At the young age of nine I had heard for the first time what Christ had done for all mankind and what salvation was, and in that moment I had decided I wanted to pray to receive Christ as my Saviour. I had changes in my heart and in my life, but somehow, more recently, I still struggled with doubts that I had truly understood at such a young age. I doubted because I didn't have a brokenness over the fact that I was a sinner and was in need of a Saviour. I heard what my brother wanted to do, asked what it was and said I wanted to do it too. Was I just "following the crowd"? Or did I truly understand what it meant to love God and to follow him . . . allowing him to take complete control over my heart and life.
A few years ago I had heard a preacher speaking about hell and eternal suffering and anguish . . . an eternity void of God. That night I tossed and turned all throughout the night. I was scared. More scared than I ever thought I could be, especially considering I was supposed to be a child of God. What reason had I to fear such things? I so badly wanted to talk to someone about it, but I just put it off.
On October 30, 2011 I was sitting in the Sunday evening service listening to pastor preach about being sons of God. I sat there thinking about all the doubts I had . . . how I doubted whether or not I was a child of God. Tears were beginning to fill my eyes as I sat there in torment. During invitation we sang "What Will You Do With Jesus".
"Jesus is standing in Pilate's hall,
Friendless, forsaken, betrayed by all:
Hearken! what meaneth the sudden call!
'What will you do with Jesus?'
What will you do with Jesus?
Neutral you cannot be;
Someday your heart will be asking,
'What will He do with me?'
Jesus is standing on trial still,
You can be false to Him if you will,
You can faithful thro' good or ill:
What will you do with Jesus?
What will you do with Jesus?
Neutral you cannot be;
Someday your heart will be asking,
'What will He do with me?'
Will you evade him as Pilate tried?
Or will you choose him, what e'er betide?
Vainly you struggle from him to hide:
What will you do with Jesus?
What will you do with Jesus?
Neutral you cannot be;
Someday your heart will be asking,
'What will He do with me?'
Will you like Peter, your Lord deny?
Or will you scorn from His foes to fly,
Daring for Jesus to live or die?
What will you do with Jesus?
What will you do with Jesus?
Neutral you cannot be;
Someday your heart will be asking,
'What will He do with me?'"
I was singing this hymn that I have grown up singing, realizing that I had NEVER listened to the words. Tears started falling down my face as I sung "Neutral you cannot be, Someday your heart will be asking, what will He do with me". What would he do with me? Would he say depart from me, I never knew you when we meet face to face? Or would he welcome me with open arms.
I had an urgency to talk to pastor about what I was feeling. To tell him of my doubts and to ask the questions that had tormented my mind for the past few years. How do you know if you are truly saved? Anyone can "walk the walk" or "talk the talk", but how do you KNOW that it is real? How do you know you truly had gotten saved . . . especially with the fact that the decision to accept Christ as Saviour was so long ago and I was so young . . . I can hardly remember the experience.
That night I sat with pastor in his office and discussed this issue. Neither of us know for sure whether I was truly saved or not, but that night we knelt together and he lead me in prayer to receive Christ as my Saviour. I may never know for sure if I was saved at that young age of nine, but now I know FOR SURE and I can sing the last verse to the beautiful hymn without any doubt or hesitation!
"'Jesus, I give Thee my heart today!
Jesus, I'll follow Thee all the way,
Gladly obeying Thee!' Will you say:
'This will I do with Jesus!'"
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Reality
Reality hit me today. The truth was said and it struck me so hard that tears wanted to fall.
I held it in, but I took what was said and am trying to find a solution.
I went to talk to the college counselor today and somewhere in the midst of our conversation she said to me "you know what your problem has always been? You never want to put in the time."
It really opened my eyes to hear someone who hardly knows me tell me something like that. If she can see it, so can everyone else around me. I don't want to be seen like that.
For years I have been searching for the path I am supposed to follow. The direction that screams out to me telling me I'm where I'm supposed to be. I haven't found that yet. I get discouraged and overwhelmed and I give up.
I used to never give up.
I'd try and try and try until I would finally achieve my goal. I knew I struggled with learning, but I used to fight so that I could prove to myself and everyone around me that I am still worth something.
Somewhere down the road I lost that. I lost the ambition for anything and everything. I give up at the first sight of a struggle.
I am done.
I want to know I can start something and really finish it . . . not just say it, but really do it!
I was talking about this very thing with a very good friend of mine. He said something that I really liked. He told me "just remember success is not measured by the size of your goal but it is measured by whether you completed it".
I am in the process of setting up an education plan. Lately, I have only been doing one or two classes at a time using the excuse that I get too overwhelmed. It is overwhelming, but if other people can do it, why can't I?I did it my first semester. What happened?
Right now I am trying to decide whether I want to go for an associates degree or just for a certificate. I think I'm leaning toward going for an associates.
If I can go full-time from now on I should be able to finish in a couple years.
I'm going to study in CIS (Computer Information Systems). I'm really hoping this will be good enough to get me into a job. We'll see.
There have been so many times that I have said I want to do better, I just really hope and pray that this time I can truly turn around my way of thinking.
I want there to be a difference. I want to be reliable and want others to see me and know that I will finish whatever it is I start. I know it's somewhere inside of me just waiting to come back out.
This is definitely going to take a lot of hard work and a lot of prayer, but I'm ready for it.
I held it in, but I took what was said and am trying to find a solution.
I went to talk to the college counselor today and somewhere in the midst of our conversation she said to me "you know what your problem has always been? You never want to put in the time."
It really opened my eyes to hear someone who hardly knows me tell me something like that. If she can see it, so can everyone else around me. I don't want to be seen like that.
For years I have been searching for the path I am supposed to follow. The direction that screams out to me telling me I'm where I'm supposed to be. I haven't found that yet. I get discouraged and overwhelmed and I give up.
I used to never give up.
I'd try and try and try until I would finally achieve my goal. I knew I struggled with learning, but I used to fight so that I could prove to myself and everyone around me that I am still worth something.
Somewhere down the road I lost that. I lost the ambition for anything and everything. I give up at the first sight of a struggle.
I am done.
I want to know I can start something and really finish it . . . not just say it, but really do it!
I was talking about this very thing with a very good friend of mine. He said something that I really liked. He told me "just remember success is not measured by the size of your goal but it is measured by whether you completed it".
I am in the process of setting up an education plan. Lately, I have only been doing one or two classes at a time using the excuse that I get too overwhelmed. It is overwhelming, but if other people can do it, why can't I?I did it my first semester. What happened?
Right now I am trying to decide whether I want to go for an associates degree or just for a certificate. I think I'm leaning toward going for an associates.
If I can go full-time from now on I should be able to finish in a couple years.
I'm going to study in CIS (Computer Information Systems). I'm really hoping this will be good enough to get me into a job. We'll see.
There have been so many times that I have said I want to do better, I just really hope and pray that this time I can truly turn around my way of thinking.
I want there to be a difference. I want to be reliable and want others to see me and know that I will finish whatever it is I start. I know it's somewhere inside of me just waiting to come back out.
This is definitely going to take a lot of hard work and a lot of prayer, but I'm ready for it.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
One Year
If you were told you had one year left to live . . . what would you do?
How would you live it?
What would you be thinking and feeling?
These questions have been going through my mind ever since I heard the news that my grandpa has a rare cancer that cannot be operated on . . . leaving him with only about one year left to live.
I definitely do not know how I would react to such a difficult situation. Would I fall apart? Or would I stay strong until the very end . . . doing all I can to make that one year really count?
Another question that consumes my mind is . . .
What do you do when someone you love with all your heart only has one year left to live?
Lately, I have been extremely distraught over the news of my grandpa's recently found cancer. I cried just at the thought of life without him when I heard what the doctor had told him.
I always imagined my grandpa being at my wedding whenever that special day would come for me.
I pictured him there when I have my first child, if God ever blesses me with any. Holding him/her in his lap and playing around just like he would do when I was a small child.
I have so many wonderful memories that I will hold onto and cherish forever.
In the time that I have left with my grandpa I want to take in every moment that I spend with him. I want to see his smiling face and etch it in my mind and heart so that I'll never forget it.
I cannot . . . MUST NOT let the sadness consume the time I spend with him.
I want to make this time count . . .
How would you live it?
What would you be thinking and feeling?
These questions have been going through my mind ever since I heard the news that my grandpa has a rare cancer that cannot be operated on . . . leaving him with only about one year left to live.
I definitely do not know how I would react to such a difficult situation. Would I fall apart? Or would I stay strong until the very end . . . doing all I can to make that one year really count?
Another question that consumes my mind is . . .
What do you do when someone you love with all your heart only has one year left to live?
Lately, I have been extremely distraught over the news of my grandpa's recently found cancer. I cried just at the thought of life without him when I heard what the doctor had told him.
I always imagined my grandpa being at my wedding whenever that special day would come for me.
I pictured him there when I have my first child, if God ever blesses me with any. Holding him/her in his lap and playing around just like he would do when I was a small child.
I have so many wonderful memories that I will hold onto and cherish forever.
In the time that I have left with my grandpa I want to take in every moment that I spend with him. I want to see his smiling face and etch it in my mind and heart so that I'll never forget it.
I cannot . . . MUST NOT let the sadness consume the time I spend with him.
I want to make this time count . . .
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Sometimes . . .
Sometimes things don't turn out the way you always thought or expected they would.
Sometimes our heart breaks and we don't understand what good can come of it.
Sometimes everything around us seems to be changing and we don't recognize what we are to do in our life anymore.
Sometimes we feel alone.
But the reality of it is . . . God is still there and HE knows where we are to go. He will never change. We just need to trust him and follow where he leads us . . . even when we are surrounded by the fog.
A very good friend of mine said to me . . .
"I know it looks like nothing will be the same but I can tell you it may not but what God has planned is much better."
I really needed to hear that.
So thankful to have a never changing, all knowing, caring and loving God. I am so blessed.
I am extremely grateful to have a wonderful family and godly friends who always remind me of God's hand in everything!
Sometimes our heart breaks and we don't understand what good can come of it.
Sometimes everything around us seems to be changing and we don't recognize what we are to do in our life anymore.
Sometimes we feel alone.
But the reality of it is . . . God is still there and HE knows where we are to go. He will never change. We just need to trust him and follow where he leads us . . . even when we are surrounded by the fog.
A very good friend of mine said to me . . .
"I know it looks like nothing will be the same but I can tell you it may not but what God has planned is much better."
I really needed to hear that.
So thankful to have a never changing, all knowing, caring and loving God. I am so blessed.
I am extremely grateful to have a wonderful family and godly friends who always remind me of God's hand in everything!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Who I am and What Others Think of Me
I have spent most of my life measuring myself by what others thought of me . . .
If I wasn't liked by someone . . . "there must be something wrong with me".
If someone disagreed with something I did or said . . .I felt like a horrible person.
If I was loved and accepted by others . . . I felt as though I must be okay.
It was as if I let the thoughts and feelings others had toward me define and "make" me who I was. Obviously, I know that I wasn't what others thought of me, it was just something going on in my mind, but I did let this thought process take over my life. The sad part is that I let the negative feelings rule over anything possitive.
You know . . . I have lived my life like this all the way up until now. I have been miserable. I know what is right. I know that I am who God made me to be . . . I know that HE makes NO mistakes, but somehow I allow the thoughts of other people bring me down.
Lately, I have been having some difficulty with someone who didn't like something I said. Hearts were hurt. Friendships were broken and lost -- shattered into pieces. I couldn't understand it, so once again I let this situation bring me down. I allowed it to, again, "define" who I am. Someone disliked something, so I immediately let these thoughts and feelings that were against me make me feel as though I was a terrible human being.
The truth is . . . I am a child of God. I make mistakes just like everyone else, but these mistakes or misunderstandings DO NOT make me who I am. Who I am in Christ is what defines me.
I have decided that if I want to live life without being miserable half the time, I need to stop measuring myself up to what others think of me. I need to recognize the difference between who I am and what others feel about me.
I just need to focus on the one that matters most . . . God
If I wasn't liked by someone . . . "there must be something wrong with me".
If someone disagreed with something I did or said . . .I felt like a horrible person.
If I was loved and accepted by others . . . I felt as though I must be okay.
It was as if I let the thoughts and feelings others had toward me define and "make" me who I was. Obviously, I know that I wasn't what others thought of me, it was just something going on in my mind, but I did let this thought process take over my life. The sad part is that I let the negative feelings rule over anything possitive.
You know . . . I have lived my life like this all the way up until now. I have been miserable. I know what is right. I know that I am who God made me to be . . . I know that HE makes NO mistakes, but somehow I allow the thoughts of other people bring me down.
Lately, I have been having some difficulty with someone who didn't like something I said. Hearts were hurt. Friendships were broken and lost -- shattered into pieces. I couldn't understand it, so once again I let this situation bring me down. I allowed it to, again, "define" who I am. Someone disliked something, so I immediately let these thoughts and feelings that were against me make me feel as though I was a terrible human being.
The truth is . . . I am a child of God. I make mistakes just like everyone else, but these mistakes or misunderstandings DO NOT make me who I am. Who I am in Christ is what defines me.
I have decided that if I want to live life without being miserable half the time, I need to stop measuring myself up to what others think of me. I need to recognize the difference between who I am and what others feel about me.
I just need to focus on the one that matters most . . . God
Friday, September 16, 2011
Just Follow
This past Sunday, pastor preached about following God not matter what. It doesn't matter if we can see where he is going or where he's taking us. Sometimes we have a hard time trusting Him. We want all the wrinkles ironed out and everything set out in front of us . . . then maybe we'll follow him.
I really loved hearing what he had to say on the matter. I feel as though I do not trust God nearly as much as I should. It makes me doubt sometimes. I sometimes doubt that I am truly saved, and wonder how he could be so good to me still. In all reality, I know that I am saved. I know that I have been redeemed. But why can I not trust him with my whole life??
I find myself always thinking about the future and what I'm supposed to do in my life. I want to know every detail. I want to know that I am heading in the right direction and know when and where to turn. I think of all the "wrong turns" I have made in life, and of how I have so often felt so lost because of all the different directions I went in constantly trying to find my way and correct my wrong turns.
How wrong I have been!
Only God can make things good. Only He can make correct the wrongs I have done. Only He can direct my paths and show me the way. I cannot do anything without Him.
That night I was talking with my parents. I was telling them how I feel so horrible that I have changed my mind so many times . . . how I've gone so many different directions thinking God wanted me to go in that certain direction only to find that He didn't really want that path for me -- it was only my short-lived desire. I asked how I'm supposed to know what path God wants for me. Then my mom looked at me and asked "Did you grow and mature from all those experiences?" To which I answered yes. "Then how could they have been wrong? How else are we supposed to grow and learn to trust God?" I never thought about it like that . . . that it was all a growing experience for me. God may or may not have wanted me to go every which way, but He takes everything and uses them to grow us and to teach us to trust Him through everything.
I don't want to feel lost anymore. I want to know and to trust that God knows exactly what he is doing. I just need to follow him whether or not I can see where we are going. Just follow.
I really loved hearing what he had to say on the matter. I feel as though I do not trust God nearly as much as I should. It makes me doubt sometimes. I sometimes doubt that I am truly saved, and wonder how he could be so good to me still. In all reality, I know that I am saved. I know that I have been redeemed. But why can I not trust him with my whole life??
I find myself always thinking about the future and what I'm supposed to do in my life. I want to know every detail. I want to know that I am heading in the right direction and know when and where to turn. I think of all the "wrong turns" I have made in life, and of how I have so often felt so lost because of all the different directions I went in constantly trying to find my way and correct my wrong turns.
How wrong I have been!
Only God can make things good. Only He can make correct the wrongs I have done. Only He can direct my paths and show me the way. I cannot do anything without Him.
That night I was talking with my parents. I was telling them how I feel so horrible that I have changed my mind so many times . . . how I've gone so many different directions thinking God wanted me to go in that certain direction only to find that He didn't really want that path for me -- it was only my short-lived desire. I asked how I'm supposed to know what path God wants for me. Then my mom looked at me and asked "Did you grow and mature from all those experiences?" To which I answered yes. "Then how could they have been wrong? How else are we supposed to grow and learn to trust God?" I never thought about it like that . . . that it was all a growing experience for me. God may or may not have wanted me to go every which way, but He takes everything and uses them to grow us and to teach us to trust Him through everything.
I don't want to feel lost anymore. I want to know and to trust that God knows exactly what he is doing. I just need to follow him whether or not I can see where we are going. Just follow.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Finding "Acceptance of Self" Through God
All my life I have been insecure in who I am. In my mind I was never good enough for anything. I didn't think I deserved to have friends or to be loved by anyone.
As a teenager, I wanted to feel accepted. I couldn't accept myself, so I wanted to find acceptance from someone else . . . then maybe I'd be alright and could finally be happy with who I am. I didn't have many friends as I was growing up, which made me feel even less of a decent person.
As I transitioned from girl to woman, I soon discovered that my thought process was all wrong. I didn't need to be accepted. I needed to trust in God. I needed to realize that God makes no mistakes . . . not even when He made me. When I wouldn't accept who I was, I was not accepting the amazing love and power of God.
Someone once asked me if when I see a tree or a flower do I think it's perfect. I answered with an enthusiastic “yes!”. He then asked me why. I thought for a moment and answered “because God made it . . . and he made them so beautifully”. He looked at me with a smile on his face. At that moment I realized that God makes all things beautiful.
I still struggled often.
I have been getting convicted a lot lately. I have been reading in my Bible about how that we are supposed to give God all the glory in everything. When I felt like I wasn't good enough . . . the truth is . . . I wasn't good enough. If I had been prideful and thought I was great, I could easily try to take in all the glory, when it truly belongs to God. We are never good enough on our own. I needed to humble myself before God, and trust what he is doing in my life.
God has blessed me so much throughout my life. From the very beginning when He brought me into a wonderful, loving, caring family . . . who has loved and accepted me from the very first day. I never could see all the many blessings God has given me . . . or maybe I just took them for granted.
Now I am learning to completely lean on God . . . keeping in mind that I am nothing without Him. He has made me who I am, and He has saved my soul and made me complete.
As a teenager, I wanted to feel accepted. I couldn't accept myself, so I wanted to find acceptance from someone else . . . then maybe I'd be alright and could finally be happy with who I am. I didn't have many friends as I was growing up, which made me feel even less of a decent person.
As I transitioned from girl to woman, I soon discovered that my thought process was all wrong. I didn't need to be accepted. I needed to trust in God. I needed to realize that God makes no mistakes . . . not even when He made me. When I wouldn't accept who I was, I was not accepting the amazing love and power of God.
Someone once asked me if when I see a tree or a flower do I think it's perfect. I answered with an enthusiastic “yes!”. He then asked me why. I thought for a moment and answered “because God made it . . . and he made them so beautifully”. He looked at me with a smile on his face. At that moment I realized that God makes all things beautiful.
I still struggled often.
I have been getting convicted a lot lately. I have been reading in my Bible about how that we are supposed to give God all the glory in everything. When I felt like I wasn't good enough . . . the truth is . . . I wasn't good enough. If I had been prideful and thought I was great, I could easily try to take in all the glory, when it truly belongs to God. We are never good enough on our own. I needed to humble myself before God, and trust what he is doing in my life.
God has blessed me so much throughout my life. From the very beginning when He brought me into a wonderful, loving, caring family . . . who has loved and accepted me from the very first day. I never could see all the many blessings God has given me . . . or maybe I just took them for granted.
Now I am learning to completely lean on God . . . keeping in mind that I am nothing without Him. He has made me who I am, and He has saved my soul and made me complete.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Spending Time With God
This evening my family and I went to Barnes and Noble to find a good devotional to use each morning. I have a strong desire to spend time with God each day, but I never know where to start.
We looked through so many different devotionals from various different authors. I was saddened by some that I came across. There was one that read "one minute devotions to begin each day". Has the world become so busy that we can only give God one minute of our time a day? I believe that no matter how busy a child of God is, that they should make time to sit down and really spend time in prayer and in His word. I, myself, am guilty of not giving much time to spend with God.
In Psalm 42 verses 1 and 2, it says: As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. My sould thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God.
How many believers thirst after God like that, or desire to have a close relationship with him? How many of God's children actually take time to spend with Him so they can truly know Him and have a relationship with Him?
As I was going through all those devotionals, I was thinking a lot about myself and my relationship with the Lord. In the past thirteen years, since I got saved, how much have I really done for God? How much time have I actually spent getting to know MY Saviour? In the business of the day it is so easy to put other things before the Lord. We get tied up in work or in school . . . housework, and other daily chores or errands. I realize, though, that it is so important to spend time in God's word. The more time we spend with God, the closer our relationship with Him gets, the more we become like Him, and the stronger we are in Him.
Psalm 1:1-3 ~ Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.
And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.
Joshua 1:8 ~ This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.
My prayer is that I can do more for Christ and be more like him. I know I will never be perfect, but I can do my best and strive for it. I want the enthusiasm and extreme joy that a new-born believer has! It has been so long since I got saved, and I was pretty young, so I'm not sure about having had that kind of zeal for Christ . . . I may not have -- who knows . . . but one thing for sure is . . . I want that passion now!
Psalm 119:97-105 ~ O how love I thy law! it is my meditation all the day.
Thou through thy commandments hast made me wiser than mine enemies: for they are ever with me.
I have more understanding than all my teachers: for thy testimonies are my meditation.
I understand more than the ancients, because I keep thy precepts.
I have refrained my feet from every evil way, that I might keep thy word.
I have not departed from thy judgments: for thou hast taught me.
How sweet are thy words unto my taste! yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth!
Through thy precepts I get understanding: therefore I hate every false way.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
We looked through so many different devotionals from various different authors. I was saddened by some that I came across. There was one that read "one minute devotions to begin each day". Has the world become so busy that we can only give God one minute of our time a day? I believe that no matter how busy a child of God is, that they should make time to sit down and really spend time in prayer and in His word. I, myself, am guilty of not giving much time to spend with God.
In Psalm 42 verses 1 and 2, it says: As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. My sould thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God.
How many believers thirst after God like that, or desire to have a close relationship with him? How many of God's children actually take time to spend with Him so they can truly know Him and have a relationship with Him?
As I was going through all those devotionals, I was thinking a lot about myself and my relationship with the Lord. In the past thirteen years, since I got saved, how much have I really done for God? How much time have I actually spent getting to know MY Saviour? In the business of the day it is so easy to put other things before the Lord. We get tied up in work or in school . . . housework, and other daily chores or errands. I realize, though, that it is so important to spend time in God's word. The more time we spend with God, the closer our relationship with Him gets, the more we become like Him, and the stronger we are in Him.
Psalm 1:1-3 ~ Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.
And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.
Joshua 1:8 ~ This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.
My prayer is that I can do more for Christ and be more like him. I know I will never be perfect, but I can do my best and strive for it. I want the enthusiasm and extreme joy that a new-born believer has! It has been so long since I got saved, and I was pretty young, so I'm not sure about having had that kind of zeal for Christ . . . I may not have -- who knows . . . but one thing for sure is . . . I want that passion now!
Psalm 119:97-105 ~ O how love I thy law! it is my meditation all the day.
Thou through thy commandments hast made me wiser than mine enemies: for they are ever with me.
I have more understanding than all my teachers: for thy testimonies are my meditation.
I understand more than the ancients, because I keep thy precepts.
I have refrained my feet from every evil way, that I might keep thy word.
I have not departed from thy judgments: for thou hast taught me.
How sweet are thy words unto my taste! yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth!
Through thy precepts I get understanding: therefore I hate every false way.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Lost Reality
To see a smile on my mother's face once more --
To hear her joyous laughter.
Oh how it hurts me so deep within.
One moment she is laughing,
Only to fade again into the darkness.
Her face so pale . . . her eyes so sad.
I can hardly bear it.
She's lost in another world --
A lost reality.
A place lost deep inside her mind.
It's all too familiar to me as well,
But it is a place I cannot reach her.
It holds nothing but darkness and fear.
I feel as though I've lost her.
I have never felt so alone.
Oh, Lord! Bring my mother back to me!
Make her whole again.
Bring her back to me . . .
Five years ago my mommy started slipping into a deep depression. In only a year she was totally lost to a nervous breakdown. The above was written when she was at her worst. I wrote it to express what I was feeling at the time. I felt helpless as I watched my mother slip deeper and deeper into depression. I, too, struggle with depression. I never got as severe as my momma did, but I could relate easily to the world my mom lived in, locked up deep in the mind. I wished that I could somehow help her out of the darkness, but I knew only God could do that. She stayed in bed most her days . . . either sleeping or crying under her covers. Whenever daddy could get her out of bed, she would sit on the couch staring off at nothing at all. I have been lead to believe that seeing my mother like this -- all the fear and loneliness that I felt without having her truly there and responsive took me further into depression. I was so afraid that my family was going to fall apart before my eyes. I was afraid that I would never have my momma back. She is my best friend. I didn't know what I'd do without her. She gradually became more responsive, but still was not herself.
Five years of so much distress and constant worrying. Five years of missing my mother. Now . . . I am very happy to say that I finally have my mother back! The Lord has opened all the right doors and has allowed the doctor to find a solution that has now made her whole again. The Lord has answered my daily prayer! It was not at all the timing I was hoping for, but I can say that even though I never understood why my family had to endure so much, the Lord's timing is ALWAYS perfect! While going through this storm I feared for my family, but I am amazed and truly thankful that we came out even stronger than we ever were as a family. God used this situation to tighten the bond between all of us . . . and even to strengthen the relationship we have with Him.
Isaiah 55:8-11 ~ For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.
Isaiah 40:28-31 ~ Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.
He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Romans 8:28 ~ And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
True Heroes
August 1, 2011 another soldier went home to be with the Lord. He (Leon Lucas) and his family had attended the same church as me for a while, and he recently was deployed to Afghanistan where he gave everything for his country. I cried when I heard of his passing.
So often I forget whats going on in the world. I felt ashamed that I don't pay more attention to what's really going on. I see in the news occasionally that another soldier or two were killed in action. It never really seems real to me until it's someone I know. It's been so long that our troops have been overseas that it seems not that many people notice what is still happening over there.
The Lucas family has been in my thoughts and prayers ever since I heard of Leon's sacrifice. The night of his death I could not sleep. I kept thinking about his family -- his wife, his two sons, and the other one soon on the way. I kept thinking about what they must be feeling, but I couldn't even imagine, I could only try. I didn't know them very well, but I always saw them as a sweet, godly family.
Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to write. As a bunch of jumbled thoughts raced through my mind, I did my best to write it out. I wrote with two men in particular in mind. Leon Lucas . . . and Timothy Watkins. I still remember the night (October 15, 2005) when my family got a call late at night from our pastor. The night he told us his son, Timothy Watkins, was killed in action. We all shed tears that night, and no one slept much at all. I have never forgotten the sacrifice he made.
I wanted to share what I wrote that night . . .
The Soldier
A family sits at home praying for a safe return. They look forward to each call they can receive from him, and fear the one that will break their heart. A mother sits anxiously, praying her son will be okay. A wife lies alone at night wishing he was right there beside her. A child calls “Daddy!” in the dark of the night, having woken from a bad dream. A mother fears her baby may never meet their daddy.
He sits in the heat of the sun, while thoughts of his family fill his mind. He wants nothing more than to be with his loved ones, and dreams of the day he will see them again. He hasn't seen them in months, but knows his duty is to protect his country. Day after day he fights to give us freedom. Always alert of his surroundings, never knowing when his last breath will be . . . or if he will even see tomorrow.
So many of these men have given everything . . . These soldiers – these heroes. Everyday another fallen soldier is mourned over. Everyday a family dreams of the day they will see him again in Heaven. May we remember these men always – these soldiers . . . these true heroes.
America's Hero
They are dreaming of the day they will see him again.
No one could have known today would be the end.
He gave everything to protect his country –
To keep America free.
I wish for all the world to see . . .
These men who gave their lives are heroes,
So is the family who suffers such great woes.
You never get something for nothing . . .
Freedom is never free.
It is said of America to be
“The home of the free and the land of the brave.”
What do you tell the family who stands before a grave?
There are no words to ease their pain –
Nothing to fill the void in their lives where their loved one once was.
America truly is the land of the brave . . .
With all the love, support, and sacrifice of each soldier's family,
And all that these men gave –
The bravery is displayed for all to see.
So many people have their own heroes. They have their favorite artist . . . their favorite actor/actress, or favorite athlete who they idolize or say are their heroes. But what have they really done to make them a hero? Sure, they may sing pretty or cool . . . they may be the best actor/actress of the year, or be able to score a touchdown, but what have they really done to deserve the title "hero"?
To me a hero is someone who willingly gives of him/herself for others. I don't only think that the fallen soldiers are true heroes, but also the men and women who join the military knowing the risks and still continue on.
In the dictionary a hero is . . .
"Any man noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose; especially, one who has risked or sacrificed his life."
Thinking on all these things brings Christ to mind. He is a true hero. The ultimate hero. He sacrificed his life willingly to save all mankind. He lived his life knowing that he would die for the world . . . for the people who put him on the cross to suffer and die. He took on all the sins of the world, so that we can have eternal life in Him. If you don't know Christ personally, I would encourage you to do so. You never know when your last breath will be.
May we always remember these true heroes and their families.
So often I forget whats going on in the world. I felt ashamed that I don't pay more attention to what's really going on. I see in the news occasionally that another soldier or two were killed in action. It never really seems real to me until it's someone I know. It's been so long that our troops have been overseas that it seems not that many people notice what is still happening over there.
The Lucas family has been in my thoughts and prayers ever since I heard of Leon's sacrifice. The night of his death I could not sleep. I kept thinking about his family -- his wife, his two sons, and the other one soon on the way. I kept thinking about what they must be feeling, but I couldn't even imagine, I could only try. I didn't know them very well, but I always saw them as a sweet, godly family.
Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to write. As a bunch of jumbled thoughts raced through my mind, I did my best to write it out. I wrote with two men in particular in mind. Leon Lucas . . . and Timothy Watkins. I still remember the night (October 15, 2005) when my family got a call late at night from our pastor. The night he told us his son, Timothy Watkins, was killed in action. We all shed tears that night, and no one slept much at all. I have never forgotten the sacrifice he made.
I wanted to share what I wrote that night . . .
The Soldier
A family sits at home praying for a safe return. They look forward to each call they can receive from him, and fear the one that will break their heart. A mother sits anxiously, praying her son will be okay. A wife lies alone at night wishing he was right there beside her. A child calls “Daddy!” in the dark of the night, having woken from a bad dream. A mother fears her baby may never meet their daddy.
He sits in the heat of the sun, while thoughts of his family fill his mind. He wants nothing more than to be with his loved ones, and dreams of the day he will see them again. He hasn't seen them in months, but knows his duty is to protect his country. Day after day he fights to give us freedom. Always alert of his surroundings, never knowing when his last breath will be . . . or if he will even see tomorrow.
So many of these men have given everything . . . These soldiers – these heroes. Everyday another fallen soldier is mourned over. Everyday a family dreams of the day they will see him again in Heaven. May we remember these men always – these soldiers . . . these true heroes.
America's Hero
They are dreaming of the day they will see him again.
No one could have known today would be the end.
He gave everything to protect his country –
To keep America free.
I wish for all the world to see . . .
These men who gave their lives are heroes,
So is the family who suffers such great woes.
You never get something for nothing . . .
Freedom is never free.
It is said of America to be
“The home of the free and the land of the brave.”
What do you tell the family who stands before a grave?
There are no words to ease their pain –
Nothing to fill the void in their lives where their loved one once was.
America truly is the land of the brave . . .
With all the love, support, and sacrifice of each soldier's family,
And all that these men gave –
The bravery is displayed for all to see.
So many people have their own heroes. They have their favorite artist . . . their favorite actor/actress, or favorite athlete who they idolize or say are their heroes. But what have they really done to make them a hero? Sure, they may sing pretty or cool . . . they may be the best actor/actress of the year, or be able to score a touchdown, but what have they really done to deserve the title "hero"?
To me a hero is someone who willingly gives of him/herself for others. I don't only think that the fallen soldiers are true heroes, but also the men and women who join the military knowing the risks and still continue on.
In the dictionary a hero is . . .
"Any man noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose; especially, one who has risked or sacrificed his life."
Thinking on all these things brings Christ to mind. He is a true hero. The ultimate hero. He sacrificed his life willingly to save all mankind. He lived his life knowing that he would die for the world . . . for the people who put him on the cross to suffer and die. He took on all the sins of the world, so that we can have eternal life in Him. If you don't know Christ personally, I would encourage you to do so. You never know when your last breath will be.
May we always remember these true heroes and their families.
Friday, July 22, 2011
A Goal Worth Reaching
I have a new goal I'm trying to head for.
The past several years it has been a constant battle.
I have fought against a wall that seemed impossible to break through . . . a wall I thought I had to surrender to.
A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression and was immediately put on medications. Quite rapidly I began to gain weight from the medications. Nothing changed with my eating habits. I was just doomed to face this battle against my weight. There was no escaping it.
I tried different diets and exercised as much as I thought I could get by with. But I never had much success.
Eventually, I just gave up. I didn't want to fight anymore.
Over the course of about 2 years I gained 65 pounds, which only drove me into depression more. I would constantly cry over how ugly I thought I looked. How I thought I was worthless and no one would ever love me like this. (I would remember how that when I was thinner guys paid more attention to me . . . I felt that no man would ever take the chance to get to know me now. Maybe it was a good thing . . . I shouldn't want that kind of attention. I don't want anyone to like me for what I look like. But that's a whole other story.)
I have decided that I am done with that. I'm done with the pity party. I'm tired of seeing myself as ugly just because I gained weight. A bigger me doesn't mean an uglier me. However, I do want to do all I can to get back down to a healthy weight.
Every day I run a couple miles and I am doing my best to eat better. No more carbs or sweets. Mostly just protein . . . and drinking lots of water! I feel like I may be fighting still . . . the reason I gained weight is still there, but I'm hoping and praying that with continuing the fight I can be successful in being healthy.
The past several years it has been a constant battle.
I have fought against a wall that seemed impossible to break through . . . a wall I thought I had to surrender to.
A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression and was immediately put on medications. Quite rapidly I began to gain weight from the medications. Nothing changed with my eating habits. I was just doomed to face this battle against my weight. There was no escaping it.
I tried different diets and exercised as much as I thought I could get by with. But I never had much success.
Eventually, I just gave up. I didn't want to fight anymore.
Over the course of about 2 years I gained 65 pounds, which only drove me into depression more. I would constantly cry over how ugly I thought I looked. How I thought I was worthless and no one would ever love me like this. (I would remember how that when I was thinner guys paid more attention to me . . . I felt that no man would ever take the chance to get to know me now. Maybe it was a good thing . . . I shouldn't want that kind of attention. I don't want anyone to like me for what I look like. But that's a whole other story.)
I have decided that I am done with that. I'm done with the pity party. I'm tired of seeing myself as ugly just because I gained weight. A bigger me doesn't mean an uglier me. However, I do want to do all I can to get back down to a healthy weight.
Every day I run a couple miles and I am doing my best to eat better. No more carbs or sweets. Mostly just protein . . . and drinking lots of water! I feel like I may be fighting still . . . the reason I gained weight is still there, but I'm hoping and praying that with continuing the fight I can be successful in being healthy.
Monday, June 20, 2011
¡Dios te Bendiga!
A common greeting we use in the Spanish ministry at church.
A couple years back, more like five or six years back, my dad surrendered himself to serve God in the ministry. He had a burden to reach the Spanish speaking people of this small little town, and bring them to Christ. He began a Spanish Sunday school class at church, which began with only two people to show up each week. Occasionally new people would come, but it seemed people were just always coming and going.
Over the years we have gained a few people who came consistently.
Eventually, my dad saw the need to start a service as well as having the Sunday school class. There still weren't many people, but my dad never gave up. We held a service just like any other -- singing songs, having special music, and of course praying and preaching. My sister plays the piano, another young lady from the Spanish ministry plays the guitar, and I play my clarinet.
It amazes me to think back on how it all started.
This past Sunday we had twenty-six people in service! I do believe that was the most we have ever had in there at a time. The room was full almost to its limit! I love sitting there in my chair in the front of the room playing my clarinet while the other musicians play and the whole congregation sings. It is such a blessing to me to hear the sound of so many voices singing together . . . especially when I saw it when it all began. I saw when our family made up most of the class. I saw when we had to sing without music, and when we began to sing only with guitar to accompany us.
I love these people almost like they were part of my family. I don't speak Spanish, but they all try so hard to communicate anyway. I really wish I could speak Spanish, but I haven't reached that point yet.
I can't wait to watch as it grows even more.
¡Dios te bendiga!
A couple years back, more like five or six years back, my dad surrendered himself to serve God in the ministry. He had a burden to reach the Spanish speaking people of this small little town, and bring them to Christ. He began a Spanish Sunday school class at church, which began with only two people to show up each week. Occasionally new people would come, but it seemed people were just always coming and going.
Over the years we have gained a few people who came consistently.
Eventually, my dad saw the need to start a service as well as having the Sunday school class. There still weren't many people, but my dad never gave up. We held a service just like any other -- singing songs, having special music, and of course praying and preaching. My sister plays the piano, another young lady from the Spanish ministry plays the guitar, and I play my clarinet.
It amazes me to think back on how it all started.
This past Sunday we had twenty-six people in service! I do believe that was the most we have ever had in there at a time. The room was full almost to its limit! I love sitting there in my chair in the front of the room playing my clarinet while the other musicians play and the whole congregation sings. It is such a blessing to me to hear the sound of so many voices singing together . . . especially when I saw it when it all began. I saw when our family made up most of the class. I saw when we had to sing without music, and when we began to sing only with guitar to accompany us.
I love these people almost like they were part of my family. I don't speak Spanish, but they all try so hard to communicate anyway. I really wish I could speak Spanish, but I haven't reached that point yet.
I can't wait to watch as it grows even more.
¡Dios te bendiga!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
The Merciless Dark
I thought these days were behind me. I thought this cloudy darkness -- this overwhelming depression -- had left me.
I was wrong.
Some days I feel as though the darkness is swallowing me up and there is no way for me to escape. Inside I'm screaming -- scraping the ground for some kind of hold, but on the outside no person can hear or see.
I am lost inside myself.
This is something only God can comfort and ease.
Can I find the words to pray?
God, save me from this merciless darkness!
These are the only words I can attempt to scream. Can God hear my inward plea?
I was wrong.
Some days I feel as though the darkness is swallowing me up and there is no way for me to escape. Inside I'm screaming -- scraping the ground for some kind of hold, but on the outside no person can hear or see.
I am lost inside myself.
This is something only God can comfort and ease.
Can I find the words to pray?
God, save me from this merciless darkness!
These are the only words I can attempt to scream. Can God hear my inward plea?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Moments of Strength
Strength that comes from God, and God alone.This past week has been really hard emotionally. Just recently, my Tata (grandpa) took a turn for the worst. We have been to see him many times lately so we can see him as much as possible before he has to leave us. I always thought he was invincible -- I thought he'd live forever. Through the years he has had a lot of health problems -- mostly his heart, but he always makes it through . . . he is so strong. But this time -- it seems there is no getting better . . . just little moments of strength.
These days he just lays in bed sleeping, hardly stirring when approached with food or medicine. The air in the room is heavy, and it seems tears are so close to falling nearly all the time, while we sit there waiting for those moments that he opens his eyes and gives a slight gentle smile -- a smile that tells us he is happy to see us there . . . a smile that says "I love you" . . . then his eyes close again. As I sit there, I can't help but constantly watch his chest just to make sure he is still breathing. For the first time in my life I actually like hearing the snores of a sleeping person because to me it means life. My dad sits on one side of Tata while he reads the Bible to him in Spanish. Every time my daddy reads to him the Bible you can tell he is listening. Somehow it seems just after he has heard the Bible read for a little while he gets a miraculous moment of strength. He gets out of bed to eat with us and can actually feed himself.
Some days I wish I had an internal camera for the days I am without a camera right at hand -- it is so easy to miss "the moment" that you wish could stay etched into your mind for ever and never fade.
Yesterday I watched him carefully, each and every move . . . hoping to never forget these moments spent with him. I watched as he ate his soup then he smiled as he ate a french fry someone had given him. Unfortunately, these little moments of strength only last a little while . . . then he's tired and has to lay down again.
Right now I wish I had known how to speak Spanish as I was growing up. I have always known Tata loves me, but I wish I was actually able to have at least one conversation with him. I've always loved to get a smile from him because that's how I know -- he loves me.
Now when I go to hug him he doesn't hug back . . . he is too weak. But last night -- a moment I want to hold onto forever -- when I bent over him to give him a hug, he gently kissed me on the cheek.
I look forward to those moments of strength, and will cherish them forever.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Just Some Thoughts
I recently read a story by Tillie Olsen entitled "I Stand Here Ironing" for my American Literature class. It is about a mother discussing her daughter to someone who maybe works at the school the daughter is attending . . . it never really does specify. Through the whole conversation the mother is ironing. The person who came to speak to the mother was concerned about the young girl, so she wanted to find out more information about her. The mother tells the young girls life story. Throughout parts of the story I feel as though I can relate to the young girl . . . maybe not in such a dramatic way, but similar feelings just the same. I believe that the things this young girl felt is pretty much the way every young girl feels at some point . . . jealous, insecure, maybe a bit depressed -- and for some . . . like myself -- shy.
"I stand here ironing, and what you asked me moves tormented back and forth with the iron."
"I wish you would manage the time to come in and talk with me about your daughter. I'm sure you can help me understand her. She's a youngster who needs help and whom I'm deeply interested in helping."
In some ways it seemed that Emily, the daughter in the story, struggled with depression and just life in general at times. She sometimes didn't respond to love or the gentle comfort her mother tried to offer her. Depression can be noticed though different acts or lack of. Emily seemed to show it through the way she reacted toward her mother and others. It seemed she had a hard time letting people in.
"I used to try to hold and love her after she came back, but her body would stay stiff, and after a while she'd push away. She ate little. Food sickened her, and I think much of life too. Oh she had physical lightness and brightness, twinkling by on skates, bouncing like a ball up and down over the jump rope, skimming over the hill; but these were momentary."
Through a section of the story I could see the jealousy Emily had towards her younger sister Susan. It reminded me of the jealousy I have often felt towards my little sister. I love my sister to death. It's just that at times I feel like she is better than me . . . I feel like she got all the good looks, talent, and personality. She has the type of personality that everyone loves . . . bubbly and outgoing. While I'm quiet and shy. It can be hard sometimes not to compare yourself to others . . . I find it especially true when it comes to sisters. I don't even know why.
"Oh there are conflicts between the others too, each one human, needing, demanding, hurting taking -- but only between Emily and Susan, no, Emily toward Susan that corroding resentment. It seems so obvious on the surface, yet it is not obvious. Susan, the second child, Susan, golden- and curly-haired and chubby, quick and articulate and assured, everything in appearance and manner Emily was not . . . "
Just like every girl out there, Emily was insecure -- unsure of herself. There is always the feeling of "what if I do something stupid or make a fool out of myself" or the feeling of thinking that the person next to you is better than you in some way -- more pretty or talented. My whole life I have been insecure, but unlike many other girls . . . I lived by that -- everyone knew of my insecurities, I couldn't hide them.
"She was too vulnerable for that terrible world of youthful competition, of preening and parading, of constant measuring of yourself against every other, of envy, 'if I had that copper hair,' 'if I had that skin. . . .' she tormented herself enough about not looking like the others, there was enough of that unsureness, the having to be conscious of words before you speak, the constant caring -- what are they thinking of me?"
"She kept too much in herself, her life was such she had to keep too much in herself. My wisdom came too late. She has much to her and probably nothing will come of it. She is a child of her age, of depression, of war, of fear."
It was such an encouragement to me when I reached the end because many of us may have these feelings of depression, jealousy, and unsureness at some point -- but it doesn't have to be that way forever. There may be that one thing in your life that makes you "somebody". That one thing that brings the character within to life.
"Mother, I did it. I won; they gave me first prize; they clapped and clapped and wouldn't let me go."
"Now suddenly she was Somebody, and as imprisoned in her difference as she has been in anonymity."
After I finished reading this story and shared my notes with my professor, he went through the story just to make sure I fully understood it. He read aloud a few parts, and when he reached these lines towards the very end of the story I was very near tears. I will be okay . . . I will find my way.
"She is so lovely. Why did you want me to come at all? Why were you concerned? She will find her way."
"Let her be. So all that is in her will bloom -- but how many does it? . . . Only help her to know -- help to make it so there is cause for her to know -- that she is more than this dress on the ironing board, helpless before the iron."
I don't only feel depression, fear, jealousy, insecure or shy . . . that is who I am. I hate to admit it, but I let these feelings rule over me -- they imprison me and keep me from living my life to its fullest. But I'm not as helpless as I have believed myself to be -- I don't have to live by these feelings. I can overcome and triumph just as Emily did. She may be a fictional character, but this is a good example of what it is to overcome.
"I stand here ironing, and what you asked me moves tormented back and forth with the iron."
"I wish you would manage the time to come in and talk with me about your daughter. I'm sure you can help me understand her. She's a youngster who needs help and whom I'm deeply interested in helping."
In some ways it seemed that Emily, the daughter in the story, struggled with depression and just life in general at times. She sometimes didn't respond to love or the gentle comfort her mother tried to offer her. Depression can be noticed though different acts or lack of. Emily seemed to show it through the way she reacted toward her mother and others. It seemed she had a hard time letting people in.
"I used to try to hold and love her after she came back, but her body would stay stiff, and after a while she'd push away. She ate little. Food sickened her, and I think much of life too. Oh she had physical lightness and brightness, twinkling by on skates, bouncing like a ball up and down over the jump rope, skimming over the hill; but these were momentary."
Through a section of the story I could see the jealousy Emily had towards her younger sister Susan. It reminded me of the jealousy I have often felt towards my little sister. I love my sister to death. It's just that at times I feel like she is better than me . . . I feel like she got all the good looks, talent, and personality. She has the type of personality that everyone loves . . . bubbly and outgoing. While I'm quiet and shy. It can be hard sometimes not to compare yourself to others . . . I find it especially true when it comes to sisters. I don't even know why.
"Oh there are conflicts between the others too, each one human, needing, demanding, hurting taking -- but only between Emily and Susan, no, Emily toward Susan that corroding resentment. It seems so obvious on the surface, yet it is not obvious. Susan, the second child, Susan, golden- and curly-haired and chubby, quick and articulate and assured, everything in appearance and manner Emily was not . . . "
Just like every girl out there, Emily was insecure -- unsure of herself. There is always the feeling of "what if I do something stupid or make a fool out of myself" or the feeling of thinking that the person next to you is better than you in some way -- more pretty or talented. My whole life I have been insecure, but unlike many other girls . . . I lived by that -- everyone knew of my insecurities, I couldn't hide them.
"She was too vulnerable for that terrible world of youthful competition, of preening and parading, of constant measuring of yourself against every other, of envy, 'if I had that copper hair,' 'if I had that skin. . . .' she tormented herself enough about not looking like the others, there was enough of that unsureness, the having to be conscious of words before you speak, the constant caring -- what are they thinking of me?"
"She kept too much in herself, her life was such she had to keep too much in herself. My wisdom came too late. She has much to her and probably nothing will come of it. She is a child of her age, of depression, of war, of fear."
It was such an encouragement to me when I reached the end because many of us may have these feelings of depression, jealousy, and unsureness at some point -- but it doesn't have to be that way forever. There may be that one thing in your life that makes you "somebody". That one thing that brings the character within to life.
"Mother, I did it. I won; they gave me first prize; they clapped and clapped and wouldn't let me go."
"Now suddenly she was Somebody, and as imprisoned in her difference as she has been in anonymity."
After I finished reading this story and shared my notes with my professor, he went through the story just to make sure I fully understood it. He read aloud a few parts, and when he reached these lines towards the very end of the story I was very near tears. I will be okay . . . I will find my way.
"She is so lovely. Why did you want me to come at all? Why were you concerned? She will find her way."
"Let her be. So all that is in her will bloom -- but how many does it? . . . Only help her to know -- help to make it so there is cause for her to know -- that she is more than this dress on the ironing board, helpless before the iron."
I don't only feel depression, fear, jealousy, insecure or shy . . . that is who I am. I hate to admit it, but I let these feelings rule over me -- they imprison me and keep me from living my life to its fullest. But I'm not as helpless as I have believed myself to be -- I don't have to live by these feelings. I can overcome and triumph just as Emily did. She may be a fictional character, but this is a good example of what it is to overcome.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Frustration
There is a constant dream that consumes my nights. A dream of extreme frustration . . . a frustration that seems impossible to overcome. I stand before a high brick wall, which casts heavy shadows, covering the ground. I look up and think of how far I have come in my journey and feel overwhelmed at the obstacle that stands before me. I begin to pound on the wall hoping it will just disappear. I take a step back and push into it, but it does not move an inch. I step back further so as to get a running start, but still have no success. I grab onto a brick that sticks out further than the others and try to find a footing below. I struggle to climb over the tall brick wall, but fall at every attempt. I sit on the floor in tears of frustration and hopelessness. I feel I'll never make it anywhere . . . When I finally wake, I think about how this is exactly how I feel, not just in my dreams, but every day.
All my life I have struggled with learning. I read something and often times can't remember what it was about right when I have finished. With some things it seems that I don't pick anything up at all. Ever since I was a little girl, whenever I learn something new I forget the concept the very next day. I feel like with whatever I do I can only make it so far, until I reach the wall that is impossible to climb no matter how hard I try.
I love music . . . I love to sing and play the clarinet, but after I reached a certain point, I felt that I could not excel any further. I have not gotten any better in years.
With my photography, I feel like I have reached that point. I take better photos, but in my class we are working on our midterm, and I am finding that even though in my mind I kinda know what I am doing, I really actually don't because I can't even put it into words.
I am struggling in my other class as well. It is too much reading to be able to take much, if any, in. No matter how hard I try, I fail. It makes me feel stupid. I feel like I'm beating against that brick wall, and won't ever get anywhere.
All my life I have struggled with learning. I read something and often times can't remember what it was about right when I have finished. With some things it seems that I don't pick anything up at all. Ever since I was a little girl, whenever I learn something new I forget the concept the very next day. I feel like with whatever I do I can only make it so far, until I reach the wall that is impossible to climb no matter how hard I try.
I love music . . . I love to sing and play the clarinet, but after I reached a certain point, I felt that I could not excel any further. I have not gotten any better in years.
With my photography, I feel like I have reached that point. I take better photos, but in my class we are working on our midterm, and I am finding that even though in my mind I kinda know what I am doing, I really actually don't because I can't even put it into words.
I am struggling in my other class as well. It is too much reading to be able to take much, if any, in. No matter how hard I try, I fail. It makes me feel stupid. I feel like I'm beating against that brick wall, and won't ever get anywhere.
From Boy to Man
Today my brother got married. I'm still having a bit of a hard time taking it in. We grew up together, being best friends for many years . . .
Today, as I stood up there beside him and his bride, while they exchanged vows, I didn't see that little boy I grew up with any more . . . the little boy who for so long was my only friend in the world . . . the little boy who played with action figures and cars, and wanted to fly like batman -- jumping off couches just to see if he could. I didn't see the little boy who I had many fun adventures with, playing cops and robbers, or spies, or even the many "clubs" we started just because we thought it was cool.
Today, I saw a man . . . I saw a man who is truly in love. I saw a man who has grown to be such a wonderful godly person. I love this man. We may not be little kids anymore, but he will always hold that special place in my heart. I love you Rob! Congrats Rob and Beth!!
Today, as I stood up there beside him and his bride, while they exchanged vows, I didn't see that little boy I grew up with any more . . . the little boy who for so long was my only friend in the world . . . the little boy who played with action figures and cars, and wanted to fly like batman -- jumping off couches just to see if he could. I didn't see the little boy who I had many fun adventures with, playing cops and robbers, or spies, or even the many "clubs" we started just because we thought it was cool.
Today, I saw a man . . . I saw a man who is truly in love. I saw a man who has grown to be such a wonderful godly person. I love this man. We may not be little kids anymore, but he will always hold that special place in my heart. I love you Rob! Congrats Rob and Beth!!
Monday, March 14, 2011
A Never Ending Journey to Health
I just want this to be over. For years I have been having a lot of problems with my stomach . . . frequent stomach aches that can last weeks as well horrible pain in my right side. For years, no doctor could find anything wrong with me, then last October they found gallstones, so they removed my gallbladder. I was relieved . . . I thought maybe that would be the end of it. I was wrong. Since March 4th I have been in so much pain. Friday, the 4th, it started with being sore in the area where they operated . . . it kinda felt like the pain I had after my surgery before it was healed up. I thought maybe it was normal to still feel a little pain from time to time since it hasn't been that long since my surgery. So, I went the whole weekend feeling sore. Then I woke up Monday morning feeling very nauseous, and felt that way all day. Every day since then I have had a very bad stomach ache, no nausea, but a loss of appetite. I have hardly eaten anything since. This stomach ache is accompanied by the worse pain I have ever felt in my side . . . but this time it's lower than were my gallbladder used to be. I am also having some pain in my chest and sometimes feel it in my shoulder blades. I went to the doctor today and they had me get blood work done . . . they are checking out my liver, and they said it is very possible that I might have stones in the duct where my gallbladder used to be. I hope they find out what's going on soon, because this is just miserable.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Japan
I just wanted to write a post to say that my prayers are with Japan. It is so sad what is happening over there . . . it breaks my heart to see the damage in the pictures and videos. I can't even imagine the fright that all the people in Japan are experiencing. So many deaths and it seems the numbers just keep rising. I wish there was something I could do to at least comfort them, so I will do the only thing that I can do -- pray.
John 14:16 ~ And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever.
Psalm 9:9 ~ The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
John 14:16 ~ And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever.
Psalm 9:9 ~ The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Faithfulness of God
A month or so ago pastor preached a sermon about the faithfulness of God. It was so encouraging to me, so I wanted to post my notes here.
1 Corinthians 10:13
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
Our faith is rooted in a faithful God. He always keeps his word.
"I can resist anything but temptation." -- Oscar Wilde
Temptation pays a visit to us every day and there is always that struggle to resist it.
"No man knows how bad he really is until he tries to be good." -- C.S Lewis
In and of ourselves we cannot resist temptation, so we learn how bad we are . . . and we see how greatly we are in need of God's grace. Temptation always makes a promise to give something that will never really ever be fulfilled satisfactorily. Satan tempts us the same way he tempted Jesus -- the record is in Matthew 4. While Jesus was in the wilderness he was tempted of the devil. From the beginning it seems there has been a battle raging for the souls of men. And if your soul belongs to Jesus then you will face temptation.
It is not a sin to be tempted. Some people feel guilt often because they are tempted all the time. In Hebrews 2:18 we are told that Jesus was tempted like as we are, yet without sin. His temptation was just as real as what we face daily. No temptation hath taken you but such as is common to man -- you are not alone. Whatever temptations we face men have faced before us. Even though some of the people we face walk in with a smile and are happy they are often facing the same things too. But Jesus gives joy, and he gives victory. We are not to be characterized by our defeats, we are to be characterized by Jesus' victories -- we are to be characterized by what he is in our lives. Temptation is a common experience in every Christians life . . . you will never stop being tempted no matter how "mature" you are as a Christian.
God will never put you in a situation where you have to sin. He knows how much we can handle and will not tempt us above what we are able to withstand. Sometimes we feel that the only way out is to sin, but that is not the case. The pressure may be enormous but God always provides a way to escape. Some people slide slowly into something and they feel so stuck in it that they think there is no way out. God's way out may not necessarily remove you from the temptation permanently, but he will put you in a position to endure it with grace. Sometimes we will be tempted over and over again, and each time God promises to give us what we need to resist successfully.
As we walk with the Lord we will discover that there is someone who absolutely desires to ruin our walk, ruin our testimony -- ruin our lives. We will find ourselves sorely pressed by the devil, but God is faithful. There is always a way out. Temptation properly resisted prepares us to do greater things for God. Temptation often comes when we least expect it to. Trust the Lord . . . He is faithful.
1 Corinthians 10:13
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
Our faith is rooted in a faithful God. He always keeps his word.
"I can resist anything but temptation." -- Oscar Wilde
Temptation pays a visit to us every day and there is always that struggle to resist it.
"No man knows how bad he really is until he tries to be good." -- C.S Lewis
In and of ourselves we cannot resist temptation, so we learn how bad we are . . . and we see how greatly we are in need of God's grace. Temptation always makes a promise to give something that will never really ever be fulfilled satisfactorily. Satan tempts us the same way he tempted Jesus -- the record is in Matthew 4. While Jesus was in the wilderness he was tempted of the devil. From the beginning it seems there has been a battle raging for the souls of men. And if your soul belongs to Jesus then you will face temptation.
It is not a sin to be tempted. Some people feel guilt often because they are tempted all the time. In Hebrews 2:18 we are told that Jesus was tempted like as we are, yet without sin. His temptation was just as real as what we face daily. No temptation hath taken you but such as is common to man -- you are not alone. Whatever temptations we face men have faced before us. Even though some of the people we face walk in with a smile and are happy they are often facing the same things too. But Jesus gives joy, and he gives victory. We are not to be characterized by our defeats, we are to be characterized by Jesus' victories -- we are to be characterized by what he is in our lives. Temptation is a common experience in every Christians life . . . you will never stop being tempted no matter how "mature" you are as a Christian.
God will never put you in a situation where you have to sin. He knows how much we can handle and will not tempt us above what we are able to withstand. Sometimes we feel that the only way out is to sin, but that is not the case. The pressure may be enormous but God always provides a way to escape. Some people slide slowly into something and they feel so stuck in it that they think there is no way out. God's way out may not necessarily remove you from the temptation permanently, but he will put you in a position to endure it with grace. Sometimes we will be tempted over and over again, and each time God promises to give us what we need to resist successfully.
As we walk with the Lord we will discover that there is someone who absolutely desires to ruin our walk, ruin our testimony -- ruin our lives. We will find ourselves sorely pressed by the devil, but God is faithful. There is always a way out. Temptation properly resisted prepares us to do greater things for God. Temptation often comes when we least expect it to. Trust the Lord . . . He is faithful.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Clarinet
The other day I was watching some videos on YouTube of the clarinet being played. There were some AWESOME clarinetists that I found. There was one in particular, Jorg Widmann, who played a song called "Fantasie" . . . it was amazing! The guy had great control over his clarinet, which left me in awe. Hearing all those clarinetists playing made me miss playing MY clarinet. I started playing the clarinet around the age of thirteen or fourteen. I taught myself for the most part, but began taking lessons a couple years later when I joined the Jr. Philharmonic. I only had lessons for a couple years off and on. I used to LOVE playing my clarinet . . . I would practice my clarinet for up to four or five hours every day! It was rare only to play an hour . . . that was only when I was just too busy. But I never played less than an hour a day. I was first clarinetist in the local Jr. Philharmonic . . . first out of two or three clarinetists. I was involved in several music competitions . . . never really placed . . . except for one time that there were only two contestant, that time I won second and third place for singing and clarinet. When I was eighteen I began having a lot of problems with my jaw and had to start wearing a splint on my lower jaw, which caused a lot of pain because it was forcing my jaw into the right position. So . . . sadly, I had to quit the orchestra and couldn't hardly play for several months because the pain was too great. After being out of playing for so long I had a hard time getting back into it, so I didn't even pick my clarinet back up for almost a year. I have tried getting back into it several times, but have failed every time. I play for church every Sunday, but that's it. I rarely pick it up otherwise. Right now I am having a hard time focusing on everything I love to do (playing the clarinet, singing, photography, and writing). It just seems like too many things to be able to do them all. I need to figure out a way to keep all these things in my life because they all mean so much to me. Today I played my clarinet for a little while . . . it was like I had never stopped. Music soothes me . . . I couldn't survive without it. I have uploaded a slide of pictures I have taken accompanied by a track of a song I played. There are a few mistakes, but it's decent.Friday, February 11, 2011
The Story of Life
Life is like a good book . . . it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. A good book is full of adventure, love, happiness, sadness, hate, pain, frustration, and failure . . . much like life. Each person has a unique story . . . and no one can see the whole story at once (aside from God) . . . you must survive one page at a time. Write your story so that it would be worth reading when life is over and you and God take a look at what you've done with your life. Make someone smile or laugh . . . share God's love, it is then that you'll see everything else between is worth it. Live one day at a time, taking each experience and growing from it. Write your life story so that when you enter into God's presence He will hold His arms out to you and say "Welcome home my child, well done."
So often I view life wrong. I want the good and easy things in life, but want to get by without any pain or frustration . . . or most of all -- failure. I, myself, am a writer . . . or at least try to be . . . I know that a book could not be any good if all it has is happiness and bliss. What would life be without pain, frustration or failure? We would never grow or mature -- we would never truly know what it means to live. Life is often hard, but when we trust God, we triumph and overcome the many obstacles that cloud our way. God never promised that life would be easy . . . we live in a world that is corrupt, how could it be easy? But God does promise that he would not leave us. Each experience we go through builds us up to be the person we are meant to be. I want my story to be one that would show God's love and power -- a story that my Saviour would be pleased with.
So often I view life wrong. I want the good and easy things in life, but want to get by without any pain or frustration . . . or most of all -- failure. I, myself, am a writer . . . or at least try to be . . . I know that a book could not be any good if all it has is happiness and bliss. What would life be without pain, frustration or failure? We would never grow or mature -- we would never truly know what it means to live. Life is often hard, but when we trust God, we triumph and overcome the many obstacles that cloud our way. God never promised that life would be easy . . . we live in a world that is corrupt, how could it be easy? But God does promise that he would not leave us. Each experience we go through builds us up to be the person we are meant to be. I want my story to be one that would show God's love and power -- a story that my Saviour would be pleased with.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Allowing God to do His Job
I have come to realize today that I feel very deeply when others suffer. It effects me almost as if I was the one struggling. I joy in trying to help others and often feel as though I have failed when the struggle continues within the other person. As I was sitting here tonight reading my Bible I realized that maybe I was taking these situations out of God's hands when I would feel as though I failed. I am to allow God to work through me . . . but I am nothing but a tool in His hand. I can speak truths and share what God's word says, but then the rest isn't up to me . . . it's up to HIM. After I have said all that I can, my part is then to pray diligently and let God do the rest. All along my intenstions may have been good, but I was not trusting GOD to do his part.
Monday, January 31, 2011
What Faith Can Do
I am now going through my third week of this semester and am still optimistic! I know it has still only just begun, but by this time in past semesters I was already starting to get discouraged. This semester is already turning out to be one of the craziest yet. I have been staying up until two or three in the morning every day doing homework. It can be very difficult to keep myself awake so late. So throughout the night I am constantly standing up, walking around and sitting back down just to keep myself awake and focused. I can't help but think that in the past I would not have endured staying up so late . . . I would not have been able to handle it. I probably would have quit at first sight of so much work. I thank God for the strength He is giving me!My literature class has proved to be a challenge in keeping up, but I am still enjoying it . . . reading pieces of literature I have not yet read. My photography class is a joy. It is a lot of reading as well, but nothing I can't handle. My teacher has told me several times that I have a good eye for composition and take very nice photos. That is such an encouragement to me.
I had gotten into the math class that I was on the waiting list for. Today was my first day and when I arrived I discovered I had already missed a quiz and it was test day today. Sadly, I had to drop the class because I have not done math in a year so there was no way I could take that test. I sat there for a little while trying to do the test, but I got nowhere. It was for the best any way because I want to have a full opportunity to get the highest grade possible . . . if I stayed I would have missed points from the things I already missed.
Today on my way to class I was listening to one of my favorite songs by Kutless . . . it's called "What Faith Can Do". That song has been such an encouragement to me because so often I fall, but I have to learn to get back up and keep trying. One of the lines says "Impossible is not a word, it's just a reason for someone not to try." Whenever I feel like giving up I think of that line. Here are the full lyrics to the song . . .
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise from the ashes
And make a new beginning.
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger -- stronger than you know.
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining.
You gotta face the clouds to find the silver lining.
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling.
I've seen miracles just happen,
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new.
That's what faith can do.
It doesn't matter what you've heard
impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try.
Everybody is scared to death
When they decide to take that first step out on the water
It'll be alright.
Life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing.
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling.
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do.
Overcome the odds -- you don't have a chance
When the world tells you that you can't
It'll tell you that you can!
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling.
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
New Beginning
I have just completed my first week of school, which went GREAT by the way. I am only taking two classes due to enrolling too late and all the classes being full, but it will still be wonderful. I have two instructors that I actually like . . . at least so far. My American Literature class is going to be insane because of all the reading I am going to have to do, but I welcome it! My instructor said he is trying to keep our reading under 100 pages a week, so we'll see how that goes. My photography class is going so much better than my first attempt at taking the class. I am understanding all the technical stuff so much better now that I am more acquainted with my camera and how it works. I have already done my first photo assignment, which was to shoot the Half Henge. I go tomorrow to take my re-shoot.Today I was thinking about how that one of my biggest problems that causes me to get discouraged about school is the fact that I have been there for two years already and have not gotten anywhere! However . . . I was not as serious about school as I should have been. I started out in the lowest classes possible, so I had that against me, but most of it is my fault. I would often start a semester full-time then would drop classes . . . or I would "take it easy" some semesters with only taking 1-2 classes. Today, I did some research to find out how many credits I would need to get my associate degree. I found out it could be anywhere from 60-67 credits. I believe I have around 6-10 credits completed that will go towards my degree, and I'll have a few more from this semester. I am planning on taking classes in the summer every year now too. So, I did some math and found out that I should be able to finish in TWO years. That's how long I have already been at this, and how long it should take to earn an associate degree . . . but instead of getting discouraged, I will see this as a new beginning! A new beginning in which I can stay positive and enthusiastic. I won't look back, just look forward!
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