enrolled I felt like I was making the wrong decision. I feel like certain things confirm that too, but who knows. If not photography then what? I had always wanted to be a house wife, but I don't see that happening in the near future. Maybe I am just a little discouraged and am really actually on the right path. As of right now, I just feel lost. I guess time will tell. Some say to live life and make your own mistakes . . . we all have those. But I have always wanted know which direction I was going . . . I don't like feeling like I'm just wandering around aimlessly.

Lately, I have been so down about my appearance . . . I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. It is so strange that when you can't see yourself you don't really realize how much weight you have gained. The other night I was watching old videos from when I was in high school and then when I graduated . . . as well as looking at a load of pictures from when I was younger. I was never really skinny, but I was thin. I found it strange that when I looked back at old memories it was such a happy and sad experience. So much can change in such a small amount of time. It nearly brought me to tears as I sat at the computer reminiscing. I remember being so down about myself when I was younger . . . thinking I was so ugly and fat. Now I would give anything to look the way I used to. I often wonder if God allowed me to gain 60 pounds just to show me how thin I actually was . . . just to show me what it really meant to be fat. I always put it off on the medication I was put on, which is when I started the weight gain . . . but I just don't know anymore . . . it most likely was that, but maybe that wasn't all. I don't think I can ever get back down again, and it saddens me that I don't really have something to show for having gained so much. Many women can say that they have several beautiful children to show for their weight gain and that they wouldn't change a thing . . . but me, all I can say is "I used to be suicidal so I was put on medication . . . the end." I keep on telling myself that if I could be as thin as I used to be I would appreciate it so much more, but no matter how much I keep on wishing and dreaming, I'll never reach that place again. In some ways it has grown me as a person, but in some ways it has made me become bitter. I am having to learn to except myself the way that I am and realize that I am some body no matter what I look like. But sometimes I get so down about it. The other day I went to try on some sun dresses because I needed something casual to wear at VBS. I was so frustrated when nothing would fit right. I told my mom that I wished I was depressed instead of fat . . . deep down inside I know I could not really wish that, but it's hard not to think it.

Kids that touched my heart in VBS

Vacation Bible School is officially over for this year. I just got home from the closing night where a bunch of the kids parents showed up to see what had been going on through the week. It was a great turn out, I'd say.

This year for VBS the money that the children brought throughout the week is going to two missionaries. On Thursday the kids got a chance to see one of the missionaries and had the opportunity to speak to him -- Kyle Sheridan, on his way to Chile. What a blessing.

Here are a few of the sweet faces in VBS that have touched my heart and life.

Opened Eyes

This week is Vacation Bible School (VBS) at the church I attend. For several years I have had the group of 3 and 4 year old girls. The boys also follow close with a different leader, however, we seem to share the load together. This year I wanted to have the same group, but was a little hesitant to take them. Recently, I have struggled really bad with anxiety, so I didn't know how I'd be able to handle them...after all, 3 and 4 year old children tend to be out of hand at times. I decided I would still help out this year and take on the group of kids that I have had for around 4-5 years.

Yesterday was the beginning, I thought I wouldn't make it through the day. All together, with the boys and girls, we had roughly 25 kids. There was two little kids that just loved to cling to me. One wanted to constantly sit on my lap, while the other leaned into my side wanting to tell me tons of stories and show me her funny faces. At one moment, this young girl stopped dead in her tracks on the stairs and turned to me saying "look at my funny face" while she pulled out the sides of her mouth with her fingers, stuck out her tongue and crossed her eyes...she made me chuckle as we continued down the steps.

I found I didn't have a very good attitude that day, I went home so stressed. During crafts, each worker had to help out at least 3 kids each. I usually do just fine with this type of stuff, but I seriously thought I was going to fall to the ground with a major anxiety attack while I was there. We were helping kids make beaded bracelets that had to have the color beads in just the right order. No matter how many times I would tell a child which bead to put on next I would always find their beads out of order when I came back to check on them. I feared that with how many times I had to take off their beads and tell them to try again, one was bound to start crying out of frustration. I was beginning to burn up and felt as though the room was going in circles around me. I couldn't believe I was going to allow myself to get so worked up over it.

I went to bed last night with the thoughts to do better today. When I woke up I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth, as I was standing there I felt it...the weak legs, the weak stomach, and the rushing, spinning head. I don't know why I got it, I didn't feel too anxious at the moment, but I guess just the thought of going to VBS began driving me into anxiety. These feelings I get always make me panic, which does not help. I just went back to bed for a few minutes and just stayed still, breathing slowly. I wanted to be successful today and do better in VBS, but I found I was off to a bad start. Soon I felt better and finished getting ready.

I found, though, that even though I said in my mind that I wanted to do better I still had the wrong mindset. I wanted to do well, not for the kids that attend, but rather just to prove that I could do it.

This morning it hit me.

There are so many different kinds of children that attend...children that come from Christian families, many that actually attend Calvary Baptist Church. There are several children who come from broken homes, and some who come from abusive families, or experience neglect.

It broke my heart today as I watched each and every child in this young age group. So many shy, quiet, and to themselves...while others act out and try to get attention with every step they take. During story time today, there was this one boy who started crying and screaming, no one really knew what happened. As one of the leaders started taking him outside, he pulled his way towards me and lay his head in my lap as the tears just kept flowing. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces for this little boy who sought me out for comfort. I gently picked him up and headed outside so he wouldn't disrupt the class. One of the other leaders followed, she told me that this little boy is experiencing hard things at home and suggested that he began crying because Rachel, the teacher, was talking about a little lost sheep. No one knows exactly what caused the tears, but the thought that it was possibly something so heart-breaking, makes me really sad.

I began to see these children through completely different eyes. They are not all terrors just because they act out and misbehave. They are simply children who are looking for attention and love. If you handle them right they grow to respect you and listen to what you have to say.You can't expect to change them, but you can try to make a difference. Today, I watched them closely as I saw their moments of tears and moments of contagious laughter. Sure, they need guidance, but I needed to realize...they are human just like me and they have struggles, fears, and insecurities...just like me.

Tomorrow, I will post pictures of a few of their sweet little faces. =)

The Journey That Lies Ahead

A couple days ago I saw a deal that the New York Institute of Photography was going to have this Thursday...a one day deal. When I first saw it I was a bit disappointed that it wasn't going to be for when I originally wanted to sign up next year. After giving it some thought and talking with my dad, I decided it was just too great an offer to pass up. So I am now enrolled in the professional photography course through NYIP!! I am so extremely excited! I must admit that I am very scared and nervous. I have always been so afraid of failure...I don't know what I'd do if I just wasn't good enough. I know that this is going to be a challenge, but I am going into it with the mind to make it through doing the very best I can and become the professional photographer that I so desire to be. I am hoping by this time next year I can be finished with this course. I get to begin as soon as they send me my materials!

Thoughts of Today

The future always seems so unsure, doesn't it? Plans and dream are constantly changing...things we once thought -- exist no longer. I have been chasing a dream that I no longer feel I'll reach, at least not to the extent I once expected. For the past few years I have wanted to become a published writer...it was my main focus as I was attending classes to better improve what I write. I have been doing a lot of thinking and have come to the idea that maybe I was going down the wrong path. No, I do not wish for my writing to cease...that is something I love to do and it is my way of expressing how I feel, however, I do not feel it is my purpose to be a published writer. If I end up there some day that would be great, but right now, I am changing my focus to something I find more of a need for.

I found the New York Institute of Photography (NYIP) online the other day and did some research. It is completely do-at-your-own-pace right in the comfort of your own home. They teach you everything you need to know to be a professional photographer. This course can be completed within eight months to a year by doing a couple hours a day, but they give you a maximum of three years to complete it in. As I have gotten several requests from people to take photos for them I am finding that I will most likely be more successful in the photography business than in the world of writing.

Now these next few months I will be trying to earn up enough money to be able to get into this course...I need to pay up front, otherwise it's an extra three hundred dollars. My goal is to begin this course through NYIP in January. Whether I return to CMC next spring is uncertain...I will be spending a lot of time in prayer trying to figure out what God wants me to do. I do still want to learn Spanish, so I may return to CMC for only that one class, but we will see.

Shadows

These past few months -- lets say -- the past 6 months have been a struggle for me. November 28th -- two days after Thanksgiving -- me and my boyfriend broke up. I had never wanted that to happen, but apparently God did...He sent us our separate ways and revealed to me different things about our relationship; however, I still wanted things to work out between us. I have found that I had grown bitter and have slacked off on things of life that I should never had slacked off on...such as school and just everyday duties in the house. I mope around feeling sorry for myself...feeling alone. I have had to sit by and watch him move on and continue on with his life -- all the while I have been dreaming and wishing that everything could be better between us. I find he is the smart one.

Just today I remembered a poem I wrote a couple months ago, and just now does it actually mean something to me. All this time I have been thinking so wrong. I look at what I DON'T have instead of EVERYTHING that I DO have. I am so very blessed and fail to recognize it every day that I am living...if you can even call it living. Now I have truly caused myself to "suffer". I neglected my studies this semester and so now I must pay. I am barely passing a couple of my classes. Like I have mentioned before, I have been humbled and humiliated as I have had to ask for help from professors knowing that all the other students in the class can hear. One day I tried to whisper to my teacher that I was struggling but he just could not hear me...he had to ask me to speak up, so hesitantly I spoke up feeling as though all eyes turned on me. I have decided that this all ends now. Over and over again God shows His face to me and reveals to me just how beautiful life really is, but over and over again I choose to, in a way, ignore it.

First, He showed me His power and mercy by saving a young girls life who had tried to take it herself. It was truly a miracle. After having been [almost] declared dead four times she now lives and is out of the hospital after only two weeks. She was originally going to need a new liver, her organs were shutting down, she was experiencing heart failure, she needed a full dialysis and she couldn't even breathe on her own. This whole experience made me realize how valuable life really is and showed me that I should really appreciate it. I am in complete awe of God's awesome love and power.

Second, God shows His love for me through my family and close friends. No matter what I do they always love me and support me. With family and friends like I have how could I ever ask for more?

God is always showing me that I don't need a guy in my life to be happy. I am a complete person. I have so many dreams and desires and every day I get closer to achieving them. He opens doors for me that I simply have to walk through. I love to sing and play my clarinet and God gives me the opportunity to play and sing at church every week. Today I got to sing in Spanish for our Spanish ministry at church that my daddy preaches for. I felt like I could fly when I was up there singing...I feel so free the moment I start to sing, almost like the whole world around me disappears taking all my pain and heart ache with it. I also love to take photos and desire to become a professional photographer. I get so much practice at it and am now coming to the point where I get to put my work into use and take pictures for other people and/or sell them. What a dream come true! Another desire of mine is to become the best writer I can be. Well, I can write whenever I want...I am attending classes to improve it, but I take it for granted. All these things and I find myself still dissatisfied. Maybe I'm just crazy...

But like I said...I have decided that all this "craziness" ends now.

Surrounded by shadows,

The darkness consumes me --

Frightens me.

It closes in,

Leaving me nowhere to run.

A scream for help

That no one hears...

A scream without sound.

The shadows frighten me

And I squirm.

"Will no one save me?"

I stare longer at the shadows,

Finding them to be shadows of me and my past.

A tear marks my face

As memories flood my mind.

As I try to get away,

The shadows follow close behind.

"Lord! What is it you want me to learn?"

Give me your eyes to see, that I may be free!"

The shadows take form,

Images that reveal my life

And all that has occurred.

I see all those I loved...

All those who hurt me --

Those who broke my heart.

"Why would you remind me of my pain, Lord?

Why would you want me to hurt again?"

I lay in misery

Watering my pillow with my tears.

I see broken dreams and promises --

Things that only hold sadness and anger.

Suddenly, memories of triumph and of love appear.

I see family...my close friends.

All smiling...smiling at me.

I realize -- they were welcoming me --

Welcoming me into their arms of love.

How could have I doubted them?

I see a world a beauty...

A world of sunshine and flowers blooming in the spring.

I feel a warm embrace.

How could I not see?

Many times have I counted my losses,

But how many times have I counted...

My blessings?

A Night to Remember

Last Friday evening I, along with some friends, got the opportunity to sing at a dinner the church school was holding for their High schoolers...it is sorta like their prom except they don't call it that (but rather, "A Night to Remember") and there is no dancing or anything like that. When we first got there we just socialized and found out when we would be performing our songs. Soon came the moment when all my blood rushed to my head out of nervousness. What if I messed up? What if I fall? All these thoughts flooded my mind. Then I was reminded that God would carry me through the whole thing. We got up there and sang our first song entitled "There is a Healer". After we finished we walked silently to our seats and waited for our first course to be served.

The waiters brought out huge, beautiful green salads and bowls of three different salad dressings. Soon came the main dish, which was so beautiful I had to take a picture of it; however, it did not come out well, there was a shadow, so I could not post that one. I had Chicken Parmigiana over noodles. It was amazing! Following the delicious main course was our dessert...I can't really say what it was because the truth is...I don't really know what it was. Whatever it was, it was great!

After everyone finished eating and we were just sitting around waiting for something to happen, the principle of the school came up to our table and asked if we were ready to sing our other two songs. So, we all walked over to the piano and positioned ourselves so that we could be heard well enough. We sang through "I Stand Redeemed" and then "By the Gentle Waters".

When we had finished our last song I felt like crawling into a little hole so that no one could see me any longer. I felt slightly humiliated as I was walking back to my seat...it was completely silent in the room...you would probably have been able to hear a pen drop. Usually at church when we sing we get an amen from at least one person, but not this night...we got silence. I just had to keep reminding myself that we were doing it for the Lord and not the glory of ourselves.

Catching up

Wow, it sure has been a long time since I've written...thought it was about time to write something new.

Life is crazy as usual and so much has happened and been on my mind. Life still continues to be a challenge, but in the midst of all the struggles I find light and happiness. As this semester of college rolls close to the end, I'm finding I really need to step up and take control of my studies. I suppose I may have, possibly slacked off, and it is starting to show. I am constantly having to swallow my pride and ask for help from my instructors and often times resulting in feeling stupid for not knowing something that seems so simple. After two semesters (one whole year) of college life and with-holding a 4.0 GPA I am now humbled and feeling slightly humiliated as I am getting the lowest grades I have ever gotten in college. I got my first F the other day and I felt like it tore me up inside leaving me very distraught. In and of myself I am nothing and fail greatly; however, I find while seeking God I find strength to do things I never thought possible.

Time to register for the upcoming Fall semester is right around the corner, so I find myself thinking and contemplating, trying to figure out what classes would be good for me to take. A part of me only wants to take a couple classes and take it easy...while the other part of me wants to head full-on into the new semester--making new goals to accomplish and more complete dreams to chase. As of now, I am looking at taking Spanish 2, Creative Writing, and possibly Digital Photography. That will take me to eleven units and I need twelve to be full-time. Although, the photography class is only for pleasure...it does not apply to my major, so I may need to hold off on that and do something that will benefit me in my major.

I am finding that dreams are constantly changing...even if it is slightly. In the beginning of the semester I was so set on school, it was as if I couldn't get enough of it. Now, I just don't know what I want. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to go to school anymore so I can just stay at home and study up on one specific subject that I would like to write a book about and get started up on it, but other times I think it would be great to have a degree. Life is full of so many decisions. Not that I could actually drop out of school, that just isn't an option...so I guess I meant to say that life is full of so many ideas and desires. Anyways...I am waiting patiently for God to show me which way He has planned for my life, which classes I should take and so-forth.

I am going to start to play tennis with a friend, which I am SURE will help me out with my stress and help me to just have fun. I am looking forward to it!

Lately I have been taking tons of photos, which really seems to cheer me up when I am down. It's as if God uses nature to show me His presence and hold me in His embrace. Here are some photos I have taken.

Remembering the past

Last night I started reading my journals from years 2003-2007. There are many things about my past that I had somehow forgotten . . . after reading those entries I had in my journals I almost regretted reading them and thought it was best to leave the past hidden, for it is very painful to me to reminisce my past and who I was. In my eyes I was a monster. I have to come to terms that maybe it isn't so bad to remember. As a matter of fact, it is good for me to remember . . . this way I can see the growth and change in my heart and life, and be truly grateful for what the Lord has done in me. For as long as I can remember I have struggled very badly with depression, so much so that I was in danger to myself. I have always dealt with a low self-esteem and had no sense of what is really important in life. I so often missed what I was looking for when it was right there in front of my face all those years. I thank God for the saving grace that He has bestowed upon me.


I will post some entries from my journal just to show where I was and where I am.


". . . I often feel like the world is crumbling into pieces around me. I wish I were never born. Why am I here; why did God choose to make me? Everyone would be better off without me. I'm no body and no one really cares about me . . . anyone that says they do don't really mean it. People only tell me they love me because they feel they have to . . . "


"I have been so depressed these past couple days. I start crying so easily. I was crying the whole way to JPhil this afternoon, or evening should I say. I forced myself to stop crying so I could go in. When I walked in everyone just thought I looked really tired because my eyes were red. During break, Jarrod asked me if I was okay, so I just told him I was fine. When he asked if I was sure I just assured him I WOULD be okay eventually. I so badly wanted to tell him how I felt; at that moment I just wanted to tell someone how I felt to unload, I just felt like I was silenced. My depression has been getting the better of me. I have lost the love for anything I do, even music. I want to just give up on life . I want to die and be gone. I'm nothing, I can never do anything right. I so badly want a friend I can really talk to. I want a friend I can trust . . . someone who will love me for who I am. somehow I don't feel like I could ever have such a friend. I still don't know where I fit in at. I know that my family cares about me, so what's the matter with me! Why am I never satisfied? Maybe I'm just waiting for acceptance from myself. Sometimes I feel like there's no hope for me, like I'll be lost forever in this world . . . I just don't know what to do . . . I just hate life and need serious help. I think that sometimes I am bitter towards God because of the past year . . . why He let me go through so much . . . "


". . . I have been so depressed lately. It's getting really bad, I don't know what I'll do, meaning--to myself. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have control over myself. Right now I'm doing fine, and I do have times like this, you know, being able to smile and stuff. But the Bible does say that "even in laughter the heart can be sorrowful." I don't know what my future will be. My plan had always been to get married right out of high school and be a house wife. But I"m in the 11th grade . . . 17 years old and there is absolutely no one around. I never thought of what I'd do if there was no one around. I can't even go to college because I don't think I would ever make it. I don't learn as quickly and easily as everyone else. I only have one more year of school then I graduate. My future is so unclear. Will God allow me to marry, or will i live a life alone? If I don't end up getting married, what will I do for a living? All these questions with no answers. It's starting to drive me crazy. How am I supposed to get answers? I'm not going to hear a voice come down from Heaven, so then where do the answers come from? Where does anyone get the answer to 'what they're going to do in life'? why must life be so hard? I hate life!"


Well, as you can see I was one messed up girl. I pretty much measured my life and who I was by the friends I had in my life, or the lack thereof. I have always had a wonderful family that has always loved me . . . and yet I chose not to see it or recognize it--therefore, causing me to be miserable. I have GREAT friends. . . especially Ameshia, who has been so wonderful to me and ever so patient. Now-a-days, no one will really know I have depression unless I tell them I do. I would never question God's authority in my life nor question my existence. God has a purpose in my life and I will strive with all my might to achieve it. I never did hear a voice telling me what to do or where to go, but I believe with all my heart that I am right in the place where God wants me. I am satisfied where I am--right here in the arms of God. I am now trying my best to make the very most out of life. I am ashamed and embarrassed of who I was ,but rejoice in who God has made me.

Only the Beginning

Tomorrow starts the beginning of an adventure . . . another semester of college. This year I have decided to do my very best to stay full-time from now on, no matter what happens or how discouraged I get. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. This semester I am taking my last English class before all the other classes to complete my major will open up, which puts some pressure on me because I feel like I just have to pass this class so I can get on with achieving my goal, which is to get my degree. I really don't want to graduate too long from now. My classes include: English, History, Math, and Spanish. I know it's going to be really hard, but I have faith that I will make it through.

I am getting so excited and anxious about publishing my book of poetry. I am finally getting somewhere with it . . . I have 58 pages so far, which seems like a start to me. Last night I was trying to create my book cover, which is the picture above. Opinions on it would be greatly appreciated. I hope to publish within the next couple of years. Finding a good self-publishing company is going to be the hardest part for me. I have researched many companies online but it seems that with most I can find complaints or the word "scam". I am very paranoid about being used. I would be so distraught if someone took my money or even more my poetry, so I just need to find a company that I trust. I can't wait!!

People Come, People Go

One sure thing about life is the fact that often times people that come into your life very often leave it as well. I have a very hard time with change--news flash--life is full of changes. Thank God we have one thing that remains consistent--one thing that will never change, which would be Him. His love is unfailing.

A very dear friend of mine who is in the Navy will be deploying tomorrow. He is going overseas to Japan as well as several other places. Once he gets back in July he will be here for one more month then he's out of the Navy and gone! He will be missed terribly; however, I am learning to rely on God and recognize His faithfulness.

Just recently my boyfriend and I broke up--another sign that people come and people go. Even though that was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced, I realize that Gods love and power was being displayed. I thank God every day that He never leaves us alone. Often times we may feel that He would be like us as people and leave us alone, but He never does . . . the truth is--He is NOT like us.